A Guide to Giving Hyperactive Children the Right Kind of Attention

Reinforcing positive behavior is important for the hyperactive child, the strong-willed child and all children. Hyperactive children often desire or need more attention. The type of attention that you give them will determine how much that they need and how enjoyable that time is. Spending time with your strong willed or hyperactive child telling them constantly what to do and where to go many times opens their desire to rebel. To better understand the strong-willed child read the article Encouraging and Reinforcing Positive Behavior in a Strong-Willed Child.

Attention is important for us all. We crave it with every ounce of our being. The words and actions of others affect our behavior. Our thinking is changed every time we receive a smile or someone points at us. We react when a stranger opens a door for us or does not say, "Hi" when we do.

Attention Affects our Behavior
Our behavior is directly connected to the attention that we receive. For instance: What we fix for dinner is dependent on the attention that our family will give us. If they really liked the pizza last week and showed it with smiles and thanks then you are more likely to make pizza again. On the other hand if your daughter threw up after eating broccoli you are less likely to make it the same way again. These are two different forms of attention. One form is with the spoken word and the other is an action. Both forms of attention affect each decision throughout our days.

We all Need to be Appreciated

We need people to appreciate us. Our children do as well. Have you ever heard someone say, "Your child needs attention?" or "You need to give her more attention." They may be correct. Giving your child the correct attention can change her thinking just like when someone opens a door for you can change your thinking.

Then again we have all sat and talked or read to our child and had them start acting out. Right there while you are giving them your attention throwing a fit. What shall we do? What shall we do? I have heard parents say, "We give attention and they throw a fit. We don't give attention and they throw a fit."

Attending is a Way to Give Positive Attention
The answer is Attending. Attending is a specific type of attention where you tell your child what they are doing and sometimes copy their movements. Using both forms of attention at the same time will help you in reaching your strong-willed or hyperactive child faster. During this time, no questions are asked and no commands are made. Only observations are vocalized. James Dobson wrote about this in his book, Parenting the Strong-willed Child.

Please do notice that I said DURING THIS time, no questions or commands. Children need to be asked questions and they need to be told what to do sometimes. There is a time and place for everything.

When Should you Attend?
While learning how to Attend, set aside 10 minutes in a day to do an activity. My son chose blocks. Yes, allow them to choose. Remember no commands or questions. I wrote Mommy Time on our schedule. When he saw that he asked what Mommy time was. I told him it was a time for us. We started out with one 10 minute period in a day for one week. We added a 5 minute session in after 7 days. Now we Attend throughout the day and set aside a time several times a week.

Here is how our first time went. An Example of Attending

Mom, "It's 10:00."

Son running over to the schedule yells, "It's Mommy time. Yes, Mommy time. What are we going to do?" (Of course he asked me, because I always tell him what to do.)

Mom, "You like coloring. You like building."

Son, "What do you want to do?"

Mom, "You built a beautiful bridge yesterday."

Son, "It was big and it was made so that people could go up on it and teach to others all around the world."

Mom, "Wow, you can stand on the bridge and teach all around the world?" (Uh oh, a question.)

Son, "Yes, 2 billion people will hear you. Let's build a bridge."

Mom, "You build great bridges."

Son, "We can use the wooden blocks and make a Cafeteria, and a school for boys and one for girls."

Mom, "You are putting all the same size blocks together." I helped him to do this job. (This is part of Attending. Doing what he is doing is telling him with actions that you support him and want to be a part of what he is doing.)

Mom, "Now, you are connecting blocks together to make a building."

Son, "Yeah, I mean yes, I'm making a cafeteria."

Mom, "That is great. You are making the walls really sturdy. They would stand up to an earthquake."

Son, "Aaaahh, an earth quake." (Ok what was I thinking. The building did just fine but the bridge fell down. Wooden blocks were spread all over the place."

Son, "It did. It did. It made it threw an earthquake. Let's rebuild the bridge."

Mom, "That's a great idea." (I helped him and encouraged him. No more commands or questions just attending.) At one point the asked me what I was doing. Why I was copying him. I told him that he was doing sooooo well.

Attending can also be done while you are driving or walking or shopping. The list goes on. Pick times through out the day to Attend. If you can attend instead of barking a command then do. For instance your child runs in the house.

Review Your Options

You can:

1) Say, "You walked yesterday. I liked that very much." (This is attending. I use this if my son is in a negative mood.)

2) "Don't run in the house. It is breaking the rules. (Command)

3) "Stop! What is the rule about running?" (Question)

Several times I have used Attending to help my son out of a negative mood. One example:

I said, "Son, did Roy get fed?"

He said, "No, I had to find some sticks."

I said, "Roy needs to eat before supper."

He blew a loud sigh and dropped his shoulders as he stomped down the hall. Normally I would call him right back and point out the unacceptable behavior. Which he may or may not accept. This time I picked up my spatula. (I was cooking.) Using it as a microphone I started Attending to him. I do not remember the exact words but it was something like this: "This is the Mark Cam. Mark is walking down the hall." He went from pouting and stomping to an abrupt halt. He turned around and smiled. I continued. "Mark is smiling his beautiful obedient smile. He is now swaying back and forth as he zigzags down the long hall. Oh, my word he stopped. He is bouncing up and down."

This went on for a little while. Soon he came to me and apologized for acting that way. (Throwing a fit.) I accepted and pointed out that our chores are important. It was a really great change.

I hope that you will have as much success as I have and more. Leave a comment to let me know how well that it is going.