A Humorous Diet Story

Several years ago I decided to go on a stringent elimination diet because of a variety of health issues and a moderate weight gain. An elimination diet is extremely strict as you cut out everything processed and potentially allergenic from your diet. You may only eat certain kinds of fresh vegetables, legumes, lean proteins and grains. You can't drink alcohol, soda, carbonated beverages or caffeine. You can't eat soy, wheat, corn, dairy, fruit, or processed meats. Fun times ahead.

I decided to start this diet the day after the Superbowl. This may sound like I was procrastinating, but I was just being realistic. My husband and I are die-hard Patriots fans. He is from Maine, and this was their second time in the Superbowl after their first win ever. My stepson and friend were heading over from Auburn U. and we had a gluttonous fiesta planned. We grilled a variety of meats, I made a huge bowl of my guacamole, we had chips, salsa, and tons of other snacks, as well as a cooler full of beer and all the fixings for pitcher after pitcher of margaritas. There was no way I wasn't getting a piece of that action before I gave everything up for 4-6 months.

It was a wild night. We yelled, screamed, cheered, and cried. We also ate and drank, ate and drank, ate and drank. The boys slept downstairs on the couch - or rather passed out on the couch and we stumbled upstairs to bed, fat and happy that our team had won once again.

The next morning I woke slowly, one eye at a time. My head throbbed and I felt nauseous and disgusting, as if I had gained ten pounds over night. I threw on a t-shirt and sweatpants and went downstairs in search of a glass of water.

I could not believe my eyes. My stepson and his friend were spread-eagled on the couch, snoring and stinking. The table was littered with half-full beer cans and sticky margarita cups, and it looked as if chips and salsa had not just fallen on the carpet but literally been ground into it. The room reeked of alchohol, B O and stale chips. I felt sicker. I got some water and went back upstairs to shower. I actually had to drive my daughter to school that day for some reason and I envied everyone else the ability to sleep in.

After my shower, water and ibuprofen I felt marginally better. Then it happened. The last straw, the thing that made me actually want to start my extreme diet. I pulled on my jeans, zipped them up, and bent over to pick something up. They ripped all the way up my backside with the rudest noise, as if they were mocking my ass! Time to clean up the act! I lost 15 pounds on that diet.