A Guide to Raising Morally Strong Children

Many parents believe they are instilling morals by punishing bad behavior and rewarding the good behavior. While this works for younger children, there comes a time when parents need to start explaining why particular behaviors are expected or forbidden.

I hear this all the time from parents: "Because I said so." This mentally lazy phrase does not teach anything except that it communicates to the children that their parents do not value them enough to give them a real answer. Either that, or said parent has no clue why he/she is saying no, and is just repeating unquestioned parenting that he/she received from his/her parents growing up.

There will come a time in your children's life when they will be confronted with a decision and you won't be there to guide them. If children are not given thoughtful reasons why they should not do something, there is a good chance that they will be more likely to engage in risky behaviors and making unwise decisions in general. "Because I said so" will not stand up against friends who insist that a forbidden behavior/activity is okay and that nothing bad will happen.

Encourage your kids to think on their own. Every once in awhile, ask them what they would do in certain situations. (You will probably get an answer along the lines of what they think you want to hear. That is not important.) Once they give you the desired answer, ask them why or how they came to that conclusion. The following is a scenario that may be helpful in illustrating the ideas I have discussed. I have concentrated on smoking because I do not know any good parents that would want their kids to smoke.

Begin by introducing a situation. For instance, you may ask your child, "If you were at school and someone were to offer you a cigarette, what would you say?"

She will answer, "No."

Now it's your turn to ask, "Why?"

Now is when your child will make you proud by saying, "because it's bad for you."

Here is where many parents would probably stop. Your job is not done. You need to find out what is behind their answer. They could just be repeating something they heard but didn't really understand.

Ask, "Why or in what way is smoking bad for you?"

I hope at this point, you receive an answer such as: "Well, once you start it's really hard to stop, it causes lung cancer, it doesn't smell good, and it makes people look older than they really are."

If you receive at least one component of that answer, I would say you're doing pretty well. If your child does not know why something is bad for him, its okay because now is your chance to educate him. Here are just a few ways in which this could be accomplished:

· Sit down with your children and Google the dangers of smoking.

· Show them the American Lung Association website, www.lungusa.org/.

There is an entire department dedicating to quitting smoking and you can even see images of healthy and diseased lungs.

· Have them talk to friends of yours who are ex-smokers or friends who have been smoking for many years and are currently experiencing the consequences.

You can do this with almost any value from respecting others to valuing education. Be creative by coming up with questions and scenarios appropriate to their age to see how effective your moral teachings have been. By doing this you will spot 'weak' areas that need attention.

A quick word about the difference between setting rules and providing your child with an internal moral structure:

In the above example, you are teaching your child to value their health which is different from just teaching him to be fearful of being grounded for cigarette smoking. The latter suggests that the only reason not to smoke is to avoid being grounded. When the punishment is no longer an issue, i.e. moving out or turning 18, then any reason for obstaining is removed. By having the rule and consequence in place, you reenforce your moral teachings. In other words, rules are not a substitute for teaching your child morality. Rules are a clear way to communicate where you stand on certain issues and need to be backed up with moral reasoning and thoughtful instruction.