A Guide to Successful Internet Dating

The world wide web offers us a lot of things, but one of the great things it offers is Internet dating. If you're a professional like me, who works crazy hours and then has to work at home sometimes, the internet dating scene offers you the opportunity to surf the web sites of different dating sites whenever you have the time to do so.

You can create searches based upon what you want in a man right down to his eye color, height, body type, location and even his zodiac sign. You can't beat that, huh?

No bar or club hopping required. No wasting time going on blind dates that never come close to being what you want or need.

Of course, like anything else, internet dating has it's down side. You have to be cautious about whom you divulge your information to and choose your chatting buddies just as carefully as you would in real time.

I began using dating web sites back in 2003 after a friend of mine told me about a site called Blackplanet.com. I went home and surfed their site and decided to join. I hadn't a clue what I was in for. There were a lot of men to choose from and I went on a few dates within weeks of subscribing. I found out quickly that internet dating could be very disappointing...just like dating in real time. Then I tried American Singles, Colombian Cupid, Yahoo Personals, Match.com, Eharmony and then Tagged.

My experiences taught me that there are just as many liars online as there are off-line. You can't believe everyone and you have to ask questions and listen just as carefully as you would in real time. Utilizing different web sites taught me quite a bit about online dating so I decided to post an article on the do's and don'ts and what you should look out for and expect.

Be honest

Eventually the people emailing you will want to actually meet you. If they've begun to develop feelings for you based off of your photos or the things you have told them and you've lied or embellished, you won't be seeing that person for long and you won't have anyone to blame but yourself.

Post current pictures

I'm sure you looked great back in the mid 80's, but how you look today...in 2009, is far more important. No one is falling in love with who or what you were back in the 80's. Being perfectly honest, physical attraction is half of your initial attraction.

You wouldn't want to see pictures of a potential mate that reflect who he was back in 1977 or 1987 especially if his look, weight has drastically changed since then and you prefer a man who is athletic or slim. It's not superficial to admit that you prefer a certain type of person. It's superficial to mislead someone in order to get them to like you and then "BAM" hit them with a rude awakening. Let's face it: physical attraction is 80 percent of it...initially. I say this because good looks will attract and get a man or woman, but it will not keep them if you're a lying, trifiling, cheating cad who has the intelligence of a rock and the manners of a bull in a china shop.

Go After What and Who You Really Want

Don't date potential or hope. Date reality. It's comes with less heartache and drama. If what you want is a single person who is physically and emotionally available right now, don't form relationships disguised as "friendshipship" with married people or people dating someone else when you meet them and then be mad when it either never develops into love or does not develop into what you wanted. And do not try to "date" married people or people who make it clear that they are dating other people. You cannot form a meaningful, honest relationship off of lies, innuendo or game. It will backfire every time...and remember: what goes around, comes around. Karma is like the IRS...eventually, you will pay.

Read Profiles and Believe What They Say

If someone posts a profile saying: "Christian male, looking for friendship first with virtuous woman who enjoys evenings at home and likes to cook," in their personal message, then in the description section says something like, "I am a fun-loving brother with lots of energy; a gentleman who knows how to wine and dine a woman; I am very well endowed and...."

Your reading should stop right there because this profile screams "issues."

No gentleman let alone a Christian gentleman looking for a "virtuous woman" is going to tell any lady how well endowed he is. You need to move past this profile, unless, of course, this intrigues you.

If a woman's profile reads: "Sweet, classy lady. Christian, no drama looking to meet a real man who loves God and a strong woman hit me up 'cause I keeps it real. Hope you like my pics. Peace out." Yether pictures are lewd or show her throwing up gang signs or reflect booty shots, I would say it's safe bet that this female is far from anything Christianly let alone classy. You don't need a crystal ball to tell you that this person puts the C-O in contradiction.

If someone's profile states that they are married or involved and are "only here for friendship and networking" yet their ad states "Please have a picture on your profile if you contact me. No picture. No response," tells you exactly what he or she is looking for: trouble and their next victim. The fact that a married man or woman or an individual in a relationship is on a dating website should be a big red flag for you. Leave them to their own madness. Besides, an honorable, married person would not search for friendship or networking contacts on a dating website. If they are truly looking for friendship, you wouldn't need to provide a picture in order to be their "platonic friend," and they wouldn't use a dating web site to look for platonic friends.

Pictures

Please understand that there is a difference between sexy and sleazy and downright nasty and ridiculous. Tasteful sexy pictures are great, but posting pictures of yourself in a thong with stretch marks, booty pimples or rolls is not attractive. Use good judgment in what you post.

Your photos should ideally be full length, a few head-shots and some others. Pictures with several people or another person are confusing unless you specifically identify which person you are in the photo.

RED FLAG ALERT: If someone is only posting a picture of their torso or chest, guess what, they telling you exactly what they're looking for: a booty call.

And don't believe all of those "I can't post my picture here because of the type of work I do" lines either. I know plenty of policeman, detectives and federal agents that date off of the internet and they have clear photos of themselves posted.

Dark, grainy photos that mask or do not show a person's features clearly are other signs that someone is attempting to hide their identity. If they're in the witness protection program, an undercover narc or a mercenary, they wouldn't have the time or interest to be on any public site let alone a dating web site.

Personal Messages

Be clear and articulate yourself with maturity and intelligence. No one wants to read a lot of slang or a bunch of cuss words and we shouldn't need a slang dictionary to translate what you're trying to say.

Example:Yo, yo, yo! What up! Yo, this is ya boi grimreeper reppin' the west side. I'm a cool, intelligent, down to earth male who work hard and love hard. I wanna a ride 'n' die girl who down fuh her man. I love to pleeze my woman in any way they don't call me lick 'em low for nothing baybee. I aint no thug but I'm down for mine. So yo, hit me up if you real wit yo sh-- and like it dirty fuh real tho. One."

Anyone describing themselves as intelligent yet they post personal messages like the above, needs a reality check. And if you actually respond to their email or save their profile to your "favorites" you don't need to be on a dating site, you need to be at a hospital getting a CAT scan to see if you have brain damage.

We all have a little baggage, but it's the luggage we drag around that others cannot deal with. Dragging your issues onto your profile is not a good way to attract a potential or healthy mate. It shows that you have a lot of unresolved issues and no one wants to be the band-aid for your last lovers wounds. Heal before you begin dating new people.

~Blasting other women or putting them down doesn't make you look like an asset, it makes you look like an insecure jack-ass.

~Spouting radical, man-hating or misguided feminist rhetoric is not an ice breaker, it's a deal breaker. Big difference. Your personal introduction should not read like a hate manifesto.

~Blasting your former lovers or posting a laundry list of what a person better be able to do for you or must have in order to get with you, again, only highlights your issues.

Keep it sweet, honest and positive.

Example: "Hi, I'm a professional, educated woman who is doin' it for myself. A man can't do a moth-- fu--- thing for me, but take me to dinner and hit it in the bedroom. And, I can really do that for myself so all I need you for is companionship. I keep it real and I'm a real woman. I'm buying my house, if you're still renting but you got a nice car you ghetto and I don't want you.

I have master's degree and I make about $100,000 a year. If you have a GED or a diploma you need to get some financial aid and get your learn on to meet my standards. If you still punching somebody's clock, get a business license and drop me a line. As you see, I'm just fine by myself.

I'm not like most of these trashy women on here. I have class. You men who are set in your ways really bother me. And you men that take naps all the time make me sick. Naps are for toddlers. Grow up and get on a treadmill. I hate men with big bellies. I don't want you fat a-- doing rolls on me. Get on a diet and hit the gym, lard a--! {She should get cussed out for this statement, especially if she's chubby and out of shape too!}

I'm a sweet woman who can cook and knows how to treat my man...if he treats me the same. If not, fu-- you.Drop me a note if you a real man and can handle a real woman."

Being your own cheerleader and setting high standards for yourself are great things, but if your personal message reads anything like the example above, you need to 'Woosah' and get into some counseling for whatever issues you're dealing with.

Your personal message should be affirming, positive and upbeat with a little humor. And while anyone can appreciate an accomplished individual, if you make yourself sound like a drill instructor with a chip on your shoulder or an arrogant jack-ass disillusioned by your own hype expect to get ignored or blasted for being mean.

~ It's good to detail a little about yourself, but remember that you're posting on a dating site not sending a preview of your autobiography to Random House publishers. Leave a little something for the first email or date.

~ Some sites like migente.com and blackplanet.com allow you to create a web page replete with music and graphics. Some are absolutely fabulous others are just tacky and annoying.

Suggestions:

Decorate your page moderately.

Select tasteful music. No one wants to listen to a song that degrades or disrespects women or anyone else.

Graphics are great, but if they take more than 20 seconds to download or cause my laptop to freeze up or display crude or sexually suggestive animations, your page will get skipped.

Options

These sites have created options for you and others to choose from so that you get what you say you want. If you come across the profile of someone whose desires do not reflect you or what you have to offer, don't waste their or your own time sending them an email criticizing them for wanting "Caribbean women, who are short, petite and have hazel eyes and still want to have children." You'll only be wasting the energy it took to you to get riled up and shoot off that email and your rant won't change their mind, but it will make you appear desperate, insecure and jealous.

People have a right to choose who they want to love. If you chose to scan their profile and then contact them although you could clearly see that you did not "measure up" to their desires, blame yourself.

Example:

If I come across the profile of a gorgeous man who is everything I like and need...except one thing: he smokes. If smoking is a definite no-no in my book, then at that moment, I have the option to avail myself of the back button and move on to the next profile.

I do not have a right to email him a nasty or guilt laden note describing all of the health hazards associated with smoking and top it off with a story on how my favorite Uncle Remus died a slow and agonizing death by lung cancer. None of this will stop that person from smoking just to get a date with you.

If she says she likes green men with horns and tails don't clog up her inbox with emails asking why. She's made her choice known. Accept it and move on to the profile of a woman who describes you as her Mr. Right.

If I like tall, military men and come across the profile of a man who has all of what I desire except he's 5'1, 230 lbs and works as a welder, I have no right to send him an email telling him that he needs to grow, lose weight and join the Marines in order to get a date with me. That's so childish and very annoying. Just by pass the profiles that do not offer 100 percent of what you want or need or decide to apply the 80/20 rule and keep it moving.

If a man's profile says he's attracted to Hispanic women with three eyes and buck teeth, don't shoot him a bunch of emails like: "Your profile reads like a Burger King menu. You have your 'dream' woman described and you're coming of as too picky. I mean it's good to be selective but you're limiting your options."

This won't change his mind and it just might get you a cyber stalking charge if you keep it up. If his description does not describe you, respect his wishes. Just accept what he has posted and move on to a man who describes you as his dream woman.

It's all about choices, people. Internet dating sites have created a wonderful outlet for us to utilize. Use them, but be realistic , respectful, respectable, honest, safe and smart. Apply the same rules as you would if you were dating in real time.

Happy internet dating to each and all.