A Good Divorce: You Can Make it Amicable and Decent if You Want Too

Divorce. Not a friendly word. No one that is married likes to think about it, no one that has been through it is proud of it and no one ever wants to contend with it. Man and Woman marry, then split. He wants the house, she wants the house as well. No amicable decisions can be made, so it's taken before a judge and just like that, the court decides what's best for everyone involved. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Now, before you start wondering why I'm such an authority on this, I'll tell you that I have been divorced myself. I am a Pastor, married to a beautiful woman that has also been through a divorce. While that may not make me an "authority" it gives me experience from having gone through one and I have the education from having counseled many others who have went through them.

The common factor that I have seen over and over, including in my own, is the children suffer the most. Not only do they suffer the most, they suffer the most injustice as they have done nothing to deserve their lives being torn upside down. Yet now the parents that they saw fighting together, are still fighting, only apart. My mother divorced several times as I was growing up. The reason? Unimportant. What's important to glean is that I saw men come into my life and then disappear. Many children see the only Father, or the only Mother they have ever known, simply disappear. Or, suddenly, the parents that they have seen every day of their lives is suddenly limited to once every other week-end by a judge in a court room. Ladies and Gentlemen, these things ought not be.

I understand first handed how marriages can crumble. Yes there are wounded women who could stand up right here and name every reason in the book why she is justified to take the kids, house etc. from him. Also are the wounded men who could stand up and proclaim they gave it every thing they had, but it just never seemed enough. Unfaithfulness, abuse, incompatibility are just a few of the reasons that can be cited but the important and relevant fact for the sake of this article is that the marriage is over. Period. The question is; What do we do now?

There are a few simple rules that I believe can make even the nastiest of divorces turn simple. I don't believe for a moment that two grown people should ever resort to bickering over possessions. You gained them together, now it's time to part them together. Let's go over a few things:

1. Children are not possessions.
I know that there are times when abuse is a problem, and I agree 100%. If a Mother or Father are abusing their child, either physical or emotional, they have no business being around that child ever again. Period. But those circumstances aside, children should never be treated as a possession or a rope in a "tug of war." They are human beings, just like you. They have feelings, just like you. They are hurting and scared, probably even more than you as they don't understand what tears a marriage down. My children didn't understand for a long time why Mommy and Daddy weren't together any more and adult reasoning has no place with a child. Nor does a child deserve to hear, "because I said" or "you wouldn't understand." They deserve to understand and "because you said" won't float. These children are having their lives destroyed before their very eyes and they have no understanding as to why.

The worst part of this, from what I have seen, is the parents behave worse than the children. No Mother or Father, except in the instances of abuse, ever have a right to "take" a child a way from the other. Visits once every other week-end? Come on! This happens because one Spouse wants to hurt the other one, and there would be no worse pain. It's a selfish and barbaric act and a man or woman should be ashamed of themselves to the core for using a child to hurt an adult. The children are not tools, leverage, bartering chips or anything relevant. I saw recently a Father show up at my children's school just wanting to see his son. The Mother was there and immediately an argument broke out. He just wanting to see his son, she using the child just to hurt the Father. It was a despicable moment by two so called adults. The man left broken, the woman felt vindicated but the child sobbed and looked devastated.

Who is at fault? The child? Hardly, but it was he who suffered the most. Get the picture?

Here's something for you, a simple rule to use. It should be used overall between a man and woman who are divorcing, but the likelihood is low. However you must make this a law in front of the children. I'm going to use the word we are talking about; D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

D - Don't
I - Interject
V - Vicious
O - Or
R - Repulsive
C - Comments
E - Ever!

Children don't need to hear your opinion of their mother/father. They have their own and it's based on innocence and love. Leave them alone with their opinions and keep yours to yourself. If you haven't figured it out yet, I feel that the children are to be your first and top priority. Divorce is hard on everyone, but you played part in making the bed. Don't force the child to sleep in it.

Since that's out of the way...

2. Possessions aren't worth it.
The Bible gives us a very simple rule. "The love of money is the root of all evil." (I Timothy 6:10) How true this is. Aside from the children, the house, furniture, cars, debt and even the dog become 10 times worth their weight in gold seemingly over night. The very couch you wanted to throw away 2 weeks ago is suddenly worth more than life's blood itself. Why? Because "he/she isn't getting it!" Sigh...

If people would stop and realize how foolish this behavior is, perhaps they would understand why they were getting divorced in the first place. Possessions simply aren't worth it. I am a firm advocate that it should be split evenly and logically. Let me be perfectly clear here: I think it ridiculous that a judge should ever have to decide anything for a divorce. I know for a fact that in most states you can write your own divorce decree, have it notarized and file it with the clerks office. It should never get to lawyers and the court system. Sure, right now you are throwing excuses as to why you did it, but it's never worth it. You can reach decent agreements. You didn't take the judge furniture shopping with you, you can absolutely divide it without him.

Beyond that, medical bills for the children, birthday parties etc. should be shared evenly. That's right, evenly. Suck it up, do the birthday party together and make it about the child NOT YOU. Trust me, you can't give them a better present.

3. Remember that you did this so tomorrow will be better.

You're divorced. It's over. He's/She's not coming back. They will find someone else. You will find someone else. The children will call someone else mom/dad. All of these are sickening to think about, heartbreaking at best, but they are facts of this situation. Women walk away from this feeling lost, many having placed their whole identity in their husbands and not knowing what to do next. Men walk away having had their insecurities exploded, their deepest fears of abandonment realized and they become a giant angry festering volcano ready to blow at any minute. Find someone to talk too. Quickly.

Now, this doesn't mean your best friend and you sit around bad mouthing your ex. That heals nothing. I'm talking about finding someone you can talk to that understands your hurt and that can help you look forward instead of backwards. Looking backwards makes you ineffective and will never let you move on. You must set yourself new short term and long term goals and begin working towards them...immediately.

It hurts today, and pain will always linger, but you can't let it stop your life. Your still young, at any age, and you still have time to start again. Someone will love you and allow you to love them. Don't waste your days attacking your ex, fighting the same fights. It's over and it's time to move on.

Conclusion.

So I think I've covered at least some of the most important struggles of divorce. I want to reiterate the children as the most important. Love them, comfort them, reassure them and help them. They need it the most. You can make it and you will...I've seen it happen too many times, but only if you will look forwards and not backwards.

What gives me the right to write this article?

I have three sets of eyes that I see fill with hurt every time they have to leave my house to go there, or leave their house to come here. They spend every day missing someone. Every day. It isn't fair to them, and it breaks my heart.

Yes my ex-wife and I had some nasty arguments. Yes we went through the heart break, but she didn't take the kids from me, nor I her. They are not a possession, they are our children. They are beautiful, smart and talented and we both see them almost every day of the week. We aren't married any more, but we are still parents. We tackle school problems, medical issues in decent conversations with the betterment of them in mind. We are both re-married and yesterday is over. It's not always easy, but we do it and the kids are the best they can be given the situation.

Love your children enough to keep them first. Love yourself enough not to lose your mind. You will come out better, and healthier, for it.

And if you need to talk...well...I'm always here.

God bless.