A Funny Christmas Adventure Which Makes Me Cringe

Looking back I feel a little bit ashamed by the events that took place on Christmas Eve 2003.

In all truth, the situation that occurred wasn't my fault and looking back on it now it does make me laugh just a little, or a lot.

Now I would like to clarify that I don't condone the types of actions you're going to read about in this article but you'll soon see that the whole incident was not really my fault.

In 2003 I met a Polish "exchange" student who happened upon me on the Internet one day and as he was living with a sponsor family right in my neighborhood we ended up becoming pretty good friends very quickly. We went to clubs, did our best to pick up attractive girls and generally did whatever we could to make fools of ourselves.

I'd prefer not to use any names because my friend went back to Poland and since he's out of college I sure he doesn't need and employer reading about our exploits.

Time went by and soon enough it Christmas was right around the corner. Knowing that my Polish friend is several thousand miles away from his home and family I invited him for a traditional Polish Christmas Eve celebration with my family. Yes, we're Polish too.

The evening started like so many other Christmas Eve dinners, there were all sorts of fish platters and the obligatory beet-root soup known as Barszcz (I think Americans pronounce if Borsch).

Naturally, there is no such thing as a Polish celebration without good Polish Vodka. I had bought a nice big bottle of Luksusowa (Luksusowa translates to luxurious or of luxury) and it is one of the finest Vodkas that most people in the States never heard of.

I brought the bottle home the day before Christmas Eve, found an empty milk gallon jug, cut a big enough hole in the top to fit the Vodka bottle into, filled it with water, placed the Vodka bottle into the water filled milk gallon jug and placed the contraption in the freezer.

The next day, when it was time to celebrate Christmas Eve I took the huge block of ice, with the Vodka bottle securely frozen within it, and placed it on the table.

Now, for those who don't know, vodka should be served as cold as possible, it should be so cold that when you pour it into a shot-glass the vodka takes on an almost oil like consistency. But I'm getting away from the subject of this little Christmas story.

So, as is traditional we ate, we made a countless number of toasts and by the time we finished with desert, everyone was feeling good with the Christmas buzz.

As it was getting late, I think it was around 11:00 or 11:30 at night, my friend and I decided that we were going to go to Midnight Mass. Obviously we were in no condition to drive but as luck would have it there was a Catholic church, that neither one of us had ever been to, within walking distance. Now, the temperature outside was well below freezing but we had a great buzz going and we didn't feel the cold at all.

We walked the two or three blocks to the church and went inside. It wasn't a very impressive looking church, it was obviously not a major one as it seemed kind of old but not in a good way. Kind of like someone's basement, however that obviously doesn't matter as it is still the lords house and a place of worship.

People were flooding into the church and my friend and I considered ourselves lucky that we found a couple of seats together. So we sat down and started talking quietly amongst each other as we waited for Mass to begin. Seeing as both I and my friend are Polish we thought it a good idea to speak Polish so that no one around us could overhear our conversation.

I'm sure everyone knows how that goes, when you're talking to a friend in a public place you sometimes don't want the people around you to spy on your conversation. It's just natural that you will lower your voice and you would gladly switch to another language if it were an option.

So we're sitting there, quietly talking when all of a sudden and rather loud booming voice from the row behind us says, "Would you guys please shut up!" We turn around to see who was issuing this "command" and we see a very large, middle aged cross between a redneck and a Marine. He was flanked by his two sons that were clones of their father and also very much on the large, muscular side.

As services hadn't started yet and everyone else in the church were still talking amongst each other we decided to ignore the Neanderthal behind us but we did lower our voices just a little bit more so as to not upset the guy on Christmas.

It wasn't but a minute or two when the same booming voice makes a new demand of us which he followed up with a threat, "If you guys don't shut up I'm going to knock your heads together." Before I had a chance to say anything my friend politely says to this "gentleman" if he would like to step outside so that they could "discuss" the matter.

Now I let my friend go off on his own and the large ape like creature went with him and then I noticed something that was going to change the situation considerably. That guys two sons decided to get up and join their father in the "discussion" that was going to take place. Now the last thing that I wanted was to have the tar beat out of me in a church parking lot on Christmas Eve, but at the same time there was no way I could let me friend deal with three very large "Christians".

So, I picked up both our jackets, got up and walked towards the door through which I saw them all leave. I entered the church hallway where the four of them were "discussing" the matter in a louder and louder volume. I walked up and stood by my friend and prepared myself to get my ass kicked. There was no doubt that it wasn't going to end well for us as we were outnumbered two to three and the three of which I speak were very much on the large side.

Just as our discussion was about to reach it's crescendo and moved to the parking lot a kindly older priest showed up. He apparently knew the three large men as he told them to cut it out and go back inside the church. He then proceeded to find out from us what was going on.

We told him briefly what had transpired and he smiled slightly, he had apparently been sent to Poland for a few years as a young Priest and he liked Polish people. However, there was no doubt that we had been drinking, you could see clouds of alcohol evaporating though our skin. Well, I'm probably exaggerating a bit but not by much.

The kindly Priest said, "Gentlemen, I believe you and I have no doubt who was the instigator here but perhaps you've celebrated quite a bit before arriving here and just to keep things peaceful I would suggest that you leave."

We agreed that he was right, we thanked him, shook his hand and wished him a Merry Christmas and so we set off on our walk home. The alcohol in our systems still keeping us warm but neither one of us had every laughed so hard as on that walk back to my house.

It was the first time I had ever been kicked out of Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.

To this day I believe that we owe that priest a very large debt as he kept us from getting beat down.

I feel secure that we were in the right and that gorilla sitting behind us simply didn't like the fact that we weren't speaking English and he was looking for a fight.

I don't condone fighting and I especially reject the idea of starting trouble in a church, that's not even mentioning Christmas Eve.

So, that's my funny and unusual and somewhat embarrassing Christmas Eve story.

Please try and stay out of trouble and remember that there is nothing more disrespectful then getting into a fight or argument in a church.

The End.

Read more articles by Rob at http://www.robertkorczak.com