A Guide for the Scared New Dad

So, you just found out you're going to be a father. Scared? Well, you should be. It doesn't matter whether the news is something you've been anticipating for months or it comes completely out of left field, the results are the same. Your life is about to change. Now, if you're like I was, the thought of such an overwhelming responsibility and commitment is just about the most terrifying thing you've ever contemplated. This is normal. You can freak out if you like, I did. Go ahead, I'll wait...

Done? Okay, good. Now, fortunately for you, I've concocted an elaborate analogy that will hopefully make the idea of being a dad a little less scary. If I can do it, anyone can.

Being a dad is no harder than owning a dog. Dogs have basic needs that must be fulfilled, and so does a baby.

Let me clarify. I'm not saying that a baby is like a dog. You shouldn't tie your baby up in the backyard or feed her table scraps or take her hunting. All I'm saying is that the basic components of dog ownership are similar to the basic components of being someone's father. Guys like dogs and guys like simple, easy to understand guides. So, here's my attempt at explaining something scary by comparing it to something familiar and easy.

If you can take care of a dog, you already possess many of the necessary skills to be a father. There are only five basic things you need to provide in either case. Here, in no particular order, are those things.

Thing #1: Food. This is basic. You wouldn't let your dog go hungry. You understand that it has to be fed, usually a couple times a day, and you are perfectly willing to do so. Babies are no different, they get hungry. Whereas a dog might let you know it's hungry by nudging its food bowl or whimpering softly, a baby will convey the same message by wailing uncontrollably. This is your cue to mix up a bottle or open a jar of strained peaches. Eventually you will learn to separate the cries that mean hunger from those that mean other things. Simple problem solving applies to babies. Figuring out what she wants + providing that thing = happy baby. Easy as that.

Thing #2: Care. Let's say you want to go out for the evening or even go out of town for the weekend. You might think that having a baby will prevent you from being able to do these things ever again. Fortunately, this is not the case. Would you feel that way about owning a dog? You can't leave your puppy alone in the house for more than a couple hours, you have to find someone to let it outside and feed it. Same goes for a baby. Granted, you might want to put a little more consideration into a babysitter versus a dog sitter, but a baby doesn't have to mean that you can never leave the house. You simply need to find someone to watch your little one when you are unable to do so. Yes, a baby is a big responsibility, but most guys wouldn't think twice about getting a dog. Your baby will cut down on your freedom, but if you can handle adjusting your schedule to accommodate a dog, you can handle doing so for a baby.

Thing #3: Cleanup. Dogs make messes. If you've ever owned one you're no stranger to dealing with vomit and urine and feces. It's not pleasant, but you accept it as a worthwhile part of pet ownership. Babies make messes too. Unlike dogs, however, most of them are self contained. It's true that changing diapers is not pleasant. I was probably more worried about diaper changes than anything else, but it is nowhere near as bad as you think. Baby poop may smell bad, but at least it comes in small, easy to handle packages. Your dog may think that your kitchen floor is a giant toilet, but babies always go in the same place, their diaper. Plus, babies only poop once or twice a day, and poopie diapers are the only ones that count, anyway. Only a wuss gets worked up over a diaper containing only liquid, they're so easy to deal with they might as well not exist at all. Cleaning up after a baby is no picnic, but I'll take a dirty diaper over the mess a sick dog makes any day. And no, you shouldn't rub their nose in it.

Thing #4: Play. Playing with a dog is fun and something that I doubt many guys see as a chore. Playing with your baby is a hundred times more fun. As the dad, you're the one responsible for your child's physical education. Sure, mommy makes the baby laugh with her games of peek-a-boo and story books, but you get to do all the fun stuff. You get to wrestle with your baby and tickle her until she laughs so hard she soaks her diaper. You get to toss her onto the bed, sofa, and any other soft piece of furniture when her mom isn't looking. You get to put her up on your shoulders, hang her upside down by her legs, and swing her around to her heart's content (Of course, you need to wait until she's six months to a year old before you attempt this type of rough play, but I just wanted you to know what's coming). Play is probably the easiest responsibility of them all.

Thing #5: Love. A dog can become your closest companion, your constant partner-in-crime. You don't have to try to love your dog, you just do. It's impossible not to love something that feels so strongly about you. The relationship you establish with your baby is even more amazing. Your baby will imitate you, look like you, and watch your every move. To her, you are the most amazing person in the world. Everything she knows, she will learn from you. You get to teach her to walk, to talk, to eat spaghetti and tie her shoes. She will say "I love you" and you'll never hear a sweeter sound. When she gets older, you get to intimidate her dates and teach her to drive. How could you not care for something so amazing?

The idea of having a baby probably doesn't seem very amazing right now. It's like Jennifer Garner says in Juno, a woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant, a man becomes a father when he holds his baby. You may be worried because you don't feel attached to your child yet. This is normal. You may not even feel attached when she is born, but trust me, she will grow on you. Believe me, I was a guy who never even wanted kids, and now I have a daughter I'd do just about anything for. Soon, you'll hardly remember that you were scared at all.

In the meantime, I hope I've alleviated your stress a bit by showing you that you probably already possess the basic skills necessary to be an amazing dad. All you have to do is remember these five simple rules.