A Festivus for the Rest of Us!

So there is this really crazy dude named Kramer - Cosmo Kramer - what the Hell is a "Cosmo" anyway? So this nut Kramer has been going on and on about some really goofy holiday he learned about from a buddy's father. It seems this holiday celebration, Festivus, is a non-religious celebration that occurs around the Christian Christmas. And a humdinger of a holiday tradition it is too!

Seems this Festivus celebration is a cheap way to go too. And being totally secular it has none of the usual fladerall that the Holiday Season usually ushers in. There are only three acts in celebrating this glorious occasion - the acquisition of a plain, unadorned aluminum or steel pole, about six feet in length; the gathering for the traditional celebration known as the "Airing of Grievances," and of course the Feats of Strength.

And for the Festivus Miracle to manifest itself the precise order must be adhered to. First get the Festivus Pole. Then gather all your potential Festivus celebrants in one room and move to stage II, the Airing of Grievances. Now here is where there resides a little wiggle room. After the Airing of Grievances do you wanna proceed right to the Feats of Strength or do you wanna eat your Festivus meal and then do the Feats of Strength? I argue for Feats of Strength then the meal because of the obvious reasons.

Feats of Strength are also, in my mind at least, the natural follow-on to the Airing of Grievances. After all, when I get all riled up during my Airing of Grievances I'm ready for some Feats of Strength. And if I scarf all them delicious Festivus groceries and get too frisky, well, can you say "technicolor yawn?" Suffice to say we may again see the meal, and not in its usual second appearance form.

But no matter how you order your Festivus celebration's events, the key is to enjoy them to their fullest. When you air your grievances, really air them puppies. Tell your foolish family members exactly what they have done since the last Festivus to just generally make nuisances of themselves. And don't hold back - Festivus is all about getting it out and clearing the air!

So, are you uncomfortable with all the "Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward Men," stuff? Yeah, me too! I mean if we can't be nice to each other the other 364 days of the year why bother with the one day of niceties? And with Festivus you can dispense with all that foolishness and really let the folks know just how fed up you really are with them.

So here is my clarion call for all to join in the Festivus for the Rest of Us! Get a pole, grab a bucket of KFC, gather your loved ones, air some grievances and show them saps the feats of strength of which you are capable. The season will never be the same again.

So enjoy your 2008 Festivus, and remember, if all else fails, the kids are screaming, your spouse is groaning, the in-laws are reciting your flaws and the turkey is dry as a bone, well there's always next year, and what with all that foolishness going on around you, you'll really be loaded for bear next Festivus when you get to air your grievances.

And remember, 'til then, serenity now, serenity now.