A Lesson in Grocery Shopping

Whenever I go grocery shopping, I have to put on my extremely, extra patient hat. Believe me, there are times I'd like to shout, "Hey, lady, where did you get your Grocery Shopping Cart Operator's License--out of a box of Lucky Charms?" Just today I was strolling down the aisle and a woman whipped her cart right in front of me without even looking. If I hadn't made a sudden stop I would have rammed right into her cart. Then she gave me a look that said, "Who do you think you are trying to get ahead of me like that?"

Then there are times I wanted to shout, "Mister, staring at that item all day isn't going to change it, so either put it in your cart or move on." I've even wanted to shout, "Hey, buddy, quit gawking at that lady and watch where you're going." And even times I've strolled around the end of the aisle into the next aisle and, "Oh, come on. If you're going to do that, get a hotel room!" I don't mind if you're in love, but please don't block the aisle or do your kissing in front of the product I want to buy.

Maybe they ought to equip grocery carts with air horns. You know, those big horns on semi-trucks. Then if you see someone doing something stupid, all you need to do is pull a cord and blast their ear drums out--not to mention drawing attention to the person's idiocy.

I've always wondered why people don't understand it's a grocery store, not a grocery cart race track. Maybe grocery stores need police to issue tickets for those who want to see how fast they can push a grocery cart from one end of the store to the other. Or to investigate grocery cart collisions to determine who's at fault and issue fines. I mean, I like to get in and get my grocery shopping done, but not at the expense of chasing people around the store at a high clip of speed.

Then there are those who park their carts at an angle in the middle of the aisle while they go stare at some item, trying to decide if they are going to buy it. At least park it to the side so people can get by.

Maybe I ought to open "Grocery Shopping Etiquette School." At this school I would teach grocery shoppers to look before whirling their carts about willy-nilly. I'd teach people grocery carts are not race cars. I'd also teach them to park their carts to the side of the aisle while they take what they want off the shelf. And I'd teach men to be aware of what's going on before stopping in the middle of the aisle to gawk at a beautiful woman. I like looking at beautiful women as much as the next guy, but there is no need to block the aisle or stop anyone from getting what they want off the shelf. I would....

"Pardon me, Ma'am. You see, I'm a writer and I got this fantastic idea and had to stop right here in the middle of the grocery aisle to think about it. Oh, no, Ma'am. I was in deep thought--not staring at your.... OUCH! You didn't have to slap me."

Note to myself: Next time I get a great idea, don't stop in the middle of the grocery aisle to think about it.