A Gentle Parent's View of Corporal Punishment - Calling Spanking Out for What it Is

People call it spanking, popping, smacking, paddling and a number of other things that often make it sound less serious than it really is. I believe it's an assault. It is violence against our young; some of the most vulnerable beings on the planet. What's worse is that it is violence inflicted on children by the very people that are supposed to protect and cherish them.

I do not look at spanking as simply another choice a parent can make, but rather as a violation of the human rights of a child. Is it acceptable to hit your spouse or partner because they have angered you? Is it appropriate to strike a co-worker because they have done something you don't approve of? Of course it isn't, and if you were to try it I suspect the police would promptly make an appearance to discuss it with you. Animals are even protected from violence, and rightly so, but it leaves me wondering why we as a society have left our children vulnerable to it.

Children need to be able to trust their parents, and I feel that corporal punishments do not help build that kind of bond. I do not trust people that hurt and frighten me. Spanking is meant to hurt and frighten. I have heard many parents say they never actually hurt their child when giving a spanking. "We don't hit hard enough to hurt them. It's just enough to get their attention." they explain. If we really examine the situation we can see that the attention a parent is getting from a spanking is from fear. I think most of us know that hitting people hurts. Perhaps there are varying degrees of pain depending on the individual hit, but spankings depend on pain and the fear of future pain in the form of more spankings or they wouldn't be a (so called) effective tool for disciplining children. Parents know that the child won't want to experience another spanking, and they hope that the fear of another spanking will cause them to behave. This is all rooted in fear. We don't change our behavior in order to avoid comfortable and enjoyable things, after all. The motivation a spanked child has for changing their behavior is the fear of pain rather than the desire to do what is right because they understand why something is right.

Spanking also gets in the way of the opportunities parents have to teach and model appropriate behavior. When our response to challenging or undesirable behavior from our children is violence what are we saying to them with our actions? What are they learning from us? The only thing you are teaching a child when you hit them is that you are willing to be aggressive toward them and that being aggressive toward others is the way to get what you want from them.

So if we are saying no to spanking what are we to do?

Often parents think that they have no choice but to spank in order to keep their children from "running wild". That is just not true. While spanking might seem like the best way it's more likely that it just seems that way due to how long we've been told it's necessary. There are many alternatives that can help us guide our children gently. Here are some ideas to consider:

-Learn more about your child's stage of development. Do some reading to get a general idea of what your child is currently going through as well as what is around the corner for them. Not every child will reach the same benchmarks at the same age, but when read with an open mind a general developmental guide can help you understand what is happening in your child's body and mind at a variety of stages. This can help us keep our expectations about behavior realistic.

-Model the kind of behavior you want to see! Gandhi said that "We must be the change we wish to see" and I believe that is very wise wisdom for parents today. Children really do learn what they live. Practice looking at yourself from your child's point of view. Are they seeing kindness and compassion? Are they hearing you say respectful words to others?

-Don't overlook playfulness as a valuable parenting tool! What would it hurt to try hopping together like frogs down the hallway to help motivate a little one to get ready for a bedtime story? When we think outside the box we often find creative solutions both parent and child can feel good about.

-A little preparation goes a long way. While we cannot really predict exactly what mood our preschooler will be in at a specific time, we can try to get a feel for their personal routines. Some children will tolerate an afternoon shopping trip after a busy morning just fine, but others might need some down time or a nap to recharge. Keeping snacks and portable toys in the car is an easy way to nourish a child's tummy and mind when you are on the go. Try to rotate through a variety of different items. You can keep them in a handy organizer in your car or even on a bookshelf at home where they can be popped out during a chaotic moment. Doing this can eliminate a meltdown due to boredom or hunger.

There are a variety of websites that offer information on not spanking. I urge every parent and anyone who is concerned with respectfully raising children to visit them.

www.nospank.net

www.neverhitachild.org

www.naturalchild.org