A History of Drugs and Alcohol in America...Oh, And a Little Sex Too

Few people have as much expertise in the areas of drugs and alcohol-and the trouble that shit can get you into-than yours truly. You may be surprised to learn that I used to live a pretty tough life barely surviving on the mean streets of suburban white America, injecting, smoking, snorting and drinking anything that would help me deal with the plight of being a suburban white American. I even worked as a male prostitute for a while just to support my habit. It was tough, but it made me into what I am today-a babbling idiot constantly in and out of rehab.

So as a service to you, I decided to take everything I've learned over the years about drugs and alcohol and share my expertise. Unfortunately, I am usually stoned out of my head and often experience blackout periods where I can't find my penis and end up pissing my pants, so I really can't remember anything prior to this morning. Because of that, a majority of my "expertise" will be little more than semi-coherent ramblings of made up crap. My hope is that if I can help even one person deal with addiction, I'll get to take all his drugs.

The Effects of Drugs and Alcohol on Our Population

Ever since the beginning of time, alcoholic beverages and mind-altering drugs have played key roles in the proliferation of human life, for without them, most of us would never, ever get laid. I mean just take a look around you next time you're at the mall-a vast majority of people are pretty goddamn ugly! Yet there are well over six billion of us cluttering this planet and temporarily blurred vision is the only reasonable explanation for that.

It may take a keg or two to get there, but eventually every zit, open sore, scar, hairy mole, pockmark, and missing tooth you noticed the moment you walked into the bar has suddenly seemed to disappear from the woman sitting next to you. Amy Winehouse has become Angelina Jolie. Unfortunately, there's the morning after when you find yourself galloping full speed to your car, half-dressed and screaming at the top of your lungs, completely unaware that the beast you just woke up next to will be hunting you down in a couple months to let you know your man-goo and her lady-stuff had successfully merged into what is sure to be one ugly-ass baby. Ain't love beautiful?

How much of an effect have drugs and alcohol had on repopulation of the planet? The National Institute for Making up Statistics says that minus alcohol and other judgment impairing substances, the current world population would likely be around 500-most of them Hollywood actors and actresses. Of course, with no ugly people to go watch their crappy movies, these beautiful creatures would probably be homeless and without booze and drugs to help them through their miserable lives. So it is through our love for Tequila and Jack Daniels and Budweiser and moonshine and pot and cocaine that we humans have managed to keep our species from extinction.

Prohibition

Believe it or not, there was a dark period in our history when the manufacture and sale of alcohol in the United States was illegal. That's when some stick-up-the-ass Christian folks decided that allowing other people to have fun was evil and called for a ban on the very liquid refreshments that had brought their hideous-looking parents together in the first place.

So in 1919, the 18^th Amendment was ratified and ugly people-aside from those living in the Appalachian Mountains where unfortunate looks are valued-were once again sitting at home with no hope of ever finding someone blotto enough to be willing to jump in the sack with them. Yes, it was pretty much impossible for your average American to get laid during Prohibition, but that all ended in 1933. When asked why he and the First Lady maintained separate rooms, President Franklin Roosevelt responded, "If the American people expect me to share a bed with old goat face over there, I'm gonna need a few hundred beers." Shortly after that, the 18^th amendment was repealed and sex was no longer reserved for the beautiful people.

Reefer Madness

Way back in the '30s and '40s, it was widely believed that pot could turn teenagers into raving maniacs. The film Reefer Madness was produced to show the effects of weed on America's youth and presented teens as out-of-control sex fiends while under the spell of marijuana. This film, of course, is so inaccurate it is laughable. Smoking marijuana doesn't turn teenagers into out-of-control sex fiends-ecstasy does. The pot is for later.

The Fifties

Caught up in the whole Ozzie and Harriet perfect family lifestyle bullshit, Americans abstained from drugs, alcohol and sex during the '50s. The dam of frustration would eventually explode in the '60s and all hell would break loose.

The Sixties

I have some wonderful memories of all the fun times I experienced during the decade of the '60s. Unfortunately, those memories are tucked away in brain cells that were severely damaged by the fun times I experienced during the decade of the '60s. So about all I can really recall was throwing up a lot. Luckily, much of what occurred during that crazy decade was documented in both film and print, and from what I've seen and read everybody was so goddamn high we actually said things like "do your own thing," and "groovy." So maybe the whole memory loss thing ain't so bad after all.

The Seventies

Just take a look at the clothes and hairstyles and give a listen to the music from this wretched decade and you will know everything you need to know about the effects of cocaine on the human brain. Yes, the '70s was the decade in which throwing on bellbottoms and platform shoes, snorting white powder up your nose and dancing to the Bee Gees was all the rage. This disturbing trend is what led our government leaders to begin the "War on Drugs" when in reality, the faster and less costly route would have been to wage war on the Bee Gees. About five minutes and a shot gun would have done the trick.

Modern Times

Despite the amazing success of the War on Drugs, Americans are still drinking, smoking, snorting and injecting their little brains out. And of course that all has led to a mass cross-country sex orgy which has created a shitload of ugly new people who walk the Earth and muddy up our already murky human gene pool. In other words, not much has changed.

Conclusion

So what have we learned?

People like to get fucked up and screw.