A Feminist View on Choosing to Become a Mother

What is it like for us now, to think about whether we want to become mothers? It is not a question that was often asked by our grandmothers' generation, when women took it for granted that they would get married and have children. There was ineffective birth control and there were few other acceptable choices. Womanhood was equated with maternity, and maternity was the natural course of events. By our moth­ers' generation, women had better birth control, but still the vast majority did not question the fact that they would have children. Now maternity is no longer seen as absolute, an inevitability. Because of our own changing ideas of what it is to be a woman, largely stimulated by the consciousness-raising of the women's movement, we are increasingly able to accept ourselves as people whether or not we have children.

Some of us are shifting our priorities and pursuing many interests along with, or instead of, child-rearing. Available birth control and abortion procedures make it physically possible to re­main sexually active yet control our pregnancies. There are also many reasons which create new pressures on us to have smaller families or no children-the current eco­nomic crisis, population explosion, increased expecta­tions of women to be employed, and nuclear family mo­bility among them~ Since it is more socially acceptable not to have children, becoming a parent is more the option it should be.

When we ask ourselves whether we want to be a mother we fortunately face a range of life options of which motherhood is only one. Our collective mind has a somewhat complicated point of view on this question. Most of us are mothers, and those among us who are feel that children have enriched our lives immeasurably and that parenthood is an extremely attractive life op­tion, even though there are those among us who became mothers because it was the thing to do, and regret either that we did not see a range of options then or that we had unrealistic expectations. Some of us were more fully aware of our options when we got pregnant, and had a more realistic sense of what it would be like. But al­though we all think that parenting is an extremely grati­fying life choice, we also feel there are very good reasons for not having children.

When we ask ourselves the question, "Shall I become a mother?" we face a major life decision. Either we will have children or we will not; each choice has its prob­lems and joys. Unlike most decisions, the one to have children is irrevocable and carries deep implications for the rest of our lives. The decision not to have children is made during the limited span of time we have to deal with it during our childbearing years, and in the end the commitment is also final. There is no way of knowing beforehand, of course, what it's like to be a mother. We do not know what our children will be like, nor how we will respond to them. We don't know if we will enjoy parenting or be good at it.

As young women we are primarily involved with leav­ing the world of our parents and guardians. During this time the thought of having children is probably in the background (we may not think much about it) or it is a future possibility we do not feel ready for yet. Then for many of us there is a shift in balance and we begin to feel that we want a child or children. Where it comes from we don't know. Is it instinctive? Is it learned? Whichever, the feeling takes hold. Some of us make the decision to try to become pregnant. Those of us who have not felt a shift of balance, or whose feelings have not coalesced, keep the question open. We do not want a child now, possibly later, maybe never. A few of us take the steps to be sterilized; that decision, too, is irre­vocable.

Although we know the decision is emotional in large part and not reducible to formula, it should not be uninformed. Knowing what is involved and preparing ourselves for this decision is important.