A New Kind of Christmas

Since having the stroke, my perspective is altered and it is difficult to find the familiar spirit of the event. Some of the problem is my physical health. I'm so exhausted on a daily basis. It is hard to adjust to the effects of my medicine. I'm told that any one of my blood pressure medicines can cause malaise and I'm on five of them plus two blood thinners. Oh, how terrific is that?

I am struggling to adjust to this new, medically induced calmness. My thoughts are slow and my movements are quieted. I can't 'rev up' to any sense of urgency nor a sense of excitement. I won't call that "bad" but it is very difficult to adjust to. I reflect on my former frantic self and wonder if I miss her. My moods still swing but with much less intensity. My smiles come less frequently but so do the tears. I sigh deeply and often, but mostly to cover my yawning. Where once I was zealous in many things, I am now a quiet proponent of very few things.

But, I'm grateful to be alive. I am especially grateful for the Savior - more than ever this year. I know how close I came to losing this life and I am so grateful to have what I do now. I am grateful to be content in marriage, to enjoy my job and to have a safe place to live. I love my callings and activity in the church.

I am overwhelmed with the gift of my life - it is no longer a simple gift nor an expected one. I cannot express how shamed I am that I ever took it for granted. I am especially humiliated at how often I wished to discard it and mortified that He withholds a more proper punishment for my neglect and defiance. Yes, I am grateful that His hands are outstretched still. There are no words to express how amazed I am that He is not concerned with my regrets. I know the sensation of His loving and healing embrace. I think I could describe my reaction as shock more than amazement.

I am very bewildered at God's love and grace when it comes to everything about me. "I stand all amazed" does not touch the tip of the iceberg. I am accustomed to shouting my awareness of His love from the rooftops. To sense and share the fullness of my response as a warm and gentle embrace is bewildering. It is difficult to express. I am a deliberate and obstinate child of God - one who throws temper tantrums and acts out in loud defiance to most changes in life. Or - I once was.

I expect a beautiful Christmas. It will not rival any previous Christmas as to tradition or events, but it will suit me well. I can honestly say that I want for nothing this year. I am surrounding myself with simple pleasures and I am content with that. Celebrating Christ's birthday this year has been more about knowing, counting and celebrating the blessings He has given me - far more than being about tinsel and trees and presents.

I wish each of you - a peaceful, restful and joyous Christmas. May the love of the Savior radiate in your faces to those with whom you share your holiday this year.