A Growing Epidemic: Do You Have ESPN?

Forget about the Asian flu, ESPN is a growing epidemic. It has spread to nearly every household in American and will only continue to travel until every family has been subjected to the cruel punishment it bestows.

For years housewives and children have tolerated hours of boring football games, grown men fighting and living room wresting matches. Even in our most disturbing dreams, we never imagined that someday one channel would be dedicated to feeding the minds of these sick sport obsessed individuals, 24 hours a day, seven days a week! If you believe that you are victim of television abuse. It is time that you ask yourself, "do you have ESPN?" Take this test to find out.

1. Do you have to periodically walk in front of the television to make sure your husband is still moving?

2. Do you grocery shop on Saturday and by Monday the refrigerator is empty?

3. Do you receive Christmas cards from both Dicks Sporting Goods and Time Warner?

4. Does your Lazy Boy Recliner have springs popping out and is it placed within two feet of the television?

5. Does your local waste removal service charge you an additional fee for aluminum recycling?

6. Does your neighbor puts up a no parking sign in front of her driveway every Sunday?

7. Is your house full of fat bold men wearing college T-shirts and baseball caps every Sunday?

8. Do the kid's yell " Cool! We get to watch Larry King tonight."

9. Are Mike and Mike are beginning to resemble your long lost cousins, dumb and dumber!

10. Is your dog named Terrel and your cat named LeBron?

If you have answered yes to four or more of these questions, chances are you have ESPN. Unfortunately, the basic ESPN channel is not a paid channel and usually can not be removed from the normal cable package.

At this point it is imperative that you contact your local cable provider. They will be able to assist you in blocking this channel. Most of these companies have this information online. With any luck you should be able to slap a password on that bad boy and put your husband to work! Remember that mess in the garage that you have been asking him to clean up? Now is your opportunity to get some revenge. Make him earn his ESPN time! This will give an entirely new meaning to Parental Control!