A Job Coach's Review of a Struggling Applicant

Good Afternoon, Mr. Candidate.

You state you are in contention for a high profile leadership position for one of the greatest organizations on the world stage and despite fierce competition, you have emerged as the lead contender. That's very commendable, sir. I see that your bid for the top spot has met with some serious trouble.

Let's review your case history.

So you actively sought out the leader of Microsoft's project development and design program, Dr. Pastori and had him bless your immediate network that you created and the site location for your network. You became so endeared with him you regarded him as family. For the following 20-years, you attended various meetings where Dr. Pastori announced his hate for Apple and the leader of Apple, Mr. Jobs. Dr. Pastori also sympathized and honored radical take over ideas by those sworn to destroy Apple.

In addition, it says here that you were friendly with Underground operatives that actively engaged in numerous hostile take over attempts of Apple, illegally sabotaging some of their key locations. Those fair Weather friends remain unrepentant today.

Troubling choices, sir, but we were all young once. What's that you say? You're still friendly with some of those affiliations? I see you recently severed ties with one of them. Well, let's continue with the review process, shall we? Thank you.

Now, present day, you hope to lead Apple and you eloquently tell all the people of Apple that you will change Apple. How's that methodology working for you? Wonderful, you say. Interesting.

I see there are some skeptical Apple people. Your job search team becomes indignant? Very bold move, sir.

You're a strong and viable candidate for the lead position, many of the Apple members began to chant your name and desire this "change" that you speak of. Your following and support are growing. As you mentioned earlier, competition is fierce. One of your opponents vying for the same position as you is a confirmed supporter of Apple and even has a proven record for fighting for Apple's continued existence and the prosperity of her people. This candidate even proudly displays on occasion an Apple symbol on his lapel, even though his loyalty has been properly vetted.

In another bold move and in some form of protest against Apple, the very place you're endeavoring to lead, you removed Apple's most recognizable symbol from your lapel. You eloquently addressed the issue and declared that you refuse to wear that symbol upon your chest, and your loyalty will be proven by your record. What's that you ask, was it courageous or foolish? Perhaps both.

Again, some voting board members of Apple blew up in anger and your supporters became even more indignant. Your spiel begins to spin a positive light on your original cover letter faxed to the voting board members. This unprecedented cover letter was more substantive than your actual resume and poetically spoke of hope and change. Lo and behold, you didn't burn any bridges after all. Close one, sir.

Time goes by and you continue to impressively pick up more support from the Apple people. Things are looking good. You call up the now retired Dr. Pastori and employ him to join your campaign and lead a certain outreach program for you.

Dr. Pastori, always the businessman sees a golden opportunity to add to his riches while the people build his million dollar plus retirement home. Dr. Pastori decides to sell copies of his speeches declaring hate for the very place you are looking to lead. Dr. Pastori even accuses Apple of creating the dreaded virus that caused tragic losses across the globe. Ironically, Apple compassionately spent billions of dollars to repair the devastating damage and heart breaking loss that virus has caused. Apple is still leading the world in technology and efforts in developing the strongest virus protection available.

The people of Apple are really becoming skeptical now and they start to bring you to task. After all, the voting members forgave your surrogate when she claimed that for the firsttime in her adult lifetime she is proud of Apple, because the people started to buy into your "change" mantra. She later claimed that the place you are attempting to lead is down right mean. It appears, Mr. Candidate the subversive ties are starting to choke.

Ok, you fire your "uncle" Dr. Pastori. Good move. What's that, you're married to that surrogate of yours? Ok, obviously you can't fire her or divorce her. You can't quiet her either you say? Well at least there is another spouse on the trail and he is also doing damage to one of your competitors. That does help level the field a bit. Ah, the ties that bond.

It says here, that you flashed your pearly whites and won many of the super board members over. Another narrow escape, but the folks are eager for that veiled change you speak of. What could it be? A cord in every slot? What new deal can this gifted orator deliver?

Many of these board members can hardly contain their excitement. The writer of a popular company newsletter even describes a tingly feeling running up his thigh when he listens to the young, unknown candidate with the questionable affiliations. Only, he doesn't write about the "questionable" affiliations. Very fortuitous, you are doing very well! You are even making grown men weak in the knees. Who's better than you?

Uncle Dr. Pastori speaks at a national press conference and his salacious and fallacious comments are repeated. His same hate speech for the very place you're trying to win over is once again over shadowing your speeches of hope & change. Why salacious? Well, he was gyrating and grinding, simulating a sex act. This was a bizarre demonstration declaring a former leader of Apple was figuratively doing those very sex acts to the people of Apple. Moreover, that speech was performed at a family venue in front of children. Dr. Pastori while at this pure and wholesome place called for the Power Authority to condemn Apple. Clearly, he had no right to evoke the Power Authority's name. In addition, such condemnation would have certainly left all the people of Apple without Light. The voting members and the super board members are becoming nervous.

There's a rumor circulating around the boardrooms that there is a female candidate vying for the same job as you. They really don't like her and ironically note that it was her husband that Dr. Pastori was mimicking. Crazy uncles. Ah, you know what they say, you can't choose your relatives. What's that, you say? You did choose him? Oh, yes that's right he's not your blood relative like your grandmother that had that tragic bus accident. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know you were driving that bus, I won't mention it again. Yes, let's move on.

So, you finally had enough of Dr. Pastori and denounced him, strangely for the very same comments you said you couldn't denounce him over. Earlier while stumping in front of some bitter people, you mentioned you couldn't walk away from Dr. Pastori, that it would've been the same as walking away from your community and a certain typical thinking family member. Yes, I can see why the super board members are confused.

Recent developments indicate that folks are starting to look at that third candidate. The one briefly mentioned earlier. No, not the lady candidate, the older gentleman with the proven track record of leadership and loyalty.

Yes, Mr. Candidate sometimes ties do choke. Maybe, just maybe, your chickens are finally coming home to roost.