A Few of My Soul Stirring Moments

I read a poem once about soul stirring moments. I don't remember who wrote it but I do remember parts of it because it touched me. It talks about the wild passion in the moon, how no one told how it could be heard so deep inside, how one would shudder at the stars and keep count of the sparks that stirred and lit the fires within. It told how those moments would be held deep in ones bones and seems as numerous as the distant lights that can't always be seen and usually can't be named. It asks what you would do with the long litany of moments of grace if they were counted. If you would give them names, what would they be? Asks if you would record your soul stirrings that brought you closer into the very heart of God and would you share them. The last line of the poem went like this 'Just What Were Your Soul Stirring Moments?'.

Just what was my soul stirring moments? The day I found out I was pregnant with Beau, my soul stirred, the energy was so powerful, so wonderful, so scary. My reason for being at that time was coming true, to be a mommy not just a mother. To hold, rock, feed, love and nurture a precious tiny soul, to help mold and form a wonderful miracle. Wow! Could I do it, was I up to the challenge or would I fail at this as I have everything else up to this point and time?

Just what was my soul stirring moments? The day I ended up in bed because of my tussle with my 12 year old son. My God, what have I ever done or not done to deserve this? Why me? Will you let me die? I can't even raise my kids right. Will you let me succeed at something Lord? Can I please die with dignity? This is my marriage all over again only the abuser is my son.

Just what was my soul stirring moments? That horrible May in '94' when I found out my husband was pretty sure he had cancer and then in June when he was diagnosed terminal. Lord I was so scarred. The man to whom I vowed to love till death us did part was going to leave me. How could he do that to me? I was ready to die myself, now how can I die now? Who would take care of our miracles? I couldn't just leave them to family. What if they didn't raise them to suit me? My God, I have to live, My God, I want to live!

After sharing, during really, I was saddened as well as stirred. I had in my mind to share the happy, fun stirrings and I quickly moved to the sad parts even after I started with a happy note. So God, I'd like to know what this is all about. I know that it has to do with living. I believe that it has to do with desires and goals and expectations, those I have of myself an others as well as those You have of me. I'm asking you to take me to where I need to go this week-end even if I hesitate!

Soul stirring moments...I was blessed with so many, yet cursed with so few...

As I sit here in bed this morning waiting for my ATP's to add up to 34, I'm remembering a very soul stirring moment of a year ago, when a very special lady returned my phone call and answered my humbling request for financial help so that I could go on retreat with this group I hang with. And as I remember the awe and gratification and wonder of someone even being able to offer a gift of this sort, with no desire of being paid back, to a stranger of sorts, I truly knew the meaning of the word blessed. But, one year later with very little contact in between this very special lady still thought I was deserving enough to again offer the same help with the same strings, NONE. The words I could never find to express my love and appreciation for the help I've needed to do this part of my journey. I've been able to travel while on these retreats. Truly none other than an angel of God she is.

Other soul stirring moments: Mike asking me to go steady when I was 16; Finding our Mike was going to ask; Realizing that a gorgeous guy thought I was pretty enough to be with; My first kiss; My first french kiss; Telling my mom of the said french kiss; Prom; Laying in Mike's lap sleeping safely; Mike and I breaking up; Mike's dad sexually hitting on me; A friends dd sexually hitting on me; Finally being able to go to Frisches on a Friday night, not making it due to a car wreak; Failing (D) science in 7th grade; First F; Cutting my hair, that touched my butt, up to my shoulders just to get to a guy at school; My first complete sexual encounter; John's patience, love and guidance; The first visit with my real father after I was 18 years old; Ralph; Harvey-Harvey and marriage; Security Guard at King Kwick; Having Beau, holding him; Having Guy, holding him; Having Justice, holding him (being mommy); Domestic Violence; Divorce and life after divorce; Single parenting as well as parenting as a divorced couple; First time the cops didn't support me with my juvenile son; Ending up in bed, not able to move, the wheelchair, walker, and cane; Keith; Group Dynamics; The day Jane asked me to join a group to discuss having a group; Being invited to Jane's house; The Fire-walk and my wheelchair; Harvey's death (transcending); My birth (rebirth).

What is it that I have to do? What is it that I have to do to save the only life I have, to hear the only soul I can hear?

I have to Stop! Listen, Smell, Feel, Acknowledge, Trust, Be there for myself. I have to lose; weight, judgments, fears and uncertainly. I have to gain; Truth, Knowledge, Trust, Confidence and Support of and in myself. I must Love to be Loved; Trust to be Trusted; Value to be Valued; Hear to be Heard; Seek to Find; Desire to Receive; Plant to row; Laugh to find Joy; Cry to find Release; Accept to be Accepted; Listen to Hear; Look to See; I must Let Go and Let God, Trust in Him and myself.

What kind of soul stirring moments do I want with God? I want to walk beside , not behind you God. I want to trust myself as you trust me. I want to be all that you know I am. I want to know about myself all the things you know, I want to be a teacher, a child, a friend, a companion, to do and succeed in your plan for me. By living my true journey I will be honoring you and therefore I will feel worthy of all that you have given me yesterday, today and tomorrow. I want the most intimate soul sirring moment possible, one where I think it's the 4th of July, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas all rolled into one. One where things and life is Simple, Free and so Perfect. Not perfect as we know it, be earth standards but Perfect for me. Just the way it's supposed to be for me and only me. Where I always see the stars and beyond, where biology is the foundation of the earth as religion is the foundation for You. Where I can build with your help the house and life and spiritual being I want.Not to conform to anyone else's wishes or beliefs but only to yours and mine. Where we are one with the Fire; one with the Planet; one with the Universe; one with you, Lord.

I will trust myself thereby showing that I trust you and knowing that when this happens I will truly be a part of you as you are of me. We will be side by side walking, talking, sharing, being real and true to what I am, to what you have always wanted me to be. The most perfect and simple way to describe a soul stirring moment within you God would be jumping out of an airplane, free falling with nothing and no one there but You and me. Feeling the wind in my face, watching the ground come up and me, us, trusting and feeling Free!

So after much thought about what my plan is to do with one wild and precious life (mine), I came up with this. I plan to become the smaller body in the physical sense that my soul and spirit is and always has been. When that goal is me I plan to do all the awe things that I missed or took for granted all those days, months, or years in the past. I want to walk in a meadow again like the one at the farm. Being able to find the perfect spot to lay down, look up at the clouds an see all God's blessings floating by in wonder as the clouds take the shape of a puppy, a kitty, a bird, trees, flowers, cars, trains, planes, people, any and everything.

After spending this precious time with the holy I want to find my boys and play toss with them or ride a bike with them, things I didn't get to do while they were growing up. I want to take them and their families to Disney World and ride every single ride that they do and razz they into riding the roller coasters with me.

I want to find the one man in this world that God and Harvey has picked out for me. The one that will enable me to live the promise I made to Harvey and the one that God made to me. Where my life will be perfect for me in every way. Where I can embark upon my true journey of learning, teaching and sharing with those who wan to learn what I know and teach me what they know.

I will trust myself as I trust God and others and I know that I will be Free. I will be free to go up in that little plane with a parachute strapped to my back. Stand at the opened door looking out at the world below, so small, as if it's a tiny replica or a model of the world. And when I'm ready I will jump into God's arms, trusting and knowing he will catch me, as I look in awe at the model world below me become bigger and bigger. Knowing that at that time my Holy and I must return to the reality of life, but being ever so sure that as we land and I remove my parachute, which worked with no glitches, by the way. We walk together knowing that at any given moment or time I can recapture that oneness by only closing my eyes and feeling the wind in my face, the awe in my heart and the wholeness in my soul. I will then walk into the arms of the man that will enhance my wholeness. I will have my castle, my prince and I will have my fairy tale in reality.