A Letter from Dad

Thank you for reading this. Considering the strained nature of our relationship, I would completely understand if you refused. Son, that is truly my biggest regret in life. I was a terrible father. I apologize for not being there for you. I hope you will grant me some of your time to try to explain, not justify, just explain.

Tony thought, OK, you have my attention.

As you know by now, I was a Methodist Minister. At my first church as lead pastor, things were going great. The church was growing. I was married to my first wife; a woman who I loved dearly. I met, Susan, your mother, through a referral. She was going through a difficult time with her husband and needed counseling. I had counseled her many times in my office, alone. This was against the advice of the church staff. I was arrogant enough to believe I could handle it. During this time, Sharon and I were attempting to have a child. We were not having any success. My selfish need to have the ideal family was putting an unfair strain on Sharon. One afternoon Sharon and I had a fight over the possibility of adoption. I wanted nothing to do with it and I stormed out. That evening I had a counseling session with Susan. She was particularly upset. Her husband had been very verbally abusive and she was ready to leave him. I gave her a hug and a shoulder to cry on. We were both in a vulnerable place. Well, you were conceived that night.

At this point, Tony could not read fast enough.

The next weeks were not pleasant. I was honest with the church staff about the incident. The decision was made to place me on administrative leave. Of course, Sharon found out. Sharon was devastated and went to stay with her parents to think things through. About six weeks later, we found out Susan was pregnant. The decision was then made to remove me from the pulpit permanently Sharon was once again devastated, she decided she could not trust me. She loved me, but, she could not live with me. Our divorce was friendly and very sad. Now, I was devastated and I never got over it. Your mother's marriage fell completely apart. Susan and I decided to make a relationship out of our wrecked lives. We only had two things in common: you and physical attraction.

Tony realized, that his father was answering so many questions he had dared not ask while his father was alive. Tears started to fill his eyes.

Our lives were ok at first. I was struggling to find work. As a divorced father of a child conceived because of adultery living in the Bible belt, I could not find a church to give me another chance. I took a job in a factory and after numerous promotions we found ourselves in Sacramento. This is the job I had until the cancer took away my ability to work. Meanwhile, you were growing and your mother and I were tolerating each other for your sake. Our marriage was cold at best, until you turned 18.

Tony's heart started racing. The stress was visible on his face. He knew what was coming next.

You remember that night. I reacted so badly. I became completely enraged. When you told me you were gay, I snapped. I held a lot of resentments toward religion because they would not take me back. But, I was still very conservative. All I remember is standing up, look at your mother, saying something about it all being her fault and leaving.

You know the rest, your mother and I divorced and did not speak until I tried to apologize to her.

What?! The shock was visible on Tony's face. Along with the tear stains, Tony was a vision of torrential emotions.

You and I haven't been close since. That night, in a lifetime full of mistakes, was the worst night of my life. I spent the rest of my life working during the day and living in a bottle at night, except for the last year and a half.

Tony turned the page over almost ripping it. His hands were shaking to the point of almost being unusable.

As you know, a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I had been drinking so long, I didn't notice how sick I was. It had already spread and I knew it was just a matter of time. I'm sorry that I was not able to have this conversation while I was alive. Will (the bank manager, Mr. Anderson) was kind enough to write this up for me. I just didn't have the strength to do this conversation justice. You see, Will isn't just the manager of my bank, he is also my AA sponsor. When I thought I might still have a chance to live I tried to stop drinking. I quickly found out that I was addicted. My doctor recommended AA and gave me a meeting schedule.

Wow, Tony thought, I didn't know your drinking was that bad, Dad. I thought you were just getting old.

Son, I learned alot from that bunch of drunks. Those sober idiots taught me so much about love and life. I have a PhD in theology, but I don't know shit about life. Son, I should have accepted you for who you are. I should have met you where you were and helped you to love whoever you choose to love. Billy, that is his name, right? If Billy makes you happy, then I should have been a good father and been there for you.

Tony stopped, he put his head in his hands and wept. His body shook with the intensity of his sobs. "Finally!" he yelled. Tony felt such relief reading the words he had always wanted his father to say. Finally, he felt that his father accepted him.

It took a bunch of drunks to teach me that I needed to love you like Christ loves us all, right where you are!

Anyway Son, I hope this helps you understand and possibly forgive your foolish old man. I always loved you even though I did not know how to show it.

Tony was a little confused and happy at the same time. Even though the words were very strange, he felt like he finally knew who his father was.

Tony composed himself, walked to the door and opened it. He made eye contact with Mr. Anderson.

"Will, can we talk?" Will smiled.