A Good Cigar is a Smoke

"What a wonderful job!" exclaimed Grandma to Billy and his cousins, as she surveyed the work her grandchildren had done weeding the garden. "Here, go have yourselves some fun," she added as she handed them each a half dollar, mighty good pay for the times.

Billy's little brother, Joey, who was three years younger than Grandma's next-youngest grandchild, had been taking a compulsory nap during that time, so he missed all the action, from weed-pulling to running merrily off to the candy store.

Billy and his cousins spent a good bit of time milling around the shelves of tooth-rotting pleasure, as they tried to decide what to buy. They were at an age and a temperament where it was important they all buy the same thing. After considerable whispered debate, they hit on just the thing: bubble-gum cigars. An excellent choice, if they all did say so themselves.

They returned to Grandma's house in high spirits, puffing away on their fake cheroots.

"Hey, what're you doing?" Joey asked when he caught sight of them.

"We're smokin' our SEEgars!" his brother gloated.

"Yeah, just like the grown-ups," added his seven-year-old cousin, Jill.

"Too bad you're too little for SEEgars," Billy taunted his brother.

"My, my, this sure is a smoooth cigar," added the oldest cousin, Ralph.

"I don't care," Joey told them, as he ran back into Grandma's house.

Two days later, Joey sat in the kitchen, while his mom finished rinsing the breakfast dishes. His older brother had already run out to play, as soon as the last corn flake had gone down the hatch.

"I want to smoke cigars," Joey told his mother, out of the blue.

"Oh, Christ," Mildred Ceccherelli thought, "is it starting already?" Before she answered her son's request, she considered the situation for a moment. She had been a great believer in the notion that experience teaches fools. She could imagine Joey taking one puff of a cigar, then launching into a coughing jag that would teach him, once and for all, that tobacco was an evil, nasty habit. Never mind that both she and Mr. Ceccherelli were regular smokers.

"Okay, fine, Joey," she answered her son. "When we go shopping, mommy will buy you some cigars." The child's joy knew no bounds.

"They'll just be for me, right? None for Billy?"

"That's right, all for you and none for Billy," his mom assured him. This was getting better and better.

When they came back from the store, Joey could hardly wait to get started on his big cigar adventure.

"Settle down," his mom told him. "You act like you got ants in your pants."

Finally, after she had put all the other groceries away, Mildred took hold of a small pack of cigars and pulled one out.

"Here," she told Joey as she put the cigar in his mouth. "Just hold it there and let mommy light it for you. I don't want you playing with fire at your age. When I tell you the cigar is lit, you can puff on it, okay?"

Mildred lit the cigar and gave her boy the go-ahead. Gleefully, she awaited the violent spasm of coughing and gasping that would follow...any second, now...well, sometime soon...maybe.

Joey ran out of the house, happily smoking his very first cigar, like a grown-up. Before Mildred could think of what to do next, Joey had drawn the attention of their next-door neighbor.

"Hey, Mrs. Jones," he called out to her, "look at me I got a SEEgar!"

"That's nice, Joey," Mrs. Jones answered while she continued to pin sheets to her clothesline. "Just remember, though, too much candy is bad for your teeth."

"Oh this isn't candy" Joey assured her.

"Well then, WHAT?" Mrs. Jones observed as she turned away from her laundry to see the boy blow a puff of smoke at her.

"Young man, where did you get that thing?" she demanded to know.

"Mommy gave it to me...and she even lit it for me, 'cause she thinks I'm too little to play with fire."

By that time, Joey's mom had regained sufficient presence of mind to catch up with him and deftly remove the cigar from his hand.

"I think that's enough cigar-smoking for now," she told him.

"Mildred Ceccherelli, what in heaven's name is going on here?" her neighbor demanded to know.

This was not going to be easy.