A Letter to My Brother

TROY
It was so good to hear from you my baby brother. Choo-Choo...remember that, Troy? Mr. Holder used to call you that and I can't remember why. But if you can remember why he gave you that particular nick-name, let me know okay? Thanks! That email message from you was so welcome Troy, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I was feeling a little down (which happens fewer than it used to) and when I saw it was from you, I couldn't wait to open it. Thank you for the compliment, the gift that you said that I gave you...what could be more special than the way you worded it, "heritage of music". That in turn was a special gift to me and I accept it lovingly, and thank you.
When I started going back to school to get my associates degree in paralegal studies, I had an English Composition class in which I excelled. My teacher, and I don't recall his name right now, but he said that my writing was so good, I should try and get it published. When grading my papers, he would give me A's in the largest, BOLDEST font he could and at other times with a successions of plus signs A+ + + + +, etc., until they stretched down and upward along the page. He made me feel like I could accomplish a lot through my writing and told me I had better put it to good use. So I am trying by first expressing to each beautiful family member how much they mean to me and with that comes a lot of repressed memories that are so forceful and meaningful, they leave me breathless, almost like a roller-coaster ride. Yeah, for real! Those are potent memories, I tell you!!!
On one particular paper, he inscribed on it that he did not feel worthy to grade my papers. Surely he was building me up in this area, as a good teacher should do. He was much younger than me, but far wiser Troy. He pushed me to feel confident enough in myself to try to write and get published. I am not sure yet in what genre, but whatever the genre may be, I know I will be happy doing it. I found my passion for sure.
So now, this is where I start talking about you and telling you how much you mean to me. You were one of the most beautiful baby boys I have ever seen. You grew up to be very handsome too, but what Barnette isn't? So pretty you were, in fact, I remember Debbie and I dressing you like a little girl. I think Debbie gave you some "T" name, but may be it's best I don't remember, huh? LOL...We must have gotten bored with dolling our baby sister Dawn up or something...
I think of you much like our brother, Wayde, quiet and artistic. Solemn, and to one's self. In our brother Wayde's case and cause, maybe his talent turned on him and it became a weakness. We will never know I guess, but I at one time was so afraid that I would lose you to the route he chose to take, if in fact that was truly his path. I thought you would be despondent and that there wouldn't be anything I would be able to do to help you. Now, clean, fresh memories have come back, fanning me with delight, Troy, and it's so refreshing! Playing Scrabble with you just now crossed my mind and brought a tear, but it's cool. It's a happy and pleasant tear. I remember one conversation we had about judging people based on their looks. I think we had both decided to make an oath that we wouldn't call someone that we saw on TV "ugly" anymore, but devoid of any negative adjective at all. I am not sure how long the pledge lasted, but I still think of that, and I have tried to instill that in my children, which is hard to do, but don't tell me it cannot be done...
I regret that I have missed being around you for so long, though. I hope we continue to have a relationship until we are no longer here on earth. Maybe this type of forum comes from our healthy aging? Wanting to reach out to your loved ones before we become unable to reach out at all, verbally or physically. I want to reach out to each individual family member and thank them for being there for me and making me everything that I am today. I don't have any Phd's or initials after my last name or anything, but I just know I have finally grown to be the type of person I am proud of. I STILL haven't finished achieving a long sought after associate's degree in paralegalism, because frankly, I am still kind of undecided on that career path.
Sometimes I am happy being a mom and writing, and telling my children all about our ancestral tales. Other times I want to be in an office, assisting an attorney, being enamored at his talent, eagerly learning all things legal! Other times, I find it absolutely boring. So I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, Troy. But writing in some form or other will definitely be in the picture. I do believe this though...although our faiths may be different, I believe in a powerful and universal spirit. I found Him even nearer here in these mountains and scenery while meditating one day, and I feel as if I am in a spiritual stupor of sorts ever since I arrived. (I live in Ashland, NH, the exact geographical center of New Hampshire). He has granted my children and I so many "things", of the spirit and of the mind, of the physical. Jehlad, my older son has once again made the honor-roll in his first year in high school. At present, he is learning how to drive (I'm scared) and little Tirel, who so reminds me of you Troy, especially when he has his afro out, was nominated "student of the month".
We all struggled very much so being homeless through extenuating circumstances these past two years, that really were in no way any fault of mine, but due to a faulty relationship with people who could not be trusted. Lessons have been learned. These things make one stronger, and we are really fit right about now Troy! I hate to end this letter right now but I think I made my point. I love you very much and miss seeing you, too! Maybe one day we can visit each other soon. I know we are supposed to be having a family reunion soon on the Santos side, but of the date I am not sure. As for the Barnettes, they too are having a reunion in July of this year, but I don't know if my family and I can make that one. Very expensive, but I am not too worried. If it were meant to happen, we will be there. I talk to a lot of family members and long-lost friends through Facebook.com. I have come to both hate it and love Facebook at the same time. But one thing is for sure, I love you Troy, and please give your family my regards from my children and I.
Fondly and lovingly, your sister, Cheryl