A Lesbian Daughter's Plea to Parents of Gay and Lesbian Children

When I was growing up, I never heard about gays and lesbians. My parents wanted to be sure I never had any such influences, and for many years, they succeeded. I always felt different. I knew from an early age that I would never marry a man. During middle school, I developed crushes on many of the girls. It wasn't until college when I finally learned what "gay" was. I had casually heard of people being gay in high school, but only in a negative context. You may think that I grew up in some long ago decade, but surprisingly, I grew up in the 1990s. My parents are very homophobic, so it was definitely a huge shock for them when I came out (or tried to). When I came out of the closet, my parents quickly shoved me back in. They told me that gays and lesbians are more depressed, aren't normal, and that I definitely was not one. Up until then, I figured my parents would always love me. At that moment however, I learned the harsh truth that love is not unconditional. My parents may claim to love me, but they love the person they think I was and the person they hope I will be. My parents certainly don't accept who I am, they don't even tolerate the possibility being mentioned. While my parents are unlikely to ever move past their homophobia, this is my plea to more understanding parents who are willing to listen and want to remain a part of their child's life.

Educate Your Children

While this advice might not help you much if your child already came out, I feel that it is still very important to all parents. It was very hard for me to discover my sexuality, as I didn't even know that others like me existed. All I knew, was that I definitely didn't like guys and that I was having crushes on girls. I didn't know that there were other people out there like me. I didn't even know there was a word for what I was. Do your children a favor and don't shelter them from people who are different. If I had at least known about gays and lesbians, I wouldn't have felt so alone. I remember sitting around thinking for hours about how I wished I could be with a girl, but I couldn't. I would think about how I must be asexual because I just couldn't think about liking men. There were times when I contemplated suicide because I "knew" I would live my life alone or I'd be miserable and married to a man. Yet my parents thought that they were protecting me, by not exposing me to gays and lesbians at all. When they finally did mention gays, it was with homophobic comments. They would talk about wanting to kill all gays and lesbians to make the world a better place. I didn't know exactly what gays and lesbians were, I just knew that they were bad. If instead my parents had just given me some facts, I would have had some information so that I could look into things further on my own. I think that a good time to mention gays and lesbians, would be when you first have the birds and the bees talk with your child. It doesn't have to be a detailed discussion, you just need to get the ideas out there to them. A simple explanation such as, "some people love the opposite sex, some people love the same" will do at first. Add to the discussion as you feel comfortable. Don't shelter your children though. Best case scenario, your child ends up being like you with your homophobic views. Worst case scenario, your child is gay and thinks they are alone in the world and commits suicide.

Make an Effort to Learn

Before I came out to my parents, I tried to slip tidbits of information about gays and lesbians into conversations. At the time, gay marriage was a hot issue, so there was a lot to talk about. When I came out, I printed out information from PFLAG's website (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). My parents refused to read anything. They claimed that I was being brainwashed. Even if you feel that someone could have turned your child gay or that your child had a choice, just try to look at things from another viewpoint as well. PFLAG has a lot of excellent information out there, but there are also several books that you could find to read. Try your best not to be close minded.

Don't Overreact

I realize that it can be a shock for parents to find out that their child is gay. Maybe parents should all prepare themselves for the possibility no matter how unlikely it seems to them. Sometimes you don't have much control over your reactions, but do your best to stay in control. When I came out, there was a lot of yelling from dad and my mom had a nervous breakdown. While my mom was recovering, I was never allowed for one moment to feel like that nervous breakdown wasn't my fault. Like I would have chosen to be a lesbian in this homophobic household. My parents thought I wanted to disappoint them. Your gay or lesbian child is not trying to disappoint you. Instead, your child is trying to allow you into an important part of their life. They are still the same person you always knew, you just learned a new piece of information about them.

Sometimes Tolerance is All You Can Manage

If you can't accept your child right away, that's okay. Tell them your reasoning and that they need to give you some time. You have to realize however, that you aren't going to change them. My parents tried to tell me that gays and lesbians are more depressed so that I would want to be a "normal" heterosexual. If gays and lesbians are more depressed though, perhaps it is because their parents do not accept them. My parents not only wouldn't accept me though, they wouldn't even tolerate me being a lesbian. They told me that I should try out dating first before I made such claims. When I told them that I'd try dating women, they were very opposed to the idea. They wanted me to try dating men, but by the age of 25 they said I would know my sexuality and at that point I could "choose" to be a lesbian. You can't realistically expect that your child won't date until they are 25. Even if you don't want to hear about their dates, they're going to date whether you like it or not. Once your child is 18, you don't really have a say in this. However, if you want to continue to have a relationship with your child, tolerance is a good answer.

Examine and Move Past Your Homophobia

Many people are homophobic, yet they don't exactly know why. Some people claim that their homophobia has something to do with their religion. Others claim that they don't like gays and lesbians because homosexuality is just plain unnatural. Examine the roots of your homophobia and try to learn more. Why do you hate gays? Do gay people hurt you? What's so different about you and someone who is gay? If your child is happy and in love, is that wrong just because they love someone of the same sex? If you've been indoctrinated to believe that homosexuality is wrong, examine the source. Is a certain religious book supposedly to blame? Read the passages in your religious text rather than going by the interpretations of others. Consider the time period when the text was written and if the text is still relevant today. If you hate homosexuals so much, do you hate your own child? Perhaps you've always thought of homosexuals as "those people", rather than people you actually knew. When you think about it, your children don't want to imagine their parents together in the bedroom. A lot of people are homophobic because they are afraid of what they think goes on in the bedroom. Homosexuality is so much more than just the sex. Think about all the great people out there who just happen to also be homosexuals. When you think about it, just because someone is a homosexual, that doesn't make them a horrible person. Being gay or lesbian is just part of who they are.

Calm Your Fears

A lot of parents look forward to planning a wedding for their daughter. Parents look forward to eventually being grandparents. My parents were so afraid that they wouldn't be able to look forward to either of these things because I'm a lesbian. Now that they are in denial, they once again have hope. They shouldn't have ever lost that hope. I'm sure that within the next 10 years, gay marriage will be legalized. Then they can help plan the wedding if they haven't completely disowned me. Gay couples can adopt and there are other options as well. Artificial insemination is a possibility. My parents may still be grandparents, despite my being a lesbian. Don't let such fears get in the way of accepting your child.

Talk to Other Parents of Lesbian and Gay Children

You may think you can deal with all of this on your own, but perhaps it would help you to hear the viewpoints of parents who've already been through this. I will completely acknowledge that this must be very difficult for some parents. There are support groups out there so that you can speak to others in the same situation. Maybe other parents will have suggestions for overcoming your homophobia, while not feeling as if you've left your religion. Perhaps other parents will calm your fears about not being a grandparent, by sharing stories of their gay children who are now parents. If you can't talk in a physical support group, you can find a group online to help you get through this and realize that you still love your child.

As a lesbian daughter who is not accepted, I beg parents to listen to my plea. Don't risk losing your child because of your prejudices. Being gay is just a small part of who your child is. Your child is still the same child who you've loved all these years. Being intolerant of your own child doesn't help anything. If you're open minded and accepting, your child will see that they truly are loved.