A Letter to Santa (by a Future Lawyer)

My daddy says that if I'm a good little boy you'll leave presents under the Christmas tree for me. He says that you have a long list of little boys and girls. And next to each name you have them rated 'naughty' or 'nice'. This has me worried.

1. I think I've been a good boy, but I do not know your criteria for 'naughty' or 'nice'. I have been unable to find any objective definition of what qualifies for these terms. They could be purely subjective, capricious, or based upon some outdated set of moral values.
2. What is the source of your decisions? Are your sources reliable? Is the information hearsay, second hand or even third hand reports? Could those providing you with information be biased? Could these sources have ulterior motives? Susan, a girl down the street from me, has it in for me. She could make malicious reports on my behavior. And I wouldn't be able to defend myself! This is unconstitutional!

   While my father wasn't sure of your level of technological expertise, I'm beginning to suspect that you have a network tapping into the phone lines of private individuals as well as intercepting e-mails and Internet communications. I suspect that you and your elves make Homeland Security look like a bunch of penny ante peeping toms!

   And about those elves, my daddy says that they are a bunch of skinny little guys who wear green suits with pointy caps and funny little slippers that curl up at the toes. Could these uniforms be your way of distracting people from noticing that these 'elves' are actually children!? The North Pole could be the world's biggest sweatshop for child labor. When was the last time OSHA visited your factory?

   From the pictures I've seen of you, you're overweight and out of shape. Getting fat by exploiting those 'elves'! How many American factories have closed down because they could not compete with you and your off-shore factory and overworked elves?

   Then there is global warming! Up at the North Pole you may like things getting a little warmer, but it is a real problem for the rest of the world! Do you realize how many hundreds of acres of trees are clear cut every year just so that you will have a place to put your sweatshop-produced 'presents'? And how many acres of forest are cut down to make the wrapping paper for those presents?

   I submit that you are guilty of

   1. Extortion - blackmailing boys and girls to be 'good'
   2. Discrimination - showing favoritism to those who accept your subjective and antiquated set of values
   3. Exploitation of children and violations of child labor laws
   4. Crimes against humanity - promoting global warming and deforestation
   5. Violation of accepted standards of privacy - illegal wiretaps and accessing private communications
   6. Reckless endangerment - flying a sleigh without a flight plan, and (with the possible exception of Rudolph's nose) without running lights. (Are you afraid to use commercial airlines? Are you afraid to submit yourself and your sack to standard security searches?)
   7. Crossing international borders without require passports or visas - your sleigh could be detected by early warning systems and be taken as an unprovoked attack by a foreign power. You could be responsible for WWIII!

      Trespassing - breaking and entering into thousands of homes without the consent of the occupants under cover of darkness

      These are serious charges! However, I'm sure that we can work things out. I will not submit these charges to the appropriate authorities, in exchange for;

      1. Delivery of the items listed in Appendix A (in the quantities, sizes and colors specified) to the above address, on or about midnight December 25^th of this year. The items are to be placed under the aforementioned tree, properly wrapped in recycled paper in traditional Christmas designs and colors
      2. Susan, the little girl down the street (the little snitch!) will be given one (1) lump of coal (anthracite - not that dirty high polluting stuff! - she may be a no good stoolie, but I don't want to be responsible for increasing her carbon footprint)

      P.S.

      Just to show that there is no personal animosity, I will be leaving you;

      1. One (1) glass of milk
      2. Two (2) low-calorie cookies (carob chip with no-cal sweetener)
      3. Eight (8) carrots for your reindeer

      Submitted

      This date: 12/02/2008

      Robert Jones Esq. Jr.