A Guide to Being PC - Politically Correct, that Is

It has become apparent that in the United States today, a person is judged based on their ability to achieve political correctness. We no longer want to know what choices one would make, what agenda one might have, or what one thinks, just how well they may be able to snow society to what they are really thinking. In light of these newer standards for greatness, we should all be able to achieve fame, success, and fortune. This guide to political correctness has the ability to change our lives. We can now all learn exactly how to become un-opinionated, simple minded, all-American, politically correct conformists.

Let's begin, shall we?

Rule #1

Never, ever speak before careful consideration of what you are about to divulge about yourself. Never let your true feelings show through, as the next person or people you converse with may be offended by what you have said in the past. The remedy to this situation is to be sure that any idea or feeling you may possess is adequately squashed back into your brain, where it can secretly be hidden from the world around you. If, for example, you feel the weather is looking a bit drab and dreary - this is something you should never say aloud. While your present company may love nice, clear weather and completely agree with you, the pessimists' club member you may speak with later would take offense at this. They would find this to be a beautiful day and may find your previous comments to be against their beliefs, therefore alienating them and possibly changing their opinion of you. We can avoid such situations by simply asking a question instead - try "Hello - what a day, huh?" This approach will also allow you to feel out your present companions, and to avoid any future distress or potential alienation.

Rule #2

Under no circumstances should you ever reveal your true political beliefs. This is a major offense in the world of political correctness. You may possess strong beliefs that tend to fall on either the "Republican" or "Democratic" side. Keep any of these beliefs or ideas to yourself. Always be sure to only use terminology that will not reveal on which side of an issue you actually fall. Use ambiguous wording and again, try to deflect answering anything by posing a question of your own. Say as little as possible about the real topic being discussed, and never, ever make the mistake of firmly agreeing or disagreeing with anyone else's viewpoint. This also applies to any comedic statements made by anyone within earshot. People are always watching for even a slight grin at something that may, even in a minute way, be able to label you as "right-wing", "left-wing", or even more damaging, a "tea-partier".

Rule #3

Always handle use of surnames properly. This can be a very touchy area. Let's start with pronunciation. You must be sure to properly pronounce every name you plan to say. To inaccurately state a person's surname is a sure offense of political correctness. You must take special care to learn every other language's common letters and usual pronunciations. To explain, a foreign name may contain characters or letter pairings that are not used in the English language. It is up to us to educate ourselves on these countries' languages so that we do not offend by mispronouncing one's family name. Sure, this may be the one and only person we will ever know or speak of with this particular last name, but we MUST make all efforts to pronounce it correctly and with proper inflections and use of rolling "R"s and "L"s. In addition, you must always be sure of the origin of the name. For example, just because the name is Gomez, Ramirez, Rodriguez, Luna, or even Lopez, you should never commit the offense of assuming the name is of Latin origin. Many Asians have surnames that one would think is Latino. Never assume that a person, who retains a very ethnic sounding name, is actually of the ethnicity it implies.

Rule #4

Speaking of ethnicity and race, this topic is virtually off-limits to one whom wishes to achieve true political correctness. While terms such as "black", "Asian", "Hispanic", "Latino" and "white" were once considered an adequate choice of ethnic or racial descriptions, in 2010, they are not. As we have become the quintessential "melting pot" the United States has always called itself, we must no longer address the ethnic origin of any human being. Persons who were born in this country should all be referred to as a hyphenated American, in order to cause no offense. For instance, I am just fine with being either "Anglo-American", "European-American", or even better, "Anglo-European-American". I have decided this would be best, while my mother prefers "Russian-American". Simply educate yourself about your own family's lineage and pick the appropriate hyphenated name you wish to be acknowledged as. While "African-American" once meant a black American, this now means an American person of African descendants. If someone is a dark-skinned and American, but not from Africa, the use of "African-American" would be considered a major political correctness offense. If you are not sure of one's ancestral origin, refrain from calling them anything that associates them with any particular country, culture, or ethnicity. This rule of thumb should also be applied to all persons residing in America. Do not, under any circumstances, assume or even imply that you may view them as simply "American" or "foreign". These are now considered "fighting words" in the USA.

Rule #5

This last rule may be the most important yet. Never, ever, in any way, shape or form, acknowledge or associate yourself with any particular faith. Do not use the words God, Allah, or even refer to a "higher power". To acknowledge any known form of or universal belief in any type of religion is the highest offense of all. In addition to not allowing your own personal faith to be known, you should never even acknowledge the existence of any one faith, even in a general way using a word like "Christian" or "Muslim". To mention that someone has a belief in anything is sure to upset someone of another or no faith. While we claim to have religious freedom in this country, we are in no way expected to acknowledge or admit to it, much less actually discuss it with anyone. Being the hot button issue it is, religion or any references to it, belief in it, or lack thereof, is to be kept completely quite, as to not offend anyone at all. Furthermore, only use terms like "Happy Holidays", "Season's Greetings", "Happy Winter" and "Happy Spring" to celebrate a religious holiday of any sort. Use no word or expression that may be construed as being affiliated with any religion or belief system. While we want to acknowledge that a holiday is occurring, and even more, we want to capitalize on that holiday with seasonal sales on the goods and services we purchase, consumers and corporations alike should never publically recognize the special day or season that they are privately celebrating. In order to keep from offending, keep all joyous, friendly and especially spiritual holiday references or greetings to yourself.

Follow these five rules for achieving political correctness, and you should be able to exist without offending anyone or disturbing the culture of political correctness the United States has fallen into. If you keep these rules handy and refer to them if you ever feel the need to express any thought while outside of your own home, you should be safe. Always remember - you're in the USA, the greatest, most diverse, most tolerant country in the world. Be proud of where you are - the land of the free, but not free to openly express opinion or thought, because of course, we don't want to offend anyone.