A Guide to Surviving Black Friday: Shoppers, Start Your Engines!

Shoppers: Start your engines! Time is closing in on the hottest shopping day of the year! You just can't be left out of all the great bargains and close-out specials that will be happening that day, and any shopper worth their salt will tell you this is the day to shop. For all you first timers out there, though, I must warn you this shopping day is not for the meek hearted. After experiencing my first Black Friday shopping frenzy, I swore that they opened the gates to every prison, jail and mental institution in a 100 mile radius, gave everyone they released a couple of hundred dollars and a car and sent them to Wal-Mart to do their Christmas shopping. So, while the excitement of the day can seem overwhelming at first, let me give you a few tips for a successful Black Friday shopping spree.

When you are driving to the store you absolutely must honk your horn repeatedly and curse at anyone who dares to get between you and the awesome bargains that you are chasing. If they happen to be extremely old, extremely young, appear scared to death, or you manage to make them cry you will be blessed by the shopping gods with a supreme deal when you finally get around the asshole and make it to the store!

You must arrive at the store early to get the good deals! That means if the ad says the sale starts at 5:00 am, you have to leave your house by midnight so that you can get to the store in time to stand beside of what you are going to purchase for hours, and smirk at all the idiots who come in later!

Do not let anyone stand in your way of your shopping goals! Sometimes, it requires a creative, and physical approach to beat the hordes of people to what you came for. Be prepared to hurdle counters, knock over small children and trample old people! After all, you know your son needs that set of 10 hot wheel cars for $5.00 worse than the old woman you just crippled getting to them! What the hell would she need hot wheel cars for anyways?

Never leave your buggy unattended! When you are trampling the old people, kicking the kids and climbing over the counters to get to that last set of hot wheels, you absolutely must take your buggy with you. You know that even though there are two million Care bears in the store every other shopper there is eyeing the one that you have! So, it is absolutely imperative that you drag your overloaded shopping cart through every narrow crack that you manage to squeeze into, and if anyone gets run over you get more bonus points!

Well, it is almost time to start getting ready for my Black Friday shopping, so I hope this article helps you out. Now, if I can just remember where I put the stick I took with me last year....