A Guide to Help Parents Know When and How Much Punishment Is Necessary

This is the third time this week that your daughter has missed her curfew. So tonight you sat and waited impatiently. You glance at the clock as she steps through the door. It's almost an hour past her deadline. Angrily, you stand to face her and hear her excuse this time. As your eyes meet hers, you see a spark of defiance and you know that she too, is in a fighting mood.

You're angry, but you are relieved. She's home safely. Still, she has to learn that rules are rules. However, you know that as angry as you are, right now is not the time to dole out punishment. For it to be effective, you must be calm. So, as hard as it is to walk away, you do just that. You tell her you will talk to her tomorrow about her disobedience and the punishment she can expect.

Punishment is not something parents like to deal with. In the ideal world, all children would obey their parents and never have to be punished. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. Sooner or later, kids will do something they are not supposed to do. That's when parents have to decide what is the best punishment and how much punishment the bad deed deserves.

Punishment is defined in Funk & Wagnalls Standard Desk Dictionary as: "Any ill suffered in consequence of wrongdoing." Sounds simple, doesn't it? In reality, punishment is seldom simple. It causes feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, and even sometimes guilt to the person handing out the punishment. And the person receiving it may become angry and defiant, feeling that the punishment is unfair.

So how do you go about making sure the punishment fits the crime? As a parent, you have learned that you must choose your battles carefully. In other words, you know that arguing over your son's new mohawk haircut is useless. It's a passing phase and he will grow out of it. The same is true with clothes, unless they are offensive. These are two battles not worth wasting your time and energy on.

But things like ignoring curfews and outright disobedience, rudeness, disrespect, and lying should not be tolerated. These actions are the ones that if you ignore them, they will only get worse. By stopping them in the beginning you have a much better chance of doing so with a minimum amount of punishment.

Regardless of what some people believe, children do need discipline and order in their lives. They need to know what is wrong or right. And they must be taught that if they do wrong, there will be some type of punishment. Punishment is a tool we use to try to teach our children to do the right thing and to obey the rules. However, we do not want to quell their sense of independence or make them into robots that only know how to obey commands.

Therefore, parents should talk with their children about what is acceptable and what is not. Of course I'm talking about children who are old enough to know what rules are. Hopefully you have already taught your child that throwing a tantrum when he or she doesn't get the toy in the store doesn't work. Parents should have already taught their child that no means no. Children usually learn what the word no means as early as one year old. They seem to hear it a lot at that age. But whatever your rules are, they should be consistent. Don't say no one time, then give in or ignore the action the next time. That simply confuses the child. You must be clear on what is not acceptable.

A good way to make sure there are no misunderstandings is to make up a list of things you consider unacceptable or wrong. Start with specific acts such as being late for curfew or lying. State what the punishment will be. There should also be varying degrees of punishment. For example, if he or she is late for curfew the first time, the punishment could be as simple as a warning. The second time it happens would be a more serious offense warranting punishment such as loss of phone rights or grounding for a week. If the offense happens a third time, you have to get serious. You might consider grounding him or her for a month, or taking driving privileges away for a month. The punishment should be serious enough that they will pay attention to it and learn from it.

Punishment can come in many forms. As I mentioned earlier, it could be as simple as a warning or discussion about future consequences. Or it could be as serious as grounding for a month or more. And while many parents don't believe in the physical act of punishment anymore, in other words, a spanking, sometimes it may be the simplest and most useful punishment. I'm not talking about beating your child; I simply mean the act of spanking their bottom. Many times a spanking will embarrass the child more than it hurts him. This embarrassment can make more of an impression that taking away their privileges or giving them time outs. If you do decide to spank your child, never do it while you are angry. Allow a cooling off period for both you and the child. And even if children don't believe it, it really does hurt the parent more that the child to have to hand out punishment.

As a parent, you must remember to be reasonable. Listen to your child's reason or excuse for the wrongdoing. If he or she has a legitimate excuse, such as a flat tire or practice ran late, then that can be overlooked. You should let them know that you expect them to call if it is possible and let you know if there is some reason they will be late. This is not too much to ask since most kids today over the age of ten have cell phones. Let them know that by calling, they are relieving you of the stress of worrying about them. They should understand that the simple act of calling you is a mature and responsible thing to do.

Be fair in your expectations. Don't expect your child to always do the right thing. Sometimes kids just seem to get into trouble. It happens. When it does, dole out the appropriate punishment, see it through, and hope it doesn't happen again. You don't have to make a federal case out of every little infraction of the rules. Save that for the serious offenses.

Punishment isn't about revenge. It is about teaching your child about right and wrong. It is about teaching your child that there are rules and laws in the world that just have to be obeyed. They may not always be understood or agreed with, but sometimes you just have to accept them as the way it is.

Credits: Shelia West, Funk & Wagnalls Standard Desk Dictionary