A Glimpse into Manhood Through My Son's Eyes

No matter how much knowledge or guidance an adult is capable of providing a child, there's always a window of opportunity for that adult to learn a few lessons too along the way. I began to learn a few myself when my stepson Adam first entered my life at the age of 8 years old. Often perplexed by the thoughts and actions of men, I hardly felt qualified to raise one. But having a stepson that I was responsible for proved to be a learning experience that truly helped me to understand some of the challenges and struggles that men face.

When Adam was little, he was afraid of bugs, gave me all of the tightly sealed jars to open in the kitchen and looked to his teenaged sister as his primary role model. I viewed myself as his protector - even when courage did not come easy for me. Case in point would be the bug situation, as I am a wimp in the face of anything possessing more than four legs. Yet whenever Adam would yell "Spider!" and no one else was around to calm his fears, I would put on my 'Super Stepmom' cape and go off to the rescue, conquering those evil eight-legged villains in order to restore peace and tranquility in our home. I said a silent prayer however on the whole bravery issue, as I didn't want to become the official Bug Terminator in the family.

A few years later, when a small scorpion found its way to the master bathroom of our home, I cheered Adam on (from 15 feet away - on top of my bed) as he attempted to conquer this scary creature with the courage that had simply eluded me. "Kill it!" I yelled as if Adam had the ball and was about to make the touchdown that would win us the championship. I would close my eyes every now and then as Adam narrowed in on his target with a tennis shoe and prepared for landing. Suddenly the one who I had somehow found the courage to protect for the past few years was now finding the courage to protect me. It must have taken him a good 25 minutes to muster the nerve to kill that thing, but he did it - and he was my hero!

There would be similar changes that I would observe in Adam over time, from tackling those tightly sealed jars on his own to becoming resourceful enough to seek answers to the questions that he had instead of always looking to his sister or and adult. I couldn't put my finger on it then, but Adam was growing up. He was slowly transforming from a boy to a young man.

As he grew older, Adam began to identify less with the women in our family and more with the men. Fortunately, he still displayed love and respect for women, but things were not the same as they had once been when he shared all of his thoughts with me and we would spend hours - just the two of us - watching movies, listening to music or goofing around. I had to find strength within myself to accept that Adam now needed to bond with other boys, his father, and other positive male role models in order to gain that which I, as a woman, was not capable of giving him.

Whenever he and I were together away from home, Adam was his father's eyes and ears. "She's MARRIED!" I would often hear him declare as he gave the evil eye to any male who dared to look my way. My embarrassment never outweighed how tickled I was by the fact that he had become overprotective. After all, I had always been the one who served in this role, all but snarling at the little girls who screamed like a flock of groupies at a teeny bopper concert whenever I took Adam to parties and other functions at his school. A handsome boy, he was and still is considered to be quite the heartthrob. "A girl shouldn't act like that - she should carry herself with class and always be a lady," I would tell Adam as he shrugged off all of the female attention. But suddenly the table had turned, and Adam had become my self-appointed bodyguard.

In addition to the role of protector that Adam had elected to take on, he was also faced with a number of unsolicited expectations.

"Adam, go take the garbage out!"

"Adam, get the groceries out of the car!"

"Adam, come open this jar!"

"Adam, fix this for me - it's broken!"

These were among the numerous demands that Adam would hear from the women in our family, ranging from his sister to his aunts, grandmothers and sometimes even me as he got his first taste of the Honey Do List - and hated it. "Why can't you do it?" Adam would sometimes say in response, only to eat his words afterward. Over time however, he learned the value of the saying, "Just do it" and would bite his tongue instead of inciting an argument.

While I could never fully understand the experience of being a man, I came to recognize through caring for my stepson all of the expectations that are placed on men. Sometimes these expectations are unrealistic. We expect men to be courageous, even under the most frightening circumstances. We expect them to be our protectors and in some cases, our providers (yes I know this statement will offend some feminists out there, but there's still much truth to it). We expect them to exude confidence and strength and at the same time humble themselves enough to make the phrase "Yes Dear" a part of their everyday vocabulary. We expect them to pursue and yet surrender to our love. We - not just women, but society as a whole - expect a lot of men! Such is also the case with women, but since that's not the premise of this article, I'll save that discussion for another day...

Sometimes I still feel protective of Adam. I don't ever want him to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, be ashamed to cry, feel a need to prove or assert his manhood in ways that are self-defeating, or experience heartbreak. But I realize that regardless of my fears, he has to experience being a man in his own way and time. I can only be thankful for the opportunity to be a part of his life and continue to learn from him as I witness this wonderful transformation.