A Guide to Using the Restroom at Work - Don't Wear Purple Shoes

My husband and I had been talking for a month about doing the Master Cleanse. You know the maple syrup and lemon juice stuff? Well in my online readings, I found someone who is a Reiki Master and I immediately sent a message and asked to become a student.

Now I am in week two, which asks that you watch what you eat and cleanse the body. So me being allergic to lemons decide to get a tea for detoxing. Mr. Know It All, a.k.a. my husband, who already started the lemon juice stuff, very assuredly convinced me that "oh that tea ain't gone do nothin", so I drank it and went to bed.

The next day I went on my usual routine and was off to work. I drank my usual cup of coffee and got to work. Before I knew it, it was lunchtime. Me being devoted to eating right, I immediately made a B-line to America's golden arches and ordered a #1 super size.

No longer on an empty stomach, the tea kicked in. Right in the middle of my workday. Believe me, the Incredible Hulk doesn't have the muscle control it takes to wait to go to the restroom after this tea starts to work.

I had to go into survival mode and use my "using the restroom at work skills". First things first, go to another floor. Have respect for those you have to look in the eye. Next, and this is a pet peeve of mine, go to the stall farthest away from the door. Don't let your recycled meal smack others in the face as soon as they walk in the door. It is advised that you clean the seat, even if there are paper seat covers.

This next one takes co-ordination and timing, flush just before "it" hits the water. In fact, flush often this keeps odor down and contains the level of embarrassment for all. Once you've completed all of your paperwork, make sure there are no skid marks left or any traces of your deed. If there are, do whatever you have to do to get them out, like flush some more.

Also, if you have any kind of body spray, perfume, cologne, or air freshener, now is the time to spray. It is recommended however, that spraying and flushing coincide with each other based on one's skill level.

So let's recap, we've gone to another floor, used the stall farthest away from the door, we've dropped, flushed, and sprayed simultaneously and the paperwork is all done. Our most important step is to wash our hands, not look guilty and get the hell out of there. Do not linger. Also, do not speak of this act to another soul until after 5 o'clock or whatever your quitting time is.

Most importantly, do not wear purple shoes. They null and void all your actions and everyone will know its you. Yep, I wore purple shoes.