A Fat Girl Who Became a Fat Woman Speaks Out

Yes, I'm the dreaded fat woman. And I've made peace with it. But there were many years where I hid out, wearing long sleeves and pants even in 90-degree Southern heat. Years where I didn't go swimming, even though I loved it. Times when I was sure I could never do yoga - because of my weight.

This is not intended to promote fat. But right now, that is what and who I am. I did many destructive things for years to try and change it, tried to mold myself into some Victorian ideal for well-meaning "friends" and "lovers," and wound up making myself more miserable.

And consequently, more misery for me equals more eating which leads to more fat and more misery.

Emotional eating and obesity are just two of the most vicious demons I've ever wielded the sword against.

So how do I fight it? I can't give you a recipe. Making peace with one's fat without giving up hope of a healthier life is not an overnight process. All I can tell you is that the one thing that has worked in my life is to not hide. Whether out in public or in private with someone you love and you fervently hope loves you back in spite of every physical and mental flaw you might have.

Stop hiding. I'm more than a fat girl, fat lady, or fat woman. We are all more than a fat belly.

Weight loss is not a guarantee for happiness. Having the perfect lover is not a guarantee for happiness. The only way to feel loved is to grow it yourself, by accepting yourself and treating yourself well. I do this through zazen, self-help groups, and Kundalini yoga. I go swimming, even if I have to walk in front of a bunch of fit people. I honestly don't care what they think anymore. I didn't join a fat acceptance movement (maybe someday I will, but I'm already busy enough with my other self-improvement modalities and my writing career.) I just quit fighting.

Because I have to go home to myself at night. I was a fat teen and got all the fat insults. I was compared to every large sea mammal in existence. It hurt deeply then. But now, I accept that while I have responsibility for getting to this size, I also am not inherently flawed because of it.