A Girlfriend's Guide to Loving Without Investing, Or How to Fall in Love Without Going Broke

Unlike your Mother or your religious deity I do not blame you for doing so. To love is human; to screw up love is divine. I mean, how else do you know that you can indeed survive the gut-wrenching pain that is seeing the one you let talk you into depraved sex acts nuzzling the ex-girlfriend he swore he hated at the restaurant he always thought was way too pretentious?

How, indeed?

Yes, I do not blame you, dearheart, for loving the wrong guy. I will, however, blame you 100% should you, after reading this, ever pay for loving the wrong guy with your bank account or credit rating.

This is a handy-dandy list of how to love whole-heartedly without leaving a trail of bitter collection agencies in your wake.

Clip it, highlight it, and attach it to a picture of the finest man you have ever seen. Then crazy glue it to the lining of your knock-off designer handbag. And the next time you find yourself reaching inside said handbag to hand over both your number and "a few bucks for gas" check the pic and the list and ask yourself "is this man half as fine as the one in my wallet?" If he isn't shut both your purse and your legs. Fine, I'll settle for your purse but really? It won't kill you to shut your legs too.

Pillowtalk

Have you ever found yourself on the other side of a horrible relationship only to ask yourself, "how in the world did I let him talk me into that?!"

Well, the truth is everything sounds more reasonable in dim lights after a great orgasm or a few too many martinis. Men, in particular, know this on an instinctual level. That is why during the early days of most relationships he pumps your gas, gazes lovingly into your eyes and insists on paying his fair share.

But the moment he sees your eyes roll to the back of your head a guy predisposed to being Kato Caitlin begins calculating just how much your big screen TV and car are worth. This is why you must resist the urge to discuss any financial matter without all your clothes on and every light in the room blazing.

Pillowtalk is for relaying fantasies and lying about where you learned how to do what you just did. It is NOT the time to discuss the interest rate on your credit card or the great relationship you have with your credit union.

Should Mr. Right Now attempt to discuss "borrowing" anything of value while you are still wondering how to operate your legs pretend to be so engaged in post-coital bliss that you only speak pig latin.

Users and abusers are adept at smelling weakness. And no matter how strong you fancy yourself you do have a soft spot and that is ok.

What isn't ok is not admitting that you have said soft spot and allowing him to discover it before you do.

Never discuss any of your financial business with a man who isn't willing to wait until you have showered and checked the lining of your purse.

If he pushes you then you know everything you need to know, don't you?

Keys are for Owners

I know how this goes, trust me. You need someone to swing by your house to feed your cat/turn off the stove/water your dying plant. You grow green with envy every time a girlfriend whips out her cellphone and asks her husband to run by the store on his way home. You deserve someone to pick up some slack, too, damnit and suddenly the guy you wouldn't necessarily trust to wash your delicates starts looking like the answer to your prayers. Before you know it you're considering giving him a key for "emergencies."

The thing with keys is that they convey power. A person with a key no longer has to respect your boundaries. They can waltz into your personal space without an invitation and take up residency without an invitation.

You know that secret stash of erotica you store under your bed? That's the least of your problems. What should scare you is the kitchen drawer where you stash your social security number, spare checks and bank statements.

Every year, it is estimated that over 9 million people become victims of identity theft. Most of those people are unwitting victims, but I would suggest that many more are complicit in their demise. They have invited shady characters into their lives and given away their good name. In short, they offered the thief a key.

Have you ever tried to get to a live person on the other end of an 800 number? Try getting through to a real live person who can restore your credit, understand your hard knock story of being victimized through your sobs and who is willing to forgive a debt you swear you do not owe. You'll discover the cure for cancer in the back of your fridge first.

The best way to protect yourself against guys who make a career of living off a woman's kindness is to not have it ever become an issue. Even "decent" people can be tempted in a moment of weakness or anger. It is best to keep it a non-issue by making your home a fortress.

Keys should be reserved for those who pay bills and, ideally, are legally responsible for your domicile. You know, folks who signed the lease or the mortgage documents. If you are prone to getting locked out give a key to a girlfriend with more money than you, your parents or, hell, even to me. I'm too lazy to be a predator.

But do not, under any circumstances, give a key to a guy who isn't willing to let you pull his credit report.

If they're going to steal from you they should have to earn the right the old-fashioned way - by digging through your trash.

Co-sign comments on the Internet...but never a loan

His mother is a drunk and he's just a good guy trying to honor the Ten Commandments.

His ex-wife is a bitch who won't let him see his kids but he still pays child support.

His long lost brother got plastic surgery to look just like him, ripped off his fingerprints and ran up a $20,000 credit card bill for midget porn.

Everyone has a sob story and often they are cast as the unwitting victim. Women are built to love such lost souls. These guys are like kittens caught in a torrential downpour or, in my case, a pair of killer snakeskin pumps left without an owner - pathetic and in need of the right attention and love to make it all better.

Do not be that woman. That woman almost always ends up holding the bag while the "lost soul" skips the light fandango in Mexico with a new convertible in her name.

Co-signing is for parents and spouses. Even then I have some caveats, but co-signing is most certainly NOT for relationships that have all of the potential of a chocolate soufflé in an EZ Bake Oven.

If you must, give this guy a ride, give him a little cash, even give him an unlimited bus pass. But under no circumstances should you accept legal responsibility for paying his debts. I've yet to meet a guy who could be forced to even hit the target on the toilet, much less owe up to a car note/bank loan/credit card after a break-up.

Adult men with honest intentions who have successfully managed any kind of financial obligation will fully understand your resistance to co-signing on a loan. Indeed, they will respect that you are smart enough to not do so, instantly making you more desirable and worthy of a grown-up relationship.

Users and losers will bitch and whine and moan and try to use really good sex to convince you otherwise. Enjoy the sex and then drop him off at the nearest bus station. You have worked entirely too hard to amass something resembling a financial life to let someone resign you to debtor's hell.

Besides, if he was stupid enough to let his brother make a wax mold of his fingerprint isn't he a bit too stupid to be in a relationship with?

Moving In and Moving On

For a myriad of reasons many young adults no longer see marriage as a requirement for building a life together. I make no judgment calls on this matter. What does concern me is that far too many women think that getting out of a live-in situation is easier than getting a divorce. Operating on that failed logic, many women move-in with partners without any of the legal benefits and protections that marriage offers.

Thusly, I would like to introduce you to the idea of a "living together contract". This is a handy-dandy, cutesy-wootsy, legally-binding document that makes clear who leaves with what in the event of your love affair's untimely demise.

You know that hot pink chaise you saved six months to buy? The one you imagine passing down to your daughter one day? It just walked out the door with the guy you thought would never steal from you while you were at the salon suffering through the Brazilian wax he thinks is so sexy.

Discussing matters of ownership can seem unromantic, but so are condoms and we all know the benefit of those...don't we? What is really unromantic is finding that you have invested your flyest, finest, sexiest years in building a life with someone who suddenly decides he wants to be a stock car racer. Depending on the state in which you live and how honest the guy is, you stand to lose everything you have worked for if you do not have a legal agreement that defines "his" and "yours".

Even in the best of circumstances relationships turn sour. When people are angry or bitter they have been known to do things they wouldn't normally do like, wipe out your money market account or post your private sex tape collection on ebay.

Women still make considerably less than men in today's modern workforce while simultaneously shouldering more than 50% of the cost for shared housing. Wonder where all that money goes? When was the last time your guy bought paper towels, decorative wall hangings or designer carpeting? It only makes sense that you stand to lose more than he does should you rely on love to keep you together and love proves to not be a good enough adhesive.

Talk about EVERYTHING before you sign a lease or buy a fixer-upper. Then put it in writing. If he is unwilling to discuss said things why in the world would you waste your designer carpeting and decorative towels making a nice home for him to underappreciate?

Define, discuss, sign and notarize. Period.

Me, Myself and I

Contrary to popular belief, life is long. It is even longer if you litter an already difficult journey with baggage that does not belong to you. With life spans stretching into 8 or 9 decades, Angel bras from Vikki's that defy gravity, and the elixir of the Gods that is known as Retin-A and plastic surgery, there is a very real possibility that you will outlive many relationships in your life.

Some of those relationships will be a real loss, others will be a relief. Either way, the only constant in your life is that it is YOUR life. You will always be there. As such, you are charged with the ultimate responsibility of providing for your needs. Chief among those needs are housing, food, and killer shoes that don't kill your feet.

Whether you choose to move up the career ladder or take breaks to raise a family, there is no guarantee that the one you love will always be there to pick up the slack. Make financial decisions the way you would hope your daughter or younger self had made love decisions: wisely, prudently and cautiously.

And to guard against the inevitable moments of weakness don't forget to check the lining of your pocketbook.

I'll be there to guide you back to yourself.