A Guide to Christiania, Copenhagen's Hippie District - How to Smoke Up the Right Way

Ever heard of a little place called Copenhagen? Well, if you've read any of Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tales, then you are familiar with the city of irrestible Scandinavian charm. Many of us would be freely willing to admit we have no clue where Copenhagen is. That's alright, folks, I'm here to help. Its the capital of Denmark, a cozy homogenous nation of 5 million Danes nestled in between Sweden and Germany on the crossroads of the Baltic and North Seas. Why should you care? Unknowst to many foreigners, and among its treasure trove of cultural and visual delights, Copenhagen has a lovable hippie district known as CHRISTIANIA. Beloved by the Danes for its cute laid-back charm, Christiania also happens to be a great spot for purchasing and enjoying some of the ol' cheeba. Thats right, you can buy joints, hash, and brownies right out in the open, from colorful stands run by a multinational collection of vendors. Is it legal? Its nebulous. Law enforcement has chosen to largely look the other way, except for intermittent crackdowns. Prices vary from about $4 to $12 per joint, and all are color-coded to indicate their price and quality. An abundant variety of hash is also on display, though somewhat less immediately smokable than the joints. Last but certainly not least, there are are edible options, such as cookies and brownies, for the more adventurous (or for those with debilitating asthma).

Why do you need to visit Christiania now? Firstly, yesterday was Christiania's 35th birthday, so there's that. But more importantly, the Danish legislature has put forward a plan to invest a large sum of money in Christiania, razing dozens of existing homes and constructing modern apartments. This could signal a shift in the Danish government's policy of tolerance towards the upstart community and their purveyance of soft drugs. So, here are some quick rules of etiquette and common sense to follow when taking pleasure in the finest green Denmark has to offer:

Do Not:

1. Do Not Run - One of the seemingly peculiar rules of Christiania, the tacit ban on sprinting or dashing about actually has a vital impetus behind it - when someone is spotted running, all the marijuana merchants immediately assume the cops are coming for a crackdown (these supposedly occur routinely, though I lived in Denmark for four months, and never saw one) and rapidly pack up their wares and ship off. You do want to be responsible for a huge buzz kill and many annoyed stoners. Snatching the icky out of the grasp of a pot fiend is not a wise idea. Stick to walking or calm jogging if absolutely neccessary. In fact, just ride your bike around. Don't cause unnecessary panic.

2. Do Not Take Photos - As tempting as it might be to capture the unbelievable panorama of stoner heaven that unfolds in front of you (to boast to your bongmates back at home), please refrain from taking a photograph. In fact, do not even bring a camera into Christiania. If any vendor so much as sees a camera, they are likely to physically wrest it from your grasp and do something unpleasant to it. Think for a moment - would your local street dealer indulge in your urge for permanent archiving in the act of performing a highly illegal and imprisonable act? Well Danes are not dumb. Just take a mental snapshot, and leave without photographic damage.

3. Do Not Smoke in Bars or on the Streets - So you've bought your pretty J and you're itching to get some of that THC in the bloodstream lickety-split. Hold on. Don't just go off strolling down Broadway, sparking up the goods. While Christiania enjoys a quasi-legality when it comes to drug dealing, the rest of Copenhagen is not quite such a nirvana. A particularly bad place to attempt to get high is in bars or clubs, where eagle-eyed employees will toss you out summarily or worse. Smoking in broad daylight is generally frowned upon, since you may have the misfortune of bumping into the 5-0 at any intersection. At the most, smoke only in heavily wooded and secluded public parks (the one next to Norrebro station for example), but in most cases, simply unwrap your shiny new joint tube right in Christiania and do your toking on the premises. In fact, there are some nice benches with a view of the canal that are just begged to be christened. The ambiance is perfect, and you won't spend the night in jail.

4. Do Not be afraid of the Huge Dogs - For some reason, European homeless and bums own some of the world's largest and most terrifying-looking canines. Perhaps the warmth of their enormous shaggy coats somehow compensates for the lack of an official residence. Nonetheless, a large contingent of Ice Age sized dogs is to be found in Christiania and may scare the living daylights out of even the most ardent dog lover. But fear not, these dogs are all bark and no bite; in fact, most of them don't even do much in the way of barking either, preferring to laze about and inhale the pungent fumes of dozens of tourists eagerly lighting up their wares. Putting your hand near their fangs is still not advised, even if the haze of pot smoke affecting your thought processes leads you to do such a foolhardy thing. Also carrying meat in your pockets is strongly discouraged.

Do:

1. Do Be Wary of Edibles - Word of caution to anyone considering eating instead of smoking - do not bite off more than you can chew. Even a seemingly innocuous cookie about the half the size of a fist can do some serious Van Damage to your sense of time and space. The vendors frequently pack a gram or more into a small pastry, and leave the consequences to the buyer. Girls are particularly forewarned, since they seem to have weaker tolerance to ingested THC. Just don't plan any afternoon festivities that involve higher brain functions (for example, differential equations, political debates) or vigorous physical activity. You will be out of commission for a while. That said, if you can set aside some time in your schedule, and you have a reasonable amount of experience with these types of things - get that cookie, lean back, and just enjoy the melodies. Weed soothes even the savage beast.

2. Do Splurge for nicer J's - Sure you can err on the cheap side, and blaze through some joints that will cost you less than a Lincoln. But this is Denmark, the land of Bang & Olufsen and the northern elegance and elitism that comes with being a welfare state. Go ahead and get a joint for 75 kroner (11 bucks), or 100 kroner (16 bucks). The vendors will be delighted to tell you which downtrodden third world nation grew this plant you are about to smoke, and you'll also have a much enhanced smoking session. Not to disparage the 25 kroner joints - one will still leave Christiania a happy man (or gal). You could also get one to save for a special occasion - that big promotion, or your brother-in-law finally earning his B.A. ten years after everyone else. But the extra money will mean a cleaner and more lucid high, you can be sure of that.

3. Do Buy a Shirt! At the terminus of the alley populated by the stalls, there is a semicircle of assorted trailers and clothes racks, with many shirts and belts and jewelry for purchase. Buy something! Not only are you getting a cool keepsake for showing off to the gang back home, you are supporting the local Christiania economy. As you can probably tell, these folks don't exactly have market employable skills, so throw them a bone and snatch up a shirt for your sister and your mother. Keep an eye out for the Bevar Christiania t-shirts with the three yellow dots - this is the district slogan, meaning "Save Christiania!" You can feel like you're sticking it to the man back in the US of A, even if you only cross when the light says WALK. And if one day the inevitable occurs and Christiania shut down, you'll have yourself a piece of history, a priceless piece of memorabilia.

4. Do Eat Danish Pastries - Once you've inhaled like Obama, get ready for a gastronomical adventure the likes of which you have never seen. There are several options for eats once you've purchased and lit up. You could start with a pizza or sausage right in Christiania, although the quality and source of the meat is very suspect. A more enjoyable experience is to be found on the outskirts of the district, where unbelievable pastry and bread shops await to tickle the taste buds. Go ahead and take your time, since the choice is mind boggling. Some classic options are the coffee cake, cinna buns, pretzels, and well...the DANISH. Of course, in Denmark, one would be committing a horribly awkward cultural faux pas by calling the pastry as such. Simply pointing to your desired item of delicacy will do, since most names in Danish are utterly tongue-mangling. Next, as abhorrent as the idea may sound...is McDonalds. In Copenhagen, McD's is not only one of the cheapest culinary options, but also a substantial improvement over its American fare. A promotion once existed of one Big Mac for 15 kroner, or two bucks. One could consider that the European version of the dollar menu. Don't be shy to chow down on some fries and nuggets - it will be packed with Danes anyways. Lastly , there's the multitude of options available on Stroget, the world renowned walking street. All-you-can-eat pizza and chinese take out are two popular options, though intestinal discomfort hours later may result. The most mouth-watering delight is the soft serve ice cream that is a staple of Stroget's food booths. DO not miss this. For about 20 kroner, or three bucks, your sense of taste will have a joy ride of pleasure.

5. Do have a Great Time! Praise those crazy Danes for perpetuating a great enclave like this right in the heart of their downtown.

And thats all! Remember, be safe, be smart, and you'll be laughing in no time.