A Humurous Online Marketing Glossary

Starting an online business these days is a scary business. Everywhere you look, there is an amazing opportunity that is guaranteed to produce seemingly incredible amounts of monthly income. Are these claims genuine, or just a figment of someone's vivid imagination?

Unfortunately, truth in advertising and professional ethics have become digitally extinct. The bottom line is sales and lining the bank accounts of some obscure person you probably wouldn't trust to feed your cat. Anonymity is not only the key to the success of many, it is also the boon of many a starry-eyed opportunity seeker.

It seems that the "gurus" or professional online marketers have their own lingo. It's a bit like learning a new language, but if you are just starting out, it may be helpful to know the "true" meanings of the terms you are sure to see.

Auto-pilot-The only thing that runs on autopilot is the draining of your bank account with the recurring monthly fee schedule buried in the fine print. Translation: income taxes

Autoresponder-another way for the guru to make you think your special. Immediate response is translated into personal attention for the requested information. Translation: Answering machine

Blog-A way to advertise your product every day. Translation: Diary of a Used Car Salesman

Free-Come on. Nothing, especially on the Internet is free. It will at least cost you your e-mail address. How else would they be able to offset the cost of contacting you to sell you something at a later date?
Translation: Free isn't

Guarantee-You can get your money back assuming you can locate the person you gave it to in the first place. Translation: Good Luck

Guru-An unscrupulous internet professional who has a proven track record of selling to newbies. He knows how to hype up and rehash old information to create the latest and greatest program to sell to the people who bought his/her last failed opportunity. These are the only people truly making money in Internet marketing. Translation: Used Car Salesman

List-The thing you have to sign up for in order to get "free" information. This opens the door for the gurus to email you with the sales pitch about their latest greatest product. The favorite saying of Internet gurus: The money's in the list. Translation: Little Black Book

Newbie-If you don't know what a newbie is, you probably are one. This is a person who is new to internet marketing and an easy target for hyped up rehashed information. Even if you're not a sucker for everything that comes down the pike, you will be treated like one. Translation: Fresh meat

Opportunity-Usually, the only opportunity is for the guru to make a quick buck then disappear into anonymity. Translation: Highway Robbery

Opt-in-This is a free pass for the guru to clog your inbox with sales pitches. Translation: Your phone number on the bathroom wall

OTO-One-Time-Opportunity-"This is the only time you will see this amazing offer..." Yeah, Right! And when you close that window, a new one comes up with an even lower price. This is just another attempt to get you to part with your cash. Translation: Infomercial

Pop-up-Everyone has experienced these nasty little windows that appear out of nowhere. This is just another opportunity to get you to look at the product, especially since it is virtually impossible to close them. These little demon windows have evolved so that even pop-up blockers are of little effect. Translation: Telemarketers at dinnertime

Pre-Launch-This is supposedly a chance to buy a product before it's official release. This is the lamest term yet. Either the campaign has launched or it hasn't. The term is used to make you think you're a part of some special group being offered a first chance look, but in reality, you're just another name on the list. Translation: Premature ejaculation

Product-Usually the "product" is information. Something that they know, and assume you don't. Add some exaggerated performance claims, a few contrived testimonials, charge an exorbitant amount of money, and it becomes a product. Translation: Used Car

Secrets-Bits of information that entice you to want more information so you have to buy the product. Translation: Free samples

Spam-Unwanted or unsolicited e-mail promoting stuff that you wouldn't buy in the first place. Now who would do this? Better yet, what can you do to stop it? Translation: Junk Mail

Test Drive-This allows you to use their system free for a short period of time and allows them access to your credit card number for future charges. Translation: See Auto-pilot

Testimonial-These offer great product reviews from people you don't know or trust, and quite possible might not exist. There are software programs available to produce testimonials. All you do is make up some names, or put in your friends names. Why would anyone actually believe a testimonial on the Internet? Translation: "Trust Me"

Traffic Exchange-Marketers view other marketers websites in an effort to earn credits which allow them to show their website. This is like trying to sell ice to an Eskimo. Translation: Show me yours and I'll show you mine.

This is just a few examples of words you will undoubtedly encounter in your Internet travels. While this is only a partial list, the underlying theme remains the same...Buyer beware. Do not believe everything you read.