A Learned Way of Thinking

A few years ago, I saw a commercial for sexual harassment that left a huge impact on me. It showed a woman standing among three men during a coffee break. As the men casually, and carelessly, made sexual innuendos, the woman changed. Her head hung lower, she hugged herself and she shrank. She shrank smaller with each remark until she was no longer visible. Very powerful-the woman's physical reaction said so much without her having to say a single word.

That commercial showed how violence-even in the form of words-can peck away at the fibers of a person's self-esteem until they simply...disappear. The worst part is that those men, by the very nature of their words, left their viewers with the impression they'd have no problem, "Shutting a woman up who didn't know her place."

Unfortunately people, like those men in the commercial, won't change unless something happens to force them to see beyond their tunneled-vision. But we can help women by teaching others how to build, nurture, strengthen and repair their self-esteem.
Self-esteem isn't a characteristic trait we're born with, like temperament. It's a seed that must be planted in childhood. Then nurtured, with strong support, to help the child build his or her self-confidence through trial and error . As they get older, they'll learn to repair their self-esteem in times of disappointment so they'll grow into healthy, strong adults.

We must start with ending the line of thinking that girls and boys are different and, therefore, must be treated differently. A lot of girls are taught to be "little ladies" that need to be protected while boys are made to think aggressiveness is "in their nature." The place to start in changing this line of thought is with our children. And here's how to go about it:

(1) It isn't about "boy" or "girl," it's about person. If we categorize certain behavioral characteristics as masculine or feminine, it leads to discomfort or even violence if the opposite sex displays a characteristic they aren't "supposed to." Try to catch yourself when genderizing traits.
Teach a child to be proud of what they can do not to focus on what they can't. When confidence is high, what children can't do won't bother them as much. Cheer a child on for what they're doing, even if they aren't able to reach all the steps.

(2) Teach the old expression, "Treat others the same way you want to be treated." If a child comes to understand others won't treat them nicely when they aren't respectful in return, they may think twice before being rude or mean.

(3) Make them understand violence is never okay. Violence is not the way to resolve a problem. Children will behave to the extent that others allow them to. There are cases where some children are, by their nature, more aggressive. Such children need to be taught to channel their aggression in other ways (Such as exercise, exertive activities or heavy chores). By taking on the view, "Boys will be boys (or girls)," we're making it okay to behave aggressively and violently. This is not okay.

(4) Teach them to see a situation from all angles. If you teach a child to see a situation from all angles, other than just thier own, they'll learn to appreciate other people and their feelings. That way, they'll be able to see the situation from everyone else's shoes and learn to resolve things fairly.

I may be an optimist in my thinking but I believe the way to a world of non-violence is through teaching. My brother and I were surrounded by violence but neither of us is violent or aggressive today. Fortunately, we had a grandfather who taught us that yelling or acting violent is never a solution to a problem but more adds to it. He also taught my brother never to raise a hand to anyone-especially to women. He used to say: "A raised hand makes a weak man."

Let's work together to teach children how to want a world without violence. It starts with us and our own mindset.