A History Lesson for the ADD Generation - Fifty Years in Five Minutes

As the first decade of the twenty-first century orders last call and makes one last desperate look around the room for it's dwindling romantic possibilities, I thought it would be appropriate to take a look back at the last fifty years, for the benefit of the increasing number of people who have arrived late to the scene in this cosmic Dali painting called life.

Here we take a quick look at the decades before people were tethered by wifi to the Bored Collective, back to a more innocent and cheesier time. In each decade many key historical events occurred over which scholars will be arguing their feelers off for centuries to come. However I have skillfully distilled the key essence events that describe each decade. Strap on your 3d glasses and disco sideburns, here we go!

The 60's

Archie Bunker, Edith, Gloria and Meathead showed us what it means to be a family in the turbulent, self-examining, intransigent, economically-challenged society of the USA, in the classic sitcom All in the Family. For this reason, Archie's chair (and signature derriere-print) is preserved for all time in the Smithsonian Institution. This show was attended by other like shows featuring the social and civic challenges of minority cultures in shows like The Jeffersons and Good Times.

The Sixties also gave the world baby booming hippies, Preemptive War, biker culture, patches on denim, a solidifying space program, as well as those two very weird consumables, marijuana and Tang. It also saw the mass production of the big, steaming, growling muscle car. Finally, a subculture that would come to metastasize into the kind of real-world future unseen since Orwell's neoconservative prophecy, 1984: I'm talking about of course, Star Trek.

Now, if you have never heard of Woodstock or any of the groups that performed there, do not speak in public again until you have familiarized yourself with them. For if you shrug them off, you dismiss your own credibility to 99.97% of the rest of intelligent life on this planet. If you ever hear someone saying, "I don't know who the Beatles were", give them Dr Kavorkian's business card. You'll be doing them a favor.

To summarize the sixties, I'll quote the Starship Enterprise's Vulcan Science Officer, Mr Spock: "I am attempting to construct a mnemonic memory circuit using stone knives and bearskins."

The 70's

Farrah Fawcett and her feathered hair.

Need I go on? Ok, a bit more. Though after Farrah, it's really all superfluous.

Surly cops on TV, tracking down surly organized criminals and drug-crazed hippies. This was during television's golden age when characters were still permitted to be old and ugly, and to wear rumpled polyester suits from Sears, in order to more accurately represent the reality of the time. Actors such as Gene Hackman and James Caan could find purchase in Hollywood. Could they if they started out today?

A lot of people might mention the Nixon and Carter administrations and their stunning displays of government efficacy, but I won't. A lot of people may mention the tremendous cultural contributions of Smokey and the Bandit, and Charlie's Angels, but those, I should think, are obvious choices. Instead, any mention of the seventies wouldn't be complete without referencing Welcome Back Kotter, and the Bee Gees disco revolution (both of which can thank John Travolta), with Donna Summer's pop hit "Bad Girls" rounding out the decade. The final things worth mentioning about the Seventies were mechanical sharks, suede roller disco sneakers and tight jogging shorts - for every gender and lifestyle.

To summarize the Seventies:

"Oh, my nose!"

-Marsha, after getting hit with a football on the day of the big dance.

The 80's

Wolverines!

Cold war, the Waitresses, Little Nikita, Back to the Future, Thriller, the Boss, and Herman Hesse's Head of the Class. I know, I'm supposed to go right to John Huston and his seminal 80's coming of age oeuvre, which I will simply summarize as "Don't You Forget About Me". But more culturally vital to the annals of history will surely be the realization of one of the finest musical geniuses of Generation X: Weird Al Yankovic. With classic songs like the (über-cool) Greg Kinn cover "I Lost on Jeopardy", and "Polkas on 45", Yankovic's career would soar and span the globalpolitik for decades to come. (Sorry, Madonna).

Of course I would be remiss if I failed to mention David Byrne, the Talking Heads, and his movie True Stories. And let's not neglect the megalomaniacal Terry Gilliam and his seminal Brazil - second only to William Gibson's Neuromancer for mind-blowing futuristic prophecy. (Ha, you thought I was going to say Bladerunner, didn't you)!

Much to Stephen Speilberg's chagrin, the eighties saw the birth of pop teen sex and horror-themed movies a la Porky's and Halloween, but none can best An American Werewolf in London. On a more serious note, Less Than Zero and Bright Lights, Big City, Michael J Fox's less comedic side. Max Headroom, Harry Dean Stanton's Repo Man and the Violent Femmes round out the decade.

To summarize the Eighties, I can quote the undead victims in American Werewolf: "Can't say we're pleased to meet you, Mr. Kessler."

And I'm going to shout "wolverines" again". WOLVERINES!

The 90's

Now here it gets tricky for a scholar historian such as myself to effectively understand or evaluate this time, as I had then crossed the Rubicon into my thirtieth birthday. I will however attempt to do so with the understanding that the following text may be biased, myopic, "fogie-ish", and hopelessly conservative.

"Lump". Nirvana. Susanne Vega vs Lisa Loeb in the Texas Cage Cultural Grudge That Didn't Happen Match of the Century. A cross-party PR attack on the Presidency and its ensuing oppressing, stupefying stranglehold on mass media. Standup comedians only had to rearrange "Clinton", "Sex", and "Hill" (either Hillary or Hillbilly) into new arrangements for the constant flow of hilarious fodder overflowing from the septic tank of comedic genius. Ah, they really earned their beans night after night.

The Nineties also saw the secret social transition from a capitalist society to one of "service", or servitude, and a strict ceiling on personal economic growth, reserved mainly for the massive corporatism that sprang from the eighties. With industries marshaling resources to promote and reward only a top-earning fraction of their talent pools, leaving whole swaths of creative people in the lurch, little did they know that the internet, then in its infancy, was about to bite all of them in the ass. Enjoy the stranglehold while you can, 90's mass media! Sure, I like Stephen King but it doesn't mean I want to destroy the hopes and dreams of every other unknown writer! Bill Hicks went from being "regular guy with attitude (and no hope of ever getting a real job)" to "dead comedic genius". It's not that he's a genius. It's just that so many others are mediocre. And Bill was never properly exploited. If they say he was "ahead of his time" what they really mean is that his characteristic foul language is no longer a barrier to success, as it was when he was actually alive and performing.

To recap the Nineties, allow me to say, no, Alanis, ten thousand spoons weren't ironic. Your popularity was.

The 00's

Brian Setzer put an orchestra together.

Still waiting for anything more notable than that to happen. There's still a little time left, we'll see.

To wax epithetic on the Naughts, I will say only this: Star Trek now has lens flares!

Exeunt Stage Right

Well there you have it, students of modern world history. Apologies to any who may feel slighted by this list - your George Lucas's, your Muhammed Ali's, your Cindy Laupers and Michael Moores. Apologies to your Mad Maxes, your gangland rappers, your baggy pants, your MC Hammers, N'Syncs, and your Internets. I'd like to apologize personally to the Ramones and Run DMC for not making this list on account of being too cool to need public recognition.

Feel free to cut and paste any part of this article for your term papers and political strategy sessions. Please don't attribute it to me. I'll deny every word of it.