A Journey into the Mind

Cutters, or those who purposely cut themselves or abuse their bodies in some form, are often labeled as crazy. In my opinion, based on the things I have felt and thought, I think they are simply emotionally and mentally distraught which is not the same thing as being outright crazy.

I have read articles that explain the need to cut as a control mechanism. When things in your life are going the wrong way and completely out of your control, cutting is a way to feel in control of something. I can believe that, however, I think it is only a small piece of the puzzle.

In this article I attempt to take us on a journey of the imagination. Let us enter the mind of a cutter and feel what they feel. Perhaps it will enlighten us all, if even a tiny bit.

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As we merge ourselves into the surreal world we become one with the mind we are venturing into. All at once we are hit by a huge wave. It is not wet nor dry. It is not blue nor green nor white. It's force is so strong that it knocks us all to the ground in one fell swoop. It is a tidal wave of emotion. As it swirls around us, we flounder in it and feel completely engulfed in it's depths.

While we remain immersed in this ocean of feelings we realize we cannot possibly tell what exactly it's made of. It is not just sadness, or anger, or fear but a maelstrom of all of those feelings. Then comes the pain. It's a physical pain that follows on the heels of the wave of emotion. It is not a sharp stabbing pain, an ache or even a thudding pain. There are no words to describe it except "pure pain". It starts in the chest and radiates out through the body making every nerve fire with pain.

Suddenly from within that sweep of pain, there comes an urge. A strong urge to distract our bodies from the pain we are experiencing. We want to hit something, damage something, injure ourselves. Anything just to make the pain stop. We know the sharp real pain of an actual injury to ourselves would distract our nerves from the pain that now aggravates them.

But we cannot hit anything around us, the noise would alert the other household members of something amiss. We have tried hitting ourselves with our fists on various body parts. We want to leave a bruise, it is a reminder to ourselves of what we are feeling right now because we know once this storm has passed and the wave recedes, we will forget the pain it brought. It will become distant like a faded dream. We must not forget this pain because in order to avoid it, we have to remember it. It is our own stupid mistakes that create the wave of pain. We MUST leave a reminder.

Unfortunately our fists are not hard enough to bruise our skin. We may be a little sore for a day or two, but it is easily dismissed. Something else must be done. We have considered cutting ourselves before, but always gave up on that idea. We lack the courage to do such a deed.

Today, however, the pain is renewed so fresh and strong that we have found ourselves in the kitchen, now contemplating the small paring knife in our hand. We know it's very sharp, we use it to cut vegetables all the time. We don't want to make a big cut. No. We can't make a mistake and cut too deep then everyone would know. They would call us crazy, emotionally disturbed, put us in an institution.. No. Mistakes are not an option.

We carefully consider the process. We know we are not brave enough to do it slowly, applying the necessary pressure to break the skin while dragging it across our skin. No, it must be a quick cut. Now, where to do it? We don't want it right in plain sight where everyone would notice. Cutters tend to do it on their arms right? That seems awfully visible. How about the ankles or leg? No. The skin is too thick there, it would take too much effort to get through it in one motion.

We examine our arm again. Perhaps right under the watchband? That would cover it. Yes. That would do. Just be careful not to hit a major vein. Do it to the side. A fresh wave of "pure pain" sweeps through us again. Our teeth clench, our hand squeezes on the knife. Must do this quickly, in one motion...