A Hiker's Guide to Parking Lots of America

If ever I'm abducted, direct the police to look for my truck on the outer reaches of any parking lot in America. That's where I prefer to park. The beehive of vehicle activity in the parking spaces up close to the destination building is perilous, with cars, trucks, and SUVs whizzing around as if all national commerce is about to cease permanently.

I like to park out there in the wide open spaces. I pull my old pickup out there right next to the luxury cars and the limousine with driver waiting. It's very comforting to park adjacent to a Porsche which has never experienced a raindrop or a 7 Series BMW driven to the parking lot by a manservant.

I've noticed that many people who park close to the destination building entrances are overweight and intensely competitive. These characteristics indicate an indifference to any sort of secure future. Road rage is not isolated to the roadways. I recall reading about a recent parking confrontation in which one combatant had good physical size and a loud voice and the other had a big-bore Sig-Sauer. That Sig-Sauer thing is not a German luxury car, by the way.

Separation anxiety plays into the parking decision, too. People who park their Mercedes-Benzes close to the bank building often experience a powerful impulse to take a break from their financial affairs. They can't resist returning to the parking lot to give their prized vehicle a hug before returning to the bank to make their auto payments.

I'm especially fascinated by people who pull into a parking space at Indy car speeds, then take half an hour to apply makeup, shave, or make a phone call before getting out of their cars. I am myself guilty of breaching parking lot etiquette. Before I exit my truck, I must triangulate the distance to other vehicles, conduct surveillance of surrounding parking spaces, and eliminate the possibility of other drivers trying to park close to me.

The slope of the parking lot figures into such calculations, as does the location of the shopping cart park. With the appropriate slope, a shopping cart can be let loose by a shopper, sometimes with malice aforethought, and that runaway cart will savage your dreams of parking lot nirvana.

There are safety reasons for parking close to the store. Who hasn't seen those "true crime" YouTube videos depicting parking lot robberies and abductions? Big stores know that well-lighted parking lots are essential, but it's only the newer malls which have adequate video monitoring systems.

People may complain of invasions of privacy when they're preparing to board a plane but the late night shopper's complaint is more often about inadequate lighting and security cameras. Late night frontal parking spaces are popular at shopping malls. The best thing is to park under a light pole. This type of parking is surprisingly safe. People who favor this nocturnal insect style of parking often carry pepper spray. Heated disputes rarely occur under the pole lights, I've noticed.

Underground and above ground parking garages near city administration buildings present a significant challenge. The popular parking spaces are those clustered around the out ticket booths in full view of the parking attendant. These spaces are usually reserved for lawyers, judges, and other court officials.

A singular annoying aspect of civil administration parking is the quantity of space reserved for "compact cars." Such spaces are often occupied by mid-sized cars, parked there by people prepared to go to the Supreme Court to establish that their Cadillac CTS-Vs are indeed "compacts." In public building parking lots, you also want to stay out of spaces reserved for law enforcement because that is one of the few times you are likely to see swift justice.

By far, the most interesting parking competitions occur in big cities which offer an "early bird special." The only thing "special" about some of New York's vertical parking garages is that you need special bank financing to afford them. "Early bird" spots are very likely to be occupied by limo drivers and other special friends of the ticket attendant, and finance moguls who don't begin work until 10:00 a.m.

If you're a Brooklyn dope dealer driving a red Ferrari and living next door to the parking lot attendant, you may also get a spot on the lower floor with a nod, a wink, and a C-note. Don't try it if you're dressed like a plumber on your way to an emergency job in your General Motors Aztec.

Generally, I succumb to the lure of the fresh air and physical exercise of the top parking floors, an option especially attractive during ice or snow storms. I grit my teeth, avoiding the greasy, puke-stained elevator, and take the steps ten floors down to street level. This can be a little dicey when you're coming back from a late night entertainment in winter. You may find the bottom floors entirely deserted and the parking booth attendant laughing away the hours with an off-duty Sikh cab driver and two guys who sell forged passports outside the Port Authority building.

I guess there are better parking strategies than my own. But so far, I've never been abducted so I can't tell for sure if it's an effective strategy.