A History of Etiquette Guides

When most people hear the term "etiquette," they may think of strict and arcane social rules designed for wealthy, high-society people. Or they may think of rules that govern relatively minor matters of taste such as what fork to use with one's salad or when it is proper to wear white shoes.

But as long as human society has existed, it has needed rules to guide people's behavior toward others, and people have needed written guides to those rules.

The world's oldest written etiquette guide - in fact, the oldest literary work of any kind in existence - was composed by Egyptian philosopher Ptah-Hotep during the Fifth Egyptian Dynasty around 3550 B.C. The papyrus scroll lists rules of behavior which wise men should pass on to their sons. The term "etiquette" itself dates from 17th century France, where King Louis XIV used small placards or "etiquettes" to remind his guests of the rules of court behavior.

On the other side of the Atlantic, the father of American etiquette was none other than the Father of Our Country himself, George Washington, who compiled a list of "Rules of Civility and Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation" at the age of 16. Based on earlier rule books from France and England, many of Washington's rules remain useful today:

"Every action done in company, ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present."

"Sleep not when others speak, sit not when others stand, speak not when you should hold your peace, walk not on when others stop."

"In visiting the sick, do not presently play the physician if you be not knowing herein."

In the 18th and 19th centuries, etiquette was usually taught in schools, particularly in the private schools to which wealthier families sent their children. By the early 20th century, however, the movement of the middle class into professional and social circles formerly inaccessible to them prompted numerous questions about proper etiquette.

Socialite-turned-author Emily Post (1873-1960), who was born to a wealthy Baltimore family and married into a wealthy New York family, stepped up to answer those questions in 1922 with her book "Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home."

The book - later titled simply "Etiquette" - became a best seller and has been updated numerous times in the past 80 years. Today, Emily Post's great-granddaughter-in-law, Peggy Post, and other relatives carry on her legacy through the Emily Post Institute (which describes itself as a "barometer for civility" in America) and its website.

Other notable 20th century etiquette experts included:

-- Amy Vanderbilt (1908-1974), a New York City native, newspaper reporter and public relations consultant, who published "Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette" in 1952. She also hosted television and radio programs on good manners. Vanderbilt -- a distant relative of the famed Cornelius Vanderbilt family who did not share in their wealth - was regarded as a successor to Emily Post, and her books, like Post's, have been updated numerous times.

-- Letitia Baldridge (born 1925), daughter of a Congressman and sister of a Reagan Cabinet official, served as First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy's White House social secretary from 1961 to 1963. She wrote two Amy Vanderbilt etiquette books in the late 1970s (after Vanderbilt's death) before branching out on her own in the 1980s.

-- Judith Martin (born 1938), author of the "Miss Manners" syndicated advice column. Martin's columns and books - with titles such as "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" and "Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Perfect Children" - are known for their wit and humor.

-- Marjabelle Young Stewart (1924-2007), an Iowa native who learned good manners from the staff of an orphanage she lived in for several years after her parents divorced. As an adult, she became a professional model and sponsored charm school classes for all ages. Her annual list of America's "best mannered" cities frequently cited Charleston, S.C., Savannah, Ga., and - surprisingly -- New York City.

Baldridge, Martin and Stewart all lived or worked in Washington, D.C. and were part of its social scene during their careers. Baldridge and Martin still live in D.C., while Stewart spent her later years in Kewanee, Ill. after marrying her second husband.

The most popular subjects of etiquette guides today are weddings and business and workplace manners.

Reflecting changes in society since the Post and Vanderbilt era, wedding etiquette guides today address issues such as blended families, second and third marriages, brides and grooms who are already living together or have children together, marriages between couples of different faiths or cultures, and more recently, same-sex unions. Meanwhile, questions about the proper use of e-mail, cellular phones, and faxes, how to write letters, how to compose resumes, and how to get along with bosses and co-workers dominate business etiquette guides.

in addition to the numerous how-to guides, there are also how-not-to guides. A notable example of the latter is EtiquetteHell.com, the website of former wedding consultant Jeanne Hamilton, who has collected thousands of true-life stories of rudeness, ignorance, tackiness and selfishness displayed at weddings by "bridezillas", attendants, family members and guests.

"I have heard just about everything that can be done in the way of rudeness from fist fights at weddings, pinning down a bridesmaid to forcibly paint her fingernails, elaborate schemes to extort cash from guests, a bride whose first dance with her husband at the reception was actually a striptease, and vengeful mothers who make the Wicked Witch of the West look like Snow White," Hamilton states at the site.

Etiquette Hell has since branched out to include cautionary tales about manners (or the lack thereof) displayed at family gatherings, funerals, holiday parties and other special events. The website also covers dating, child behavior, neighbors, driving/road rage, bad bosses, bad customers, bad co-workers and other business issues.

Many of the tales from Etiquette Hell would, of course, have made Emily Post's carefully coiffed hair stand on end. But some find them more interesting and more practical than traditional etiquette guides - in large part because they demonstrate why good manners are important, as well as the real-life consequences of ignoring them.

Sources:

http://www.essortment.com/all/historyofetiq_rizc.htm

http://proetiquette.com/history.html

http://www.emilypost.com/ (Emily Post Institute)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Post

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miss_Manners

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Letitia_Baldrige

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Vanderbilt

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/11/us/11stewart.html (New York Times obituary of Marjabelle Stewart)

http://www.etiquettehell.com/