A Former Non-Christian's Warning to Evangelists and Others Who "Feel the Need" to Aggressively Push the Gospel

I wrote these words down for my friend, Matthew, an angry young man with issues as a Christian that he is still working out. I am quite proud of him, as he had made great progress in recent months.

Before you read his many words below, I wish you to know I do not share a great many of Matthew's opinions as he expresses them below. This story is told in his style, and not my chosen style. As a condition of his current situation, Matthew is brusque, and may be offensive. So be it, at least he trying - and to this I can attest.

Also please know this is his story as he relayed it to me. While I have taken the liberty to write his message at his request using my own hand, I hope that his message comes through clearly in Matthew's present chosen flavorful medium: anger.

This is anger, not hate, for I believe Matthew has been truly victimized. And as a part of the road to recovery, rage and anger are two of several working emotions that well up, hopefully to be transformed into something much better, much more refined: such as the understanding that Matthew is beginning to see today. To understand partly how this anger arose, read his story below.

To understand how his healing began, partly through the creation of this story, click here for the main index page and scroll for a piece entitled: "Matthew's Story: a Christian Persecuted by Christians".

And now we begin here with Matthew's story below as he related it to me...

Couca

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Matthew's Note to the Readers

My name is Matthew (now finally a Christian again) and here is my story below of how I was persecuted by Christians. I express a lot of anger in this story, but I want to share it with you to show you how certain well-intentioned Christians can really screw up things for other Christians, or non-Christian people they are trying to convert.

- If you are a victim of these evangelists' inconsiderate actions, perhaps you could relate to my story as a victim to their whims. Perhaps you can pursue life as a Christian without evangelists screwing it up for you (as they did me).

- If you are an evangelist who carries on aggressively at all costs, read my story and make sure you don't screw other people up.

Yeah, this story is full of anger and you will be tempted not to finish reading it. So at least skip to the end to see how I've walked away from this evangelistic screw-up.

Formative Years As A Young Christian
My parents raised me under a faith that they put into me as much as they put into it for themselves. So I started off as a Christian. I went to Christian schools attended by kids of other faiths and was raised in a mixed community with a healthy "tolerance" and outright acceptance of people from other faiths and races.

As a kid, I loved it. It was an adventure.

Out of innocent curiosity I went to synagogue with my Jewish friends and to temple with my Muslim friends, too - just to see what it was like. I even went to several Buddhist temples with Asian friends. You know what? I liked what I saw. I was not offended by it. It was different, but people of these other faiths were warm and kind. And so was their message. There were a few who were sour and spiteful - just as you would find in any other mixed bunch of people elsewhere.

I don't consider myself a bigot, and as proof of this I have a history of going out with people of different races and religions - or even of no religion at all (so they would claim). This said, I grew up being "open-minded". I kept my affiliation with Christianity and went on from there.

I went to a Jesuit high school, and later on in college I faithfully attended Christian services sponsored by the Newman Center at my school campus. For some time I even seriously considered the priesthood. By day I lived as a typical student. But at night I lived at a Benedictine monastery in a secluded area of the countryside. I actively participated with my fellow monastic worshippers' lifestyle and was warmly accepted by them with open arms. This all done during early college, the first year or so.

Disillusionment
As a youngster, I was a Christian. I went to church. I read the Bible. I went through all the motions. And it was all great experience. I loved it.

However, for younger people the college years can be a time of great turmoil, brought on by many changes going on within as chaos reigns the outer world. With Mommy and Daddy both now both gone, a youngster could easily get confused, or at the very least: question one's most profound beliefs - which is what happened to me.

I went to college and almost immediately, Bible-toting Christians were upon me, asking for my story. With exception to a very considerate few, in the end they were all as slimy as used car salesmen. In the end they told me I really didn't believe in Jesus, was not subject to His love, and that their brand of Christianity was the true and only answer to my dilemma. They said that my belief in Christianity as a child and up to that point was all wrong.

Gee, what a nice thing to do. To tell someone they were wrong all along: thus totally discrediting the loving efforts my parents had afforded me, and discrediting everything good that I had done as a Christian also. According to these evangelists, everything I was: wrong, all wrong. They claimed I was living a life of darkness, disillusionment, and sin.

There's nothing wrong with growing up. There's nothing wrong with growing into a world of greater responsibility. There's nothing wrong with upping the ante. What may be seriously wrong is to force someone to literally denounce all the accomplishments they and their entire God-loving family had made up to that point, and then try to foist upon their victim some alien methodology to convince that victim to take this next big step in a way that makes absolutely no sense, and has absolutely no heart.

This is where these evangelists in college really screwed up Christianity's big chance to have me in an otherwise good and loving way.

Serious Doubts About Christianity
After the first year or so of my college years, with these guys braying incessantly in my ear about how wrong I was, of course I became increasingly aware of a feeling that something was terribly wrong here.

The evangelists' loving fruits of their labor with me: my paranoia.

As the years after college passed, and I was relieved of their incessant blather, the feeling of paranoia rose to a level of awareness that I was then finally able to identify and voice out loud. There were two issues to their brand of Christianity I didn't feel comfortable with.

ISSUE #1: HOW TO HAVE JESUS AS PERSONAL SAVIOR AS A REQUIREMENT OF CHRISTIANITY
As many people understand it, one must accept Jesus as one's own personal savior in order to be a Christian. Well, this makes sense. The very words "Christian" and "Christianity" carry the implication that Jesus is at the core. No problem. In my opinion, this is great. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. My issue was the idea of Jesus as close personal savior - like a close personal friend. I'll tell you why I had a problem with this.

Sure, as a child I heard the story about Jesus and all the wonderful things he did and keeps doing for people to this day. Jesus sounded like a really great guy. I was enthused. I was pumped. If anything, I was more than ready to accept Jesus into my life. I was open to Jesus. I did open to Jesus.

My Outlook on Jesus Worked Just Fine for Me
Despite the fact that Jesus had been dead nearly 2000 years, I accepted him into my life as the best friend I had - a profound act of faith beyond what many others are willing to perform.

But because I never met Jesus face to face, my relationship with Him was somewhat, well impersonal. This was OK with me, because I felt that if I had a personal relationship with Jesus in the same manner I did with say, my own father or mother, then my relationship with Jesus would be self-limited by my perception of that tangible and limited human relationship.

A somewhat impersonal (and therefore indefinable, even inhuman almost) relationship with Jesus was great: it allowed me to have whatever relationship I needed to have with Him, no matter what I thought of Him and no matter what phase of my life I was going through. In essence, it was a relationship without limitations.

Seeing how Jesus is all-powerful and omnipotent anyway, my way of interacting with Him seemed to be the exact kind of relationship Jesus would have wanted me to have.

Jesus' love and power has no limitations. That the evangelists would have me adore Jesus in through their chosen method, in the exact manner and with no flexibility in execution on my side - this was putting limitations of how I would conduct my relationship with Jesus.

I wanted an expansive and ever-growing relationship with Jesus. Would Jesus want to limit his relationship with me, when such limitation was a step backwards for me? No!

Evangelists as Dictators: "You're Wrong, Completely Wrong"
But according to these evangelists something was wrong with my outlook. What was it? I never had that "personal experience of Jesus". At least not according to a way those evangelists (who called themselves Christians) considered acceptable. Who are they to judge me and my life?

Jesus didn't show up personally like they said he would. He didn't even show up in a figurative sense - which some of them later divulged was a more realistic form of his manifestation.

This conflicting information was indeed confusing. Their judgment of me was insulting, offensive.

It was like these evangelists wanted me to burn in the fire of their brand of hell before I could accepted into their fold - fully cooked and manicured to their taste. These evangelists would want to eat me alive - spiritual cannibals of the worst kind.

I will not say that I did not have a sense of religion or spirituality. As a child I knew Christianity as a powerful religion - or rather, as most people would say, at least as a "religious institution".

Aside from that, up to that point I had had wonderful, powerful, and even mystical experiences that I can only attribute to what I respectfully call "God". These experiences took place without any need of drug or psychotropic substance. They never took place in a church or religious gathering I considered them a true gift from God - free and clear from the "communal religious experience" - the evangelists and all the people they had roped in or otherwise fooled.

These experiences were separate from what I had come now so negatively to call "the church". Because of their inexplicable nature, these experiences were not at all associated with any religion, but rather with what I call "spirituality" - a kind of religion that needs no church, no walls, no boundaries, and no flap-jaw passing of judgment from those babbling evangelists.

Excommunicated by Evangelist Christians
So I was stumped: It seemed this Jesus-as-savior experience was a requirement to being a Christian. No problem. Doing their way (whatever that was) - big problem. "Members Only" seemed to be the evangelists' catch-phrase. "Be in or be left behind". They would be my judge.

And, while we rip you a new hole, can we take your money from you? Some of them openly advocated "true Christians" consistently donated at least 10% or more of their income to their church. Those same people who watered down the Bible (such as in the Council of Nicaea), would take what precious little I make, of course after taking their "administrative fees". Evangelist thieves. How about this: I donate directly to someone I meet on the street.

According to my new self-appointed evangelist judges, my "problem" was that I didn't have this required Jesus personal experience, whatever that was. They told me I had somehow missed the train. In the end, they told me I was not a Christian. Then they damned me in the name of Jesus.

Shucks, what a nice thing to do, huh? Good deed for the day: go damn another Christian who rubs you the wrong way? Then top it off by damning them in Jesus' name?

In Jesus' name!

Is this the love that "real Christians" show to their fellow brothers and sisters?

Judgment Cast by Christians: Labeled a Pagan!
In all my truthful and innocent honesty as a young student, barely a man at that, who was trying so hard to find his way in a troublesome world - I was preyed upon, attacked by people claiming to be Christians: the very people I wanted to trust and to love as brothers and sisters.

These people told me my previous belief was all wrong, obviated all the good things I had done up to that time. These were people who so easily passed judgment on me. They called me a "pagan" and a "heathen", and then they walked away damning me in the name of Jesus, under their self-righteous breath.

So what did they teach me? All those evangelists did was convince me that being a Christian just wasn't worth it.

After all, I was damned. Damned by Jesus, so they said.

Judged, damned, and thrown into the trash pile: the true evangelist Christian welcoming!

Leaving Christianity
After evangelist damnation, I thought I had no choice but to follow the very path they damned me for supposedly haven taken already. It was like they set me up for damnation.

Fine. I wanted to know what they meant by calling me a "pagan" or a "heathen". So I walked away from that den of evangelist thieves, and dove into the very darkness wherein they claimed I already lived.

I had read about the lives of pagans and heathens, and discussed this to great length from a historical and Biblical perspective with (the very few) Christian friends who were patient enough to talk and speak about it. I even studied it in Jesuit high school, for Christ's sake! Literally. I had a good, Christian education - an education perhaps much better than what many of those evangelists ever had. I felt I kind of had a working knowledge how Christians meant things in their own terms, but I wanted to know (or at least have a glimpse) of what being a "pagan" or a "heathen" meant. No better way than to go exploring, to mix it up with "real pagans" and "real heathens" - whoever they are.

What I wanted was not a mere adventure, a tourist's view. What I wanted was a chance to witness and develop a very fair perspective on what It meant from "both sides" - as a Christian and as a heathen. After all, if I truly was the heathen they said I was, perhaps I could "go over" to the heathen side and feel more at home there?

So, I left Christianity and dove to that "dark side" the evangelists pre-damned me for.

I won't get into the details of my exploration into paganism or experience while working with "heathens". If it makes those evangelists feel any better, I ended up rejecting the ways of pagans and heathens for reasons of my own. I won't share these details.

Hypocrites
What I will share is that it was an overall experience not much unlike what I saw when going to Jewish synagogue, temple of Islam, Wiccan ritual house, or any other of several places I explored. For that matter, in many ways it was also not much unlike going to a Christian church. The people I met in all three of these venues - as well of those outside - were pretty much... well... people. Wonderful, beautiful people.

Maybe they spoke about different things, or used different words to describe what appeared ultimately to be the same topics. But they were wonderful beautiful people, who honestly and sometimes fervently believed in a message they were generously willing to share with me.

At the end of my exploration, I believe I walked away less ignorant, and certainly much less prejudiced than those dictator evangelists who accused me of being "not Christian".

In the end, when confronted later by my Christian accusers again (they wouldn't leave me alone), I was able to say to them with confidence:

"You say that being a Christian is not just talking about being Christian, but also living as a Christian. Well, if you have such expertise in identifying and casting stones at a pagan or heathen, and are just as easily able to pass judgment on them, then can you honestly say you have tried to look at things from their perspective - to truly live as a pagan or a heathen does?"

Ultimately, after much defensive hem-hawing and fancy side-stepping from these Christians, their answer was ultimately "no". They had judged based on no fact or experience at all. Either that or they just outright quit, gave up. Walked away. That they were quitters was self-evident in their action. So, evangelist quitters then. Fine with me.

In the end, these self-appointed-judge evangelists were hypocrites. They reached up to Jesus, took his crown, they took the an authority that they said only Jesus had (to pass judgment on people). These thieves would rob the King Himself! They took his crown and placed it upon their heads - and thus became my judge and jury.

The way these folks acted to me, they would have me believe that Jesus was a real crank.

Christians? Evangelists? If evangelism was their original well-intentioned plan, well... they really screwed it up for me in the end. It took me years to recover and to finally return to Christianity.

Credible Christians
There were a very brave one or two who said "yes" - who said they had tried one or more different paths. Even as being a pagan or a Satan worshipper. And you know what? Their attitude was markedly different to me, patient, respectful even. They were open toward accepting the existence of the different ways of the world. A statement from them I found entirely acceptable was, "You know, for reasons I can define - and for those many I cannot define - being a Christian just seemed to work out better for me. I am happy to be Christian."

You know, while I may not agree with everything a Christian with a "colorful background" has to say, I would at least really respect him or her. These Christians had some unique experiences outside what I commonly considered "within the normal realm", and in the end they made a decent and completely respectable choice to follow the Christian path. God bless them.

If they are happy, well then... that's wonderful!

Afterwards
During those years and afterwards, I was willing to argue extensively about all this, because I believed that such things could be reasoned to conclusion. I have since seen that this was a major problem in this whole Jesus issue as presented by the Christians I knew then.You know what? Jesus does not lie entirely within the realm of reason. Jesus is so vast and fathomless, that to reduce him to mere reason and argument does not do justice to Him at all.

This brings me to the next issue...

ISSUE #2: CHRISTIAN EVANGELISTS AS IDOLATERS

Look it up.

"Idolater: One who blindly or excessively admires or adores another."

We are a Materialistic Society
Let's face it folks, many people within our society as well as folks from other nations all over the world claim that Americans are a truly materialistic society. Before we go any further, let's define what materialism means for this discussion.

Most reference texts have it as something similar to: a "Preoccupation with or emphasis on material objects, comforts, and considerations, with a disinterest in or rejection of spiritual, intellectual, or cultural values."

This definition is pretty clear, and easily applies to American culture. Americans get bashed daily for being materialistic, and bashed especially within the political and religious venues. I think we get bashed enough to warrant some consideration to these accusations. Also, thankfully, it is a frequent topic of discussion within the church. I will proceed assuming that our society's problem with materialism is understood.

This said, since materialism at a most rudimentary level involves a fascination with material objects.

On the positive side it could quite easily be argued that people could somehow transcend such materialism as a means - as a bridge, so to speak - to the spiritual. Throughout human history, there is evidence and ongoing discussion of "religion as art" or even "art as religion". The evident idea: materialism or interaction through material media as a way to enlightenment or communion with the divine - whether such divinity would be Jesus or whatever.

I cannot not deny the existence of the material realm nor deny that it has to be dealt with. On the contrary, if handled correctly, the material realm or material objects can be used as tools only, as a bridge the follower of God may cross to find her or his way to communion with God. Take for example, religious objects: a cross made of wood, or an Orthodox ikon. Material things not to be worshipped, but to be used only as tools to assist on communion with God.

This is positive materialism. It's something that transcends itself, does not worship the object of art.

In its best form it serves as a passage way (not an end) for the proper worship of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

Materialism as a Form of Idolatry
Materialism also has its negative realm: a place where the evangelists are stuck in. Them with all that money they would rob from you.

The point is: both Jesus and God saw materialism as a problem. Jesus even became violently angry and went so far as to upset the money-changers' tables and scatter cattle (John 2:12-25). Before Jesus' birth, the Old Testament says (through Moses, in Exodus 32: 19-20) that God was displeased with materialism in its rudimentary form of idolatry.

Evangelists Make themselves into Idolaters
The point I'm trying to make here is that I feel that some evangelist Christians associate their divine experience with Jesus as an exclusive and eventually exclusionary experience. Again, I cite:

"Idolater: One who blindly or excessively admires or adores another."

These Christians get so stuck on their idea of Jesus on this material realm, or perhaps stuck on the idea of Jesus as a particular character. In other words, they become pre-occupied (just as in materialism and idolatry) on their singular idea of Jesus, and only their idea of Jesus. Then they become so pre-occupied, so obsessed, that in effect they have crafted themselves into nothing short of idolaters.

A corollary danger: they do this, and then start taking exclusion to other people and their legitimate experience with Jesus - which, in all Jesus' omnipotence, could easily be "very different" from their own.

Exclusionist evangelists. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

(Want a current example of exclusionism? In its most extreme form, we see this exclusionism arising within the minds of terrorists abroad who claim exclusion to other people, Christians included. These people are so obsessed, believe so exclusively in their infallible cause, as to wage war in the name of God. By no means am I saying that Christians are terrorists. Rather I am saying how far such ridiculous exclusionism could go.)

Those Christians who judged me: they are pre-occupied with Jesus only as they see him. They are pre-occupied with their small mind-image of Jesus: this is a kind of "abstract idolatry". They are so pre-occupied with this limited image as to exclude and even alienate the very people they are trying to "save".

By taking Jesus' crown onto their head, and in passing judgment on me in Jesus' name, in the end they have only lead themselves astray.

Isn't Jesus All-Embracing? Not Exclusionist? Not Separatist?
There is nothing wrong with the fundamental and exclusionary premise of Christianity in that one can only achieve communion with God through Jesus (paraphrased: "only through me can you get to the Father"). What I am angry about is that evangelists may be so restricted, so in love with their selfish preconceived notions of Jesus as to claim that they know Him intimately to the exclusion of others. The evangelists would make you think they know exactly what Jesus would do or not do given any set of circumstances.

Considering that one may know Jesus in part through a book (the Bible) that was originally written under God's inspiration and then later watered down and bastardized by the hands of many evangelists over many centuries, these evangelists' so-called "knowledge of Jesus" sounds rather presumptuous.

They may argue that Jesus is a "living Jesus", who lives and works wonders on people to this day. Rightly so. The wonder of Jesus can be attested to by many faithful, which is why Christianity enjoys membership in such great numbers today.

Accept Christians "Living At the Edge"
But for as many faithful as there are, there are likewise just as many very different (perhaps even disparate) testimonies of "what Jesus is like". I am one of those "different ones" - one of those who live bravely at the edge of Christianity. I am brave enough to peer outwards to see God's greater realms: this is a place to explore when we're ready. We are like the "border patrol" of Christianity. Without our bravery and willingness to push the limits, the church the evangelists so easily sit back and so lazily enjoy would not be protected.

So long as we have those lazy, straight-laced, ramrod-stiff evangelists who can't handle the least amount of flexibility in interpretation - these evangelists will continue to foist, persecute, harm, and yes, verily destroy the lives of others through their callousness, self-righteousness, and self-appointment in illegitimates role as judges, juries, and executioners of Christians who "live on the edge", or people who are legitimately struggling to come into the Christian fold. Given the chance, these evangelists would have themselves be the successors of those same murderous executioners of the Great Inquisition!

These aggressive evangelists, cozy in their bed of pre-conceived ideas, covet their comfort as they would material objects (approaching idolatry). They allow impatience to breed in their minds and screw it up for others. By damning others (as they damned me) they in turn damn themselves and defeat the very goal of salvation. In the end Satan wins them by convincing them that they did "the right thing" - damning the children of God.

Is this really what Jesus wants?

I thought Jesus was all-embracing, all compassionate, all-understanding, and (perhaps most importantly) ever-patient.

Warning to Evangelists
I am not saying all Christians are wrong. I am not even saying most Christians are wrong, nor that a minority of them are wrong, nor that any miniscule number of them are wrong. Finger pointing and counting coup gets nowhere.

My words to you who choose to evangelize: you are doing something very brave. But you are doing something very powerful also. Take it easy. Use a light touch and be ever-patient. Otherwise, like those tyrants who screwed me up (it took me years to recover and to return to Jesus), you will ruin the lives of others and damn their chances for return to the Savior.

Brutal evangelistic aggression makes nothing but enemies and victims.

Be persistent, fine. But also be careful, kind, considerate, patient, and you will be rewarded through the "clarity of your kindness".

Provide the opportunity. Then let Jesus take over and do His miraculous work. I the end, Jesus will have us all anyway. We are all His children.

- Matthew