A Letter to Home Depot

[I enjoy writing letters to companies who send me fliers in the mail. This one, to date, hasn't received a response.]

Home Depot
1971 Lumsden Road #351
Brandon FL 33511

Hi Everyone!!!

I am so excited that I am writing a letter! I have been going through like total boredom since I moved back home with my parents, leaving my sorority sisters back at school for the entire summer while they try to raise their GPAs that slipped last semester.

Anyhoo, so, I was at one of the frat socials just before I left. It was actually a below-me mixer, but I had to go in case a silver baby showed up doing charity work. What's a silver baby? Duh! Any guy born with a silver spoon, which I'm pretty sure is a metaphor. The mixer was at the Pika house. Obviously, since I'm a Tri-Delt, I can't get involved with a Pika, but everyone who's anyone knows that Sigma Nu's show up looking for a bored Tri-Delt.

That night was great because I was wearing my new Armani shirt that I saw in Vanity Fair -- I saw it in Cosmo a month later. So, I meet this awesome guy who is totally everything I'm looking for in my quest for trophy wifedom. I know my parents would like totally go for him, but I just want to make sure of something.

I had to do lots of research to even find a company that might sell this product, because I don't often associate with blue collar people. I hope that doesn't offend you. So anyway, the silver baby I met is Bradley Dupont McMillan Hillyer. Even a first-year pledge knows Dupont is your first clue -- duh! I mean, like HELLO! Chemistry and stuff.

I'm writing you in hopes that Bradley isn't lying to me about something. If this is true, his trust fund may be even bigger than I thought. Bradley told me that he's the guy that all the nails that are called "Brads" are named after.

I know -- at first it sounded way too labor force, but then I realized (and I have to thank my econ 101 professor for this) that harnessing a large labor force from the proletariat enables the enlightened elite to garnish profit from a broad, though not deep, amount of effort. So, I'm asking you: are "brads" really named after Bradley Dupont McMillan Hillyer? If so, you have just made me the happiest sister in Home Improvement!!

Also, I was looking at your website when I noticed your slogan, "You can do it, we can help". Is this trademarked or copyrighted? I think this would be great for our sorority to use during rush week, showing the pledges our commitment to finding them a rich husband.

Thanks,
Sara Stone