A Letter From a Sex-Starved Husband

In my work as a Relationship Coach these are words I heard often from clients…"My wife is no longer attracted to me. I don't know what went wrong. We used to make love 3 times a week and now all we do is work, raise our children and fall into bed at night."

"My marriage is falling apart. When we have sex she lays there like a limp rag and gives me this look that says, hurry up and get it over with. In my head I can imagine her asking me if I'm done yet. What happened to the sexy, exciting, girl I married who used to love making love with me?"

Of all the relationship problems I dealt with while working with clients this is the most heartbreaking. What can be worse than feeling rejected sexually by the one you love? Did you know that 1 out of every 3 marriages struggles with the problem of differing sex drives? Did you know that 20% of married people only have sex, on an average of 10 times a year and complaints about low sex drives is the number one complain brought to sex therapist every year?

Dr. Phil says that if your sexual relationship is not living up to your expectations that you should stop complaining and start asking for what you want. One of the first things I would require when working with this issue is for a description of feelings from each spouse. Normally it is the man who is feeling less than happy with the frequency of sex and the woman who is not able to see beyond her lack of desire and how her loss of interest is damaging, not only the marriage but the self-esteem of her husband.

I asked one, rather eloquent husband, to write me a letter expressing his feelings over the lack of sex in his marriage. I gave him fair warning that I would be sharing it with his wife and asked him to be as completely honest as he could and to trust me to mediate any fall-out he might experience once she read the letter. It was a heartfelt letter that, in my opinion, every low drive, married woman should read. It gives insight into the pain and anger these men feel and how their need for sex is not just about a need for sex but a need to remain intimately and emotionally connected to their wives.

I asked him if I could use the letter for this article. He said if it might help others in dealing with the problem he was all for it. So, please, if you are a woman read it and take it to heart. If you are a man who is in a similar situation I would love to hear from you as far as how accurate you feel his words are in describing the pain and anger of this type of rejection.

Dear Cathy,

While I doubt my ability to do this I will try and give you a thorough and honest description, from my heart, of what it feels like for me, being the husband of a wife with a low sex drive. I'm angry, I think that is the dominant emotion at this time. After so many years of trying to help her understand the rejection I feel, I've finally come to the point of anger over the situation. I also love my wife very much though. Outside the issue of sex I could write two hundred times the volume of things about my wife that are indescribably perfect about her and make her a far better woman than I could ever hope to be worthy of and this comes as much from the bottom of my heart as anything else I'm about to write here.

The love and desire I feel for her coupled with the anger I feel over the sexual issue only makes the situation that much more frustrating. No, I would never divorce my wife, not ever. Even if the ability to have sex was taken from either of us and I knew that my marriage would remain sexless I would never leave her. My love for her is not based on whether I have sex with her. My desire to have sex with her does stem from the feelings of love I have for her though. There is no way I could ever be happier without her than I am with her, so, our marriage is not in danger of falling apart due to this issue.

So many times a wife with a low libido will complain that her husband's only interest in her is sex. He only married her for sex. But is this true? Well, yes and no. I think the following is a reasonable description of the situation and while I'm not trying to be offensive or condescending in any way, it is my hope that some wives might, from reading the following, gain some helpful information that will help them better understand their husband's feelings and how his mind works in regard to the issue of marital sex and a husband's expectations.

There are many things that can easily result in a loss of libido in women. Pregnancy, a hard day at work, the responsibilities of taking care of a home and family, hormonal fluctuation, depression, stress, less help and attention from her husband. I want it understood that I realize that a woman's sex drive differs from a man's and that I do put energy into seeing things through my wife's eyes and giving her what she needs.

A man's sex drive, on the other hand, is not so easily turned off. He has been hardwired to think about sex and want sex and, very rarely will a man find himself too tired or too stressed out to have sex. A man's main motive for getting married is not so he can have sex. In today's society sex is readily available so my wife's argument that my only interest in her is sex is easily dispelled with that argument. Truth, I could have more sex if I was single but my need is not sex BUT sex with the woman I love, respect and admire.

So, although I did not get married just so I could have sex, I did not get married so that I could NOT have sex. Sex is only one of a multitude of reason I got married. I married my wife out of love, with a need for her companionship; to be life partner's with her. To share mutual respect, desire, a need to share lifelong goals with her and to be able to have sex with the person I had chosen to do these things with. Let's face it, if all I had wanted was a companion, a friend, someone to set life goals with and share mutual respect with, I could have found myself a roommate to live with instead.

This may sound questionable at first glance but think about it, I don't think there is one thing my wife can give me that I couldn't get from a good friend and roommate other than sex. Even if I wanted to be a parent, I could adopt a child. So, why should a man make a lifetime commitment to marriage when he isn't going to be getting what he considers to be "icing on the cake"….sex with the woman he loves.

When he makes a lifetime commitment he assumes a lifetime responsibility for financial support, child support, even the, "for worse" aspects of ending up with a critically ill wife. A man who loves his wife accepts the obligation and joy that comes along with loving and caring for his wife and their children no matter what the future brings.

I have to ask myself what is the real reason behind any man wanting to accept the responsibility that comes with marriage and to me the answer is: for the legal, societal and religious blessing of creating an intimate, life long connection with another human being. I've already stated that I believe that shacking up or living with a close male friend could give a man all the other benefits of marriage. When you find yourself in a marriage with a woman whose sex drive is non-existent one has to wonder if men and women don't have different ideas of what marriage is all about in the first place and why we aren't taught to discuss those differences before hand. If my wife had told me that, after marriage our sex life would dwindle down to once every three months I'm not sure I would have willingly taken on the responsibility of marriage. I surely wouldn't have been open to setting myself up for constant emotional rejection by the woman I love.

I'm not trying to be crass, just pointing out a way of looking at it, from a man's viewpoint and one that is probably very different from the view of a low drive wife. My point in all this is that I don't think the problems of a sexless marriage or sex starved marriage can be solved until the wife is willing to see it from her husband's perspective. Even if it is not something she feels comfortable hearing or discussing it is very likely the truth and being aware of his feelings and compensating for them can only help. In a situation like this, ignorance is not bliss but I find with my wife that she would rather be ignorant and turn a blind eye to the problem. As long as she is left in complete control over our sex life she seems perfectly happy.

I tried to explain it to my wife this way. I told her to imagine she had grown up playing with dolls and dreaming of someday becoming a mother. Now, you meet and marry the perfect husband, the one person throughout your whole life that you've got societies approval to have a baby with and, it turns out that he doesn't really like babies. He gets bogged down with his work, he is tired on the weekends after mowing the grass, washing the car and just plain stressed out with all there is to do in life. He makes the decision that having a baby would just add to his stress and with the stress he already deals with in life he just can't even think about babies or anything to do with them. You are going to have to wait until he is in a better mood or not so stressed out. Now you are stuck. There is something you want very badly, that you can't have without his co-operation and there isn't much you can do about it other than get a divorce or stay married to him knowing you will live with the frustration of never having a baby. Sounds like a pretty unreasonable man doesn't her?

Just as my wife grew up playing with dolls and dreaming of having children and a home and family, I grew up looking at girlie magazines and dreaming of getting married and having a home and family and a real live wife to have some real live sex with on a regular basis and I don't mean every 3 months either. Morally I knew that the price I would pay for such a real live wife and real live sex would mean obligating myself to marriage and my family.

Somewhere down the line though, my wife's idea of what our marriage would be like changed. She didn't discuss the change with me, didn't ask me how I felt about the change and doesn't seem to feel any moral obligation to try and live in a way that means we maintain the intimate connection that makes us husband and wife.

She may have a good reason for making the change in her attitude. She may be tired and stressed out and just not feeling the same old urges she used to feel. Maybe I don't rock her world any longer who knows. Whatever her reasons are for changing, my desires stayed the same, my need to be intimately connected to my wife is still with me.

I now have to live with the idea that I am morally, legally and emotionally tied to a woman who is dismissive of something that I feel is a very important aspect of our marriage. It seems to be that, she almost feels that, since she no longer desires sex on a regular basis that my feelings should have adjusted just because her feelings did.

I live my life for my wife and family. I go to work every day to pay for the roof over our heads, the vacations we take, the food we eat. Every action I take I have them in mind. I do NOTHING without first consulting her and would never dream of making the decision to change an aspect of her life so drastically and not discuss the problems with her. I went from someone she wanted to have sex with to someone she doesn't want to come near her. I had a wife for 3 years who was a full participant in our sex life. It as exciting, adventurous and everything I had planned it to be before marriage. Overnight it all changed though and now, when I question her about it, or suggest we do something sexually that we have done many times before I am accused of being a pervert or only wanting her for sex.

I think the world of my wife and would never consider leaving her. I've already stated that. Outside of sex I still believe she is the most wonderful woman in the world. Even though that is true, deep down and SEXUALLY speaking, I also know that I've made the worst mistake of my life and I am now stuck with someone who isn't going to meet, what for me, is a very strong and very basic drive…to have a sexual relationship with my wife. I feel like I have been short changed or a victim of the old "bait and switch," and it isn't a good feeling.

When my wife reads this she may howl, will probably be offended by what I have said. She will probably accuse me of being the pervert I have recently become…in her opinion. As outrageous as she may feel it is, the honest and undeniable fact of the matter is that it's true. These are my true feelings. They might as well be out in the open so they can be faced and considered by my wife who holds the key to solving this problem.

This is the point that I am at in my marriage. My wife likes affection, to be romanced, taken out on dates and given gifts. She likes for me to help around the house, take the kids off her hands for a day so she can have free time. She likes extra money for shopping, vacations alone and weekends away with her sisters. I bend over backwards so my wife can have these things that she considers to be basic needs that make her life easier.

I'm beginning to lose interest in making sure her needs get met. I'm losing interest in meeting her expectations when, it seems, she feels no need to meet mine, one basic need and that is sex. It is not unreasonable of me to say that if my wife constantly turns down my one basic need that I'm going to eventually lose interest in meeting her needs.

Let's face it. My wife is high maintenance. Those special gifts, weekends alone with the kids, cleaning up after dinner, doing laundry, putting effort into being romantic, planning dates 3 times a month and all the other "special" little things she feels I should do for her…on top of a full time job, is a lot WORK. Why should I continue to bend over backwards to please her with that long list of needs when she won't put effort into making sure I get the ONE thing I need out of the relationship so that I can feel "special?"

Bottom line, my wife has it easy. I'd switch places with her any day. It takes a lot less effort to keep a husband happy than it does to keep a wife happy. Give me sex twice a week, get into it, let me curl your toes and I'm a happy man. What is so hard about that? Why aren't I and my needs worth as much effort from her as she gets from me regarding her needs? Is it any surprise that I'm feeling less inclined to do all those things she needs me to do. I'm feeling less and less like a loving husband and more and more like a paycheck and I feel my grip tightening around the cast.

In other words, I feel distance and the need to withdraw because of the tremendous pain every time my wife looks at me and rolls her eyes just because I love her and want to be intimate with her. Is this how marriages begin to fail?