A Fish Without a Bicycle

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I think I saw this phrase for the first time on a bumper sticker some years ago. At the time I had just broken up with a boyfriend and recall chuckling and thinking, "That's right!" But now that I've "mellowed with age" I wonder if this kind of gentle "gender bashing" is really just "all in good fun" or perhaps a symptom of some deeper, ongoing conflict between men and women that ultimately is damaging the health of our relationships.

The quote itself has often been incorrectly attributed to 1970s feminist Gloria Steinem, famous for, among other things, founding Ms. Magazine and for her outspoken support of the Equal Rights Amendment. In actuality, Australian writer, politician and activist Irina Dunn was responsible and indicated that she paraphrased a quote from one of her university philosophy textbooks, "A man needs God like a fish needs a bicycle" and posted her version as graffiti in two restrooms in Australia. Dunn admits that at the time she was partly motivated by her awareness of the growing feminist movement in the 1970s and partly by the fact that she was simply being a smart-alecky college student. So, it is somewhat surprising that nearly forty years later the quote not only endures, but continues to generate sometimes rather heated debates about its meaning and validity.

I think on some level the phrase can be rather empowering to women. When women in places like the United States, Europe, Australia, Canada, Israel and modern Japan compare their lot in life to that of women in places like Iraq and Afghanistan I can't help but think that there must be a collective sigh of relief and a feeling of gratitude for the level of freedom and equality that women in the industrialized nations enjoy. While women cannot yet claim complete and utter equality in every aspect of life, we have certainly come a long way in the last few generations.

Our great-grandmothers achieved the vote in 1920. Our grandmothers worked in critical industries during World War II while our mothers entered the workforce in growing numbers during the 1960s and 70s. And as the youngest Baby Boomer women, along with those of Generation X and Generation Y continue to achieve, by attaining college degrees in record numbers and advancing to the highest levels of business and politics while also enjoying unprecedented independence, can anyone really blame us for becoming a bit cocky when it comes to our perceptions regarding the role that men have played in all of this?

There was a time in history when women were little more than the property of their husbands. It wasn't until the 1850s that a few states began to change their laws to allow married women to own property in their own names; however single and divorced women still often had difficulty obtaining credit on their own for the purposes of purchasing homes or cars well into the 1960s. Because of the staggering inequalities in terms of education, legal status, employment opportunities, salaries and political power, women in the past did need men in a sense for basic economic survival.

As modern women overcame each of these challenges however, there is no question that women no longer needed men, at least not in the economic sense as much as they once did. Women today possess far more economic clout which allows them to travel, seek advanced degrees or start businesses in greater numbers than ever before. These advantages in turn provide women with the ability to connect and network with others and because of the growing acceptance of same-sex relationships and platonic relationships between unmarried men and women, the independent female of the 21st century no longer has to rely on a husband and children to provide for all of her social and companionship needs, either.

But when we say, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle", even in jest, what kind of message are we sending to our daughters (as well as our sons) about the nature and value of male/female relationships? Is it really fair to suggest that women derive no benefits from interactions with men? Do people of both genders stand to lose as a result of this attitude?

Napoleon Bonaparte is reported to have said, "Among those who dislike oppression are many who like to oppress." As women have gained freedom and equality there seems to be evidence that some are dangerously close to crossing the line from oppressed to oppressor. In his 2006 article, "Dissing Men: The New Gender War" author Jim Macnamara discusses the recent phenomenon of discrimination toward men in the media.

Macnamara explores a definite shift in the portrayal of men on television, in cinema and advertising in recent years. Examples of respected, confident, independent male heroes have been replaced all too often with images of either cruel and morally bankrupt villains or laughable buffoons worthy only of ridicule.

There is no doubt that women and people of color have often received the "short end" of things in the past. But does racial and gender equality really require that another group, namely white males, be forced to become the new scapegoats for all of society's ills? While the "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" quote might seem like a harmless little dig on the surface as both a woman and an African-American, I know better.

Even as a child I can remember feeling slighted when comedians on "The Ed Sullivan Show" made jokes about "women drivers" and the "battle axe" of a mother-in-law. Reruns of the old "Little Rascals" episodes brought feelings of shame and embarrassment as well when Buckwheat, the sole African-American character in the series would appear with his crazily unkempt hair.

So, why would we assume that men wouldn't suffer or feel oppressed when sexist remarks are hurled in their direction, especially when some of the remarks are unnecessarily mean spirited? Some are unfortunate, but not really surprising as when Valerie Solanas , the radical feminist writer of the SCUM Manifesto said, "To call a man an animal is to flatter him," or when Robin Morgan, of Ms. Magazine said, "I feel that 'man-hating' is an honorable and viable political act, that the oppressed have a right to class hatred against the class that is oppressing them." But even mainstream political figures have been just as guilty .For example, the late Barbara Jordan, former Congresswoman from Texas and the keynote speaker at the 1976 Democratic National Convention was once quoted as saying, "I believe that women have a capacity for understanding and compassion which man structurally does not have, does not have it because he cannot have it. He's just incapable of it."

Women, people of color and the physically and mentally disabled among others have suffered unspeakable injustices in the past to be sure, but society has made significant progress toward righting those wrongs. So rather than perpetuating the resentment and residual damage that resulted during those unenlightened times why not take the "high road" to forgiveness and relationship mending. Perhaps Leo Buscaglia said it best, "Asking for forgiveness and forgiving others is a complicated process that involves our deepest empathy, humanity and wisdom. Historically we have found that without forgiveness there can be no lasting love; no change, no growth, no real freedom. It is important, then, for those who care about lasting relationships to better understand the dynamics of forgiveness."