A Girl's Experiences Living with and Treating Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia

As a child, despite the fact that I was the only deaf student among hearing students, I always had a quite easy time making friends. I moved from school to school every other year and never really got scared about having to make new friends. As a pre teenager, I created a babysitter club [yes I loved the books] with three other friends, yet I was the only one that walked door to door giving out contact cards. I was not scared of communicating and being social with people.

At fifteen years old, I was often found spending time with my best friend and our friends. Yet more often than not, most of these friends barely talked to me and mostly just acknowledged me as a part of the group. I spent a lot of time only signing to my best friend and a few girls who learned a little bit of sign language. I started to experience something I never felt before. A tightness in my chest whenever I had to hang out with a group of people. I would feel very nervous but I didn't associate the tightness in my chest with being nervous. I just ignored it and hoped that feeling would go away eventually. Within months, everything became a lot more scary. I was frightened to ride the bus, go to the grocery store, video store, and parties among many other social events, because maybe someone would try to talk to me. Basically, anything that had the risk of possible socialization terrified me. High school became a nightmare. I began to withdraw from my friends and declining offers to go hang out. By the time I was seventeen I had pushed most of my friends away, and spent my nights watching movies and reading books. I no longer, had a social life at all.

I knew there was something wrong with me so I started to borrow library books about mental illness as I was afraid that I had schizophrenia. Thankfully, I discovered that I did not have schizophrenia but still couldn't figure out what was wrong with me until I came across a book about anxiety. As I read through the chapter titled social anxiety, I was shocked to see how I was feeling was exactly what I was reading. There are people like me! I am not crazy! Yet I was not ready to talk to people about it and hoped that somehow the anxiety would disappear.

As I became nineteen years old, my mom felt that I should start working and would encourage me to apply for jobs. The problem was that the very thought of even asking for an application form made me experience unbelievable anxiety. When I became anxious, my chest would tighten up, my hands get sweaty, lights somehow become brighter, my heart races, and my thoughts would get so scrambled up where I end up feeling like I had to get away as soon as possible or else I would lose it. Needless to say, I was never able to find a job as I was too scared to apply for one.

My mom became very concerned and one day when we were sitting in the kitchen, she told me that she didn't recognize me anymore, I was no longer the girl she remembered. The silly girl that smiled and laughed on a fairly regular basis. As soon as she said that, I burst out crying and told her everything. That I was so afraid, to the point where I could not even enjoy life. Life seemed doomed. We went to my family doctor, we talked, did research together and agreed to try out antidepressants which also helps anxiety. I went on Zoloft and it made me feel too jittery and even more anxious, so I went off it after two months. I didn't go back to try another antidepressant as I was battling the concept that I was a failure for needing medication. I developed agoraphobia and would not leave my house for months.

At nineteen years old, I applied for disability welfare, and was approved. Attending the appointment to apply for disability, left me crying and shaking. I was so afraid of everything and everyone and at the same time, very lonely. I'd spend a lot of time wishing I could hang out with people, have a boyfriend, and enjoy the simple pleasures that everyone takes for granted. I moved into my own apartment and tried taking Paxil. Within months, I noticed some improvements. I wasn't as scared to go outside, but I still was terrified of people talking at me and would keep my eye on the ground as I walked. Within a year, I started not feeling so scared at the grocery store, and even confronted my biggest fear, the video store and the bank. The video store would always scare me so badly that I stopped going and would only go if someone would come with me. I think it has something to do with people being lined up behind me and realizing that I was deaf once I had to talk to the person behind the counter. I'd feel like everyone was staring at me. So the day I went to this local small video store and rented a movie by myself, I stepped back outside and was amazed that I did that.

Slowly but surely, things kept improving to the point where I made new friends, volunteered at the very preschool that I attended as a child, and taught sign language at a local high school for a sign language club. At twenty-four years old, I had my first job interview and got hired! I also ended up moving miles and miles away from my hometown. After six years of being on Paxil, I wanted to try living life without medication. So I decided to go off it. I had to slowly decrease the dosage until one day I stopped. I was terrified that I would return to the state I was when I was a teenager. But I still maintained my job, and still saw my friends as much as I did while on Paxil

I will always be shy and nervous in groups of people, but I no longer have constant intense anxiety. However, I do know my limits and do not push them. I listen to how I feel on that certain day and if it's a bad day, I choose to take the easy route out and stay at home, or hang out with a few people instead of a lot of people. It is important that I realize it's okay to be scared, but to not let it stop me from trying new things. It is finally good to be alive.