A Healing Journey

For years I was the strong one.

I held you up when you began to fall.

I wiped your tears when you cried.

I cushioned your angry tirades.

I made excuses for your lack of boundaries.

I told myself over and over again

that my love would somehow flow into you

and come back to me...

and I felt guilty for even thinking that.

It made my motives seem less than honorable.

I wanted to be a good wife.

I was a good wife.

I wanted us to last forever...

because that is what marriage is supposed to be.

Forever.

Now, here we are.

You are there.

I am here.

We are separated by so much more than walls.

We are separated by pain, fear, and resentment.

I have a wall around me so thick

it may never be broken.

I know you want me back,

but my heart tells me that its too late.

I look at you and you seem like a stranger to me.

Since being gone, I feel so much peace inside.

I feel like a caged bird set free,

like an eagle soaring into the blue.

I can't even say that I miss the person you are now.

I do miss the man I married 30 years ago....

and sometimes the tears fall down

when I think of the way it used to be.

But I'm weary and beaten down.

I'm so depleted I have nothing to give right now...

at least to anyone else.

For now, I'm working on me.

For now, I'm learning what it means to love myself.

For now, I'm learning that its OKAY to be good to myself.

I deserve to be happy and loved.

I deserve to be free of toxic people, places, and things.

I deserve to be at peace.

I'm a wounded spirit

and I need to heal.

Reconciliation cannot come

with a mere hello, a smile,

or a kiss on the cheek.

Reconciliation comes

after the healing,

and only if my heart tells me its right.