A Horse's Deposit on a Sesame Seed Bun

Misspelled words and bad grammar in this review are done on purpose to simulate the western dialect used by this reviewer.

YEEEHAAW!

Howdy, Pardner! Welcome to my Restaurant Roundup Review! Today I'm reviewin' fer ya one of my FAY-VOR-RITE waterin' holes, McDonalds!. So hang on to yer saddle, Pardner-cause I'm gonna take ya fer a wild ride! Yeeehaaaw!

WHERE'D RONALD GET TO?

Whadever happened to that goofy ol' clown they used ta have on the TV? Ronald McDonald? I ain't seen him around these parts in a long time-have you? Did they put him out to pasture? I reckon he's jest a stud clown now-hehehe!

KAN I TAKE YER ORDER PLEASE?

That's what the gal behind the counter says to ya when ya get to the front of the line. Before that, the manager says to ya, "Sir, could you please remove your horse; we don't allow pets. Have you thought about using our drive..er...ride by window?" The gal behind the counter though was REAL PURDY--and pretended not to notice that I ain't bathed fer quite a spell. She was real nice.

Now, one of the NEG-A-TIVES (that's a new word I done learned) I have about this ES-TAB-BLISH-MENT is that ya has to learn yer self how ta count and read the menu. They has them combo meals labeled ONE...TWOO...THREEE...FOOOOUR...you git the idea.

You kan order one of them combo meals if ya want--and, if yer a big fat sow with a big appetite, you can ask the gal behind the counter to SUPERSIZE it fer ya. It costs a little more-but ya get more grub.

I ordered the BIG MAC, the onion rangs, the fried taters, and a vanilla milkshake. (I reckon they had to shake the cow out back real hard while they was milkin' it to git the shake so thick.)

WHOA! They's quicker on the draw than Billy-the-Kid! My order is ready faster than a bobcat with a bur under his tail!

THE GRUB

Holy catfish! The BIG MAC looks like a horse's deposit on a sesame seed bun! So I put lots a that free catsup on it before I take a bite...there, the flavor ain't too bad now.

If you got ducks on yer farm like I do then you know what I'm talkin' about when I tell ya that the shake looks like a duck's deposit in a cup! Tastes real good, though...mmm...mmm.

The fried taters is greasy and crispy like they's sposed ta be. Ain't nearly salty enough though. But you ain't got ta worry, Pardner. McDonalds got plenty uh salt -LOAD UP!

The onion rangs was kinda stale. I reckon they'd be good for playin' horseshoes-hehehe!
I thought about givin' em to my horse-but was afeared uh what might come out the other end.

AHHM-BEE-ONSE

I found it doggone hard to enjoy my grub-with all them youngins runnin' round the place like a pack a wild horses! Shouldn't they be in skool? Don't get me wrong, Pardner, I like youngins-as long as they has their bridles on and they's tied down.

I learned me a another new word: AHHM-BEE-ONSE. That's what this waterin' hole has when them youngins is tied down proper.

WHERE'S THE OUTHOUSE?

"Where's the outhouse?" you might be wonderin'. They ain't got none no how. You gotta use one of them new-fangled rooms called the LA-VA-TO-REE. HEY THAR! Now I kan worsh up afterwards! I reckon this room is kleaner than my outhouse at the farm-however, I miss that down-home familiar smell.

KLEANER THAN A BARN

I reckon McDonalds is kleaner than my dirt-floor shack. The ranch hands here are quick on the draw when it's time to klean them tables and mop them floors. They has IN-SPIRED me to take a bath more often.

WHAT I THUNK

All funnin' aside, Pardner, I reckon McDonalds is a real good waterin' hole. The service is fast, the place is klean, the grub is........well, two outta three ain't bad.

FINAL KURTAIN

Well, Pardner, it was sure nice chewin' the fat with ya-but I gotta skeedadle! Yeeeehaaaw!
(williampinn, the roundup reviewer, rides off into the sunset with some fries-to-go. The orchestra rises and plays a western theme.)