A Few Words About Cats, Cops, and Air Fresheners

I'm mad. Everyone should be mad. The fact that everyone isn't mad makes me mad as well, which makes me angry. I sat down here to write a few words about the Constitution of the United States of America and I reminded myself that no matter what I write, I have to be honest. Not just for me, mind you, but for the sake of the readability of this blog. For me. For you. For whatever. If this is going to make a difference it has to be the truth. And if it isn't going to make a difference, why write it?

OK, so that is how it started tonight. As I started thinking about my anger I realized that I am mad about a bunch of stuff, including the Constitution. What? I'm glad you asked. Well, I'm mad about air fresheners for one thing. Yes, air fresheners. It seems that a cat crawled up into the engine compartment of my car after I got home yesterday. While it was up there it took the opportunity to urinate in the healthiest fashion. Normally, I would care less. As a matter of fact if it happened to you I would probably chuckle, no, laugh about it. Sorry, I'm just being honest. Anyway, I went to get into the car and leave today, when I was overcome by the familiar and overpowering "eau de cat". I didn't let that daunt me. I thought that I could drive it off and did my best to do so.

I live in the Pacific Northwest. I could have driven to Halifax, Nova Scotia, and back. No amount of driving in the world could make the heated scent of this cat urine dissipate. I went to a "wash it yourself" style carwash and washed it myself. And washed it myself. And washed it myself. I washed it so many times the local police came by to make sure that I was just washing my car. I explained to the officers that I had suffered an attack by a demonic feline with satanic kidneys. They didn't think it was so funny until I invited them to sit in the driver's seat and smell for themselves which they did. Then the whole matter became very funny to them. They even called in some buddies who were willing to give up their precious time normally devoted to the consumption of crullers to come by and have a whiff and a laugh.

The car wash is located just behind a Burger King and it wasn't long before a couple of the employees from the restaurant who were taking a break gathered up the courage to come over and ask a couple of the officers what I was being arrested for. I heard this and informed them that I was not being arrested. One thing leads to another and a few minutes later I had a Burger King Manager sitting in the front seat of my car discussing the type of food a cat would have to eat to be able to make the kind of urine smell that still lingered. He was discussing this with the police shift sergeant who kept sticking his head in the car to get a sniff, then he would quickly pull his head back out and do this sort of sniffing action that reminded me of someone tasting fine wine. Then, he would shake his head, rub his chin and do it again.

About that time, the owner of the carwash dropped by to collect the change from the vending machines. He came over to see if I had committed a murder on the property and, of course, when he found out that it was a matter of cat urine, availed himself to participate in the chat session about cat urine, its smell, and things that do or don't compare. Two hunters from the stall next to mine who had been washing their "rig" came over to see what kind of a "prevert" had to be taken down. Finally, it got to be such a circus that a couple of "tweakers" who had been vacuuming their car since the police had rolled up actually just walked right up and asked if they could take a smell for themselves.

When I had finished off twenty dollars worth of quarters in the carwash, I put down the high pressure water wand and raised my hands above my head to get everyone's attention. I asked if any of them had come up with a descent solution to getting rid of the smell and all of them shook their heads with a collective, "No.". I said, "Wait a minute. I know that cops have to have something for getting rid of bad smells for when people throw-up, or do whatever people do in the back of a police cruiser."

"Well we don't clean the cars ourselves," said one of the policemen.

The shift sergeant chimed in and said that they had a spray they used that was really good but that it was for official use only. I looked at the Burger King Manager and asked him what he used and he told me that it was a commercial product that was not for cat urine and for official use only. I asked everyone if anyone had a suggestion. I was even going to ask the "tweakers" if they knew what was used to hide the smell of a meth lab but they had managed to slink away and were just pulling out of the driveway. Of course when the cops noticed them, two of the cops promptly got into one of the cruisers, pulled out after them and pulled them over within seventy five feet of where they had just been.

I told a woman who was sitting in the front seat of my car that I had to leave. She gave me a dirty look as she got out like she was upset that she hadn't gotten the full smelling time allotment everyone else and their mother had received. I got in, started up the engine, gave a couple of honks and pulled away with the entire contingency still considering the various aspects of our lives here on the planet as they are affected by cat urine. I gave the "tweakers" a thumbs-up as I went by them and a salute to the officers who had pulled them over. One of the officers saluted back which was nice.

At first I thought that I might have scored a victory against the kitty pee from hell. Then, as though G-d said, "Let there be smell," there was smell. And it was horrid. And it had to end.

I went to the local super "big box" drug store and asked the customer service clerk where I would find air fresheners. She responded by asking me what kind of air fresheners I was looking for. I told here I was looking for the kind that freshen up the air and resisted the overpowering urge to pluck her snooty eyeballs from the sockets in which they were set. I still don't know if I am completely happy about that decision, but its one of those things I'll just have to learn to live with. She directed me to an aisle that was filled with wonderful scents and wished me the best of luck. I found that to be an odd thing. Then, I realized why.

First off, there are thirty eight thousand different types of air freshening systems on the market today, not including those little trees. The little trees are a system of their own, yet make no mistake, they are a system. Anyway, I came to quickly realize that one cannot just go in and but an air freshener. No, you must purchase a system. You must! Unt zer vill be no arguing (read that line with a German accent). Which system? Which system, indeed. There are systems with drops; systems with powders; systems with wax; systems with little fans; systems with things that you burn; systems with things you put on top of light bulbs; systems with things you put in front of vents, systems with stuff you boil in water; systems with stuff you don't ever boil in water, you simmer it; systems you hang; systems you drag; systems you toss, systems you wash, systems you sprinkle; sprinkles you vacuum; even vacuums that pick up sprinkles and put out air that I assume would be fresher than the previously sprinkled air.

My head started getting that "I'm getting really mad" feeling it gets like the time I ended up getting asked to never ever pay my phone bill in person, ever again. All I wanted was a flippin' air freshener. No, all I really wanted was to not have the smell of cat urine in my car. I was really a little leery about buying something that would just mask the smell too. If you just mask the smell, it means that you are really still smelling the smell, you just can't smell it. Right? I mean, the tiny atoms and molecules that make up the original smell, which usually comes from something you wouldn't want to introduce into your body, are all still there. They are just riding up your nostrils attached to the good smelling synthetic molecules produced by the freakin' air freshening system that has been employed. Right? I didn't then, nor do I now want the atoms and molecules that can be found in the contents of cat urine to be wafting, and they do waft, up my damn nostrils. If they are going up my nose they are going in my mouth as I breathe. That means that I am eating cat urine. Of course due to the advent of modern technology and the many air freshening systems on the market today, I am also eating a goodly amount some kind of space age polymer that will probably cause the 5th generation of my offspring to have a thumb coming out of their foreheads. Cat piss and polymers folks, polymers and cat piss. I think I grumbled, "Rambutalinfatch," when the clerk told me to have a nice day as I was leaving.

I drove home a little wild. As I pulled up, I spotted the suspected kitty in question dropping down out of the wheel well of one of my neighbor's cars. He was a kind of tiger striped little scamp with spirited little whiskers that twitched in unison with the amazingly brilliant spark in his little eyes. I could hear him purrrrrrrrring from ten feet away. I realized that it was G-ds little way of telling me that all was right with the world. How could anyone help but to just love that little kitty and all of the animals big and small throughout the world? As a matter of fact, how could anyone help but to just love every being ever created throughout the entire universe? I had entered a state of Samadhi; contacted my Zen; I had found Nirvana, and I was undoubtedly a higher spiritual being.

My head was so filled with lofty thoughts that I just fumbled through the rest of the day. I watered my fish and gave fish food to my plants. I sprayed pledge on the clothes I ironed, and sprayed starch on the furniture I dusted. I tried to pour some anti-freeze into my radiator, but I was so jolted with my oneness with my higher power that all I managed to do was spill the majority of the sweet smelling bionic neon green substance all over the ground. The funny thing is, the next day that cat urine smell was gone, and I haven't seen that cat since.

My point is, if they can put a man on the moon, why can't they make a simple air freshener that works on cat odor, besides anti-freeze.