A Guide to Creative Writing as a Hobby

For many people, retiring early sounds like a wonderful fantasy, and you might indulge in it, believing that one day, you will do nothing and like it. If you sincerely desire to live with that deluded fantasy, stop reading now. Who am I to ruin your dreams?

Okay, for the rest of you who stuck around, retirement sucks, and everyone eventually gets sick of it. In fact, most old people die not because they're ready to let go, but because it was something to do besides sit around and do nothing.

I retired early, and it sucked. I spent a lot of time sitting at home, unable to do anything but stare out the window. For a little while, this wasn't bad. I mean, the Alps are right outside my window here, and from my back window, I can see the Duomo, if I squint. But eventually, looking out the window gets old, and I found myself more and more often going into forums to talk, or, more often to complain. Because, being retired, I had more time to nitpick at everything.

But, being a workaholic, I one day started to think, If I dedicated half of this energy to writing something fictional, I'll bet I could win a fight against myself for once!

And I was right! I could win a fight when I was setting up my own straw men and knocking them down. This was endlessly more amusing than getting my uneducated butt handed to me by a bunch of fancy college-educated so-and-sos, who always seemed to have those damned facts to back up everything they say.

But when you write fiction, you're lying, and most of the time, no one will call you on it. This is because, by calling it fiction, you're admitting, "Yeah, this here is going to be a lie."

Before you start out on this path to a richer life, one less connected from reality...or, let us say, one less reality-centric...yeeessss. That's good. Before we can embark on a life less reality-centric, we must acknowledge a few minor problems with reality.

First, everybody and their mother is a writer these days, what with blogging and the internet tubes, and those blinking "publish now" buttons that any idiot can push, like me. And since I am going there, let me admit this: I too am a writer who is asking for people's time. You'll be competing with me, and with every other idiot who thinks they can string words together to form sentences. Anyone can do it, with practice. But by putting out your work in public, you will have to adjust to a new reality, which is:

People might not like your writing

Yes, it happens to everyone, even to me. And the most important thing that you can do as a writer, professional or amateur, is to absorb it all. Breaking it down to some Zen thinking, you must be like a sponge, and take everything, both positive and negative. Hold onto all of it, and return it always with two words: "thank you."

A negative review stings right after you get it, but sometimes, there is a flaw that this person saw that perhaps the people who liked the story chose to overlook. The flaw was still there, and you needed a fresh pair of eyes to spot it. So even if the review is less than favorable, take what it gives and work with it. Obviously, if the only thing the review has to offer is personal attacks, then once you've absorbed the review, you can go ahead and wring those kinds of messages into the recycle bin.

Also important to keep in mind: tastes may vary, but if the amount of negative criticism you receive far outweighs your positive reviews, then suck it up, and read all of those negative comments. Odds are, you're doing something horribly wrong, and you can fix that to become a better writer. And with this in mind, the next reality to prepare for is:

You will need help on your writing skills

This is always true, no matter what your level of education is, and no matter how many books you've read in the past. You will make mistakes, and you will make a lot of them in your first few stories. Want to know mine? I'm dialogue-heavy. I've been working on it...going to therapy and stuff...but until I put out my work to ask other writers what I was doing wrong, I kept overlooking this flaw.

When you put out those first rounds of stories, approach the community of writers with that question first. Don't approach with people by saying, "tell me what's so great about my story." Ask them what's wrong with your writing first, and you will go a long way in encouraging constructive criticism.

Next, let's talk about self-publishing. Should you do it? Well, let me ask this: if you are retired, can you conceivably still handle the rigors of doing a book tour? Or perhaps you can attend conventions? If you think you can manage this basic workload, then maybe the answer is no. Maybe you should consider submitting with the long list of publishers who are all waiting for that next great niche market book to explode for them. Maybe if you can handle the workload, and you write a lot, then you can break out of retirement.

But if, like me, you end up some days staring at the screen making raspberries that are more creative then your writing output, or your idea of strenuous activity is opening a jar of pickles, then perhaps, yes, you may consider self-publishing. In which case, I should prepare you for yet another harsh reality:

People don't like self-publishers

It's not you, really...it's every self-published writer who came before you who claimed that they were the next greatest genre writer ever. So the animosity directed at you isn't caused by your actions...or it could be you after all.

Ask yourself this. Does your marketing plan include randomly visiting 1,000 web sites to post messages? You may be tempted to hit every forum with a post that reads, "I've just written the greatest book ever, and I want everyone to buy it! It's only $16.95!" Don't. Really, just try to recall the other reality of this inter-gnat age. You're not the only person trying to sell a book, and frankly, unless people already know you in the forum, your message is as annoying as a gnat buzzing past their ear.

If your book is a western, then perhaps trying to sell it on a forum about science fiction is a bad idea too? And while we're on the subject, you can spend money on banner ads, but again, you're still going have to expect a small audience. Because you are expecting a small audience, your ad doesn't need to have claims like, This book is sure to set the world on fire! Because really, all that does is invite someone to set your book on fire and film it for YouTube. Or, something similar.

I'm trying to prepare you for the reality of this cold, cruel, hard world that we live in. You, as self-published scum, must stop thinking about the "millions of potential clients" who supposedly exist on the Internet, because they don't care about you, really. Which brings us to the final harsh reality of self-publishing:

Most POD fiction titles sold by a self-promoted writer make around 80 sales

Yeah-huh. 80. As in, during the entire lifespan of the project. You'll get this number by pushing the book relentlessly across many forums, and in the end, you may have the feeling that you've been pushing that boulder up the wrong hill. If you ever get that feeling, hey, why not stop and try to actually send your next body of work out to publishers for their review? You know, they do this sort of marketing for a living.

But if you find yourself here, with me, still pushing the boulder after your second or third "success," what happens then? Well, then you sign up for an AC account and write a wordy how-to article about...hey, where are you going?