A List of Things that Can Kill a Marriage

As a child, I dreamed of my wedding. The long flowing dress, the beautiful church, bouquets of fresh, fragrant flowers, and my handsome Knight-in-shining Armor. No one ever warned me that marriage is hard work. I just expected it to 'happen' like the way trees grow in the forest. I was terribly mistaken. It was only after much thought and in retrospect (and divorce) that I could find objectivity, to see where things went wrong from the inside out. Here is the short list of way and how marriages fail.

1. Lack of communication: Without communications, the people within the marriage may feel like they are alone. If they feel like they are alone for long, they may start acting like they are alone. This is fertile ground for cheating, finding a lover who fills in the missing conversation who will grow to have a priority over the husband or wife. Talking helps when there are problems that need to be resolved; it can make all the difference in the world for a couple as they try to express their feelings.

2. No Trust: If the people think that their mate is out doing things to ruin a marriage, then it can cause lots of fighting, even if the person is innocent. If the people within the marriage can't trust each other, then it will cause great problems when they are away from each other and people WILL be away from one another. If one of the couple hears rumors, if there is no trust, then those rumors will cause friction and issue. Trust is a must.

3. Honeymoon Blindness: It often happens when people fall in love and marry, after the 'Honeymoon' phase is over, reality sets in. Those cute habits may suddenly cause disgust and annoyance. The fact that the husband leaves change in his pockets and his clothes all over the bedroom floor, the fact that the wife spends far too much time talking on the phone with her Mom, these begin to irk each other. No one is willing to see their part in the battle. They miss the forest for the trees. Each set that the other cannot tell them "what to do", and a power play emerges. It becomes a competition not a couple-tion. They are busy pointing fingers and turning a blind eye to what the other is saying. There is NO middle ground. No one is willing to bend.

4. Priority What? : When in a couple, priorities are set. Sometimes it is work, other times it is children, it varies depending on the couple and depending on the important events that happen to the couple at whatever phase in life they have reached. There always seems to be events and situations that appear on the marriage home-front which work to divert attention from the couple from each other. A new baby or the death of a loved one, a job change or the purchase of a new home, friends and their problems, a family member with crisis, there are a huge number of outside factors which pull the couples' attentions.

Sometimes, the couple might fail to include each other in the list of priorities. When this happens, the waters run cold within the marriage. 'Sometimes' becomes habit. It becomes habit. Habit becomes typical. Typical sticks. When the husband is more upset that he has to miss a night out with the boys than missing his wife's birthday or when a wife is more upset she misses her friends' phone calls than welcoming her husband back from an extended work trip, it should give those within the relationship that the priorities are not set properly.

5. Money, the Green Devil: Money is the number one thing that couples fight about according to the statistics. Whose money belongs to whom, what is a 'good' buy, what money is 'couple' money, and what money should go where! There are great mixtures of money issues that can rip couples to shreds, especially if one of the two makes significantly more or significantly less. Suddenly money creates personal issues between the couple.

Before marriage, she appreciated that he liked the finer things, which he was up on the newest tech toys and refused to buy anything that wasn't brand name. Now, she thinks he should reconsider the more expensive toys and concentrate on household bills. Before marriage, he appreciated that she always looked so wonderful when they would go out, that her outfits looked wonderful and her enjoyment of the night life. Now, he thinks she shouldn't buy the flashy, low cut shirts. He gets upset that she pushes to go out with the girls to enjoy the night life. The couple disputes on what is 'mine' versus 'ours' and battle lines are drawn. It can get spiteful and ugly when it becomes a power struggle, especially when the money runs thin.

6. I didn't marry your family!: Marrying a 'Momma's Boy' or a 'Daddy's Little Girl' can have a negative effects, especially when the one with that name lives close to their family. When in dispute, that particular person is likely to involve their family in 'personal' issues. If he doesn't want to buy the car she does, she will take it to the 'higher' authority. If she refuses to have children on his timeline, he pulls in others to help her 'change her mind'. Most all people have family beyond their spouse and if in proximity, in good terms, and depending on how they feel about the one who married their 'Baby'~ they MAY want to interfere. Crossing those boundaries can make one feel like they not only married that person but the entire clan! This can cause great issues.

7. Bad Habits: the Savior Complex: There are some special few who have the patience of Job, and then, there are the rest of us. Those few have a knack for finding the rouge or rebel of the group with high grand desire to 'reform' and 'save' them. This usually does not work out the way they want. Often times, when it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, and looks like a duck~ it's a duck. These souls who set their sights to push change on others, they often wear themselves out and drain themselves dry in the process. Marrying a drug addict with a great sense of humor and a nice smile who has all the potential in the world might be fruitless and overwhelming. Marrying the pretty girl who sleeps around 'before you' might not be a wise choice. Marrying someone who has a terrible home life only to learn that they are a contributing factor might incite disaster. No one can 'save' anyone else, they can only save themselves. The person has to really want to change in order to do so. It can't be forced or pushed.

8. Disagreeing or Degrading? : Everyone disagrees with their mate. Not only is it common, but at times it is helpful. If disagreements occur and are handled properly, it is a learning process. One can figure out each other, see how strongly people feel in a particular aspect of life. If handled improperly, it can turn out a full, no-bars-held battleground. Whenever we might not agree with our partner, how it is expressed will determine emotional manna of the disagreement. Because it is easy to do, people sometimes fall into emotional strikes when their opinions are not shared. Name calling, changing topics, and lashing out occur. This isn't disagreeing with a topic; this is a form of revenge on the mate who does not see things our way. There are people who are deeply ingrained with always being 'right', they see anyone (including their spouse) who does not share their view as if they were personally attacking them. A failure to see the topic as a topic can create resentments. Resentments do not heal easily. When there are too many, the toxicity of the relationship poisons both partners which can become unbearable.

9. Baby, Oh, Baby!: Generally, with marriage, children come. There are a few couples that fail to discuss the topic of children before vows are exchanged. The number of children, IF there will be children, or when there should be children these factors can cause a great amount of tension when the couple fail to see eye to eye or make assumptions that their partner would be agreeable to seeing things as they do. When children come, there have to be allowances. Who gets up with the baby, if someone will quit their job to take care of the baby, and how to balance the relationship with the responsibilities of parenting?

If that wasn't complicated enough, there comes the question of how TO parent! Time outs or spanking? Private school or public? How much money should be spent on child-related things? Day care or private sitter? As the child or children get older, they have their own take on their parents. They learn how to get what they want from whichever parent is more agreeable to whatever it is that they want! This can create problems. Children are amazingly fast learners when it comes to mastering the skill of playing parents against each other in order to get what they want. They can play on sympathies. They can divide and conquer. Children and what to do with them can easily bring the couple to chaos and confusion. Natural or adopted, stepchildren or natural born, children can kill a marriage fast!

10. Sex on the Beach: Sex is an important part of a marriage. Honeymoon intimacies seldom last. Life likes to throw curve balls. People work hard, babies come, children demand more time, and responsibilities build. Sex can get lost to sheer fatigue! After working a 60 hour week, coming home and doing what the household demands, people can fall into bed like lead weights. Romance dissolves into reality. The couples' intimacy drops gradually and slowly, before they know it, it has been two weeks, a month, six weeks, two months without sexual contact. Seldom do both parties notice at the same time that their love life is not the same. One may try to get have sex where the other refuses.

There can be resentments born on both ends. Men and women have different ideas of what goes along with engaging in sex. Men are often rather comfortable with little foreplay or building of tension throughout the day. Generally satisfied with the actual act in itself, men do not need romance to spark their fires. Women generally wish for more. They want a build up of romance, tokens of affection, and foreplay to enjoy sexual encounters. Time to build a fire for their spark to spark! If women fail to get what they need to enjoy the encounter, they may not. If they do not, they won't bother. Men may grow impatient with the long procedure, not understanding why it has to be so difficult. They may grow tired of getting shot down or asking with no results. There can be lots of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Sex can wear down a relationship in many ways. It is a tricky slope because it is never what it starts out to be. There needs to be attention spent by both partners, even when life gets complicated. It can lead to conflict neither party expected.

11. "And---Who are YOU Again?": Our spouse should be our friend. Our best friend! In romance, sometimes friendship is overlooked without knowing it. Wooing and the thrill of the relationship are priority, putting on a good face, talking about hopes and dreams, the goals and aspirations, but not talking about fears and failures. Those fears and failures we save for ourselves or for our closest friends. Anything that might make us feel or look weak or somehow unattractive we either hide or fail to share with that special someone who is our romantic partner. The way we behave when we first get to know someone relaxes the longer we know them, but we still may withhold our friendship because of the fear that we might be rejected for them.

When marriage occurs, this habit becomes commonplace. Then, when tragedy strikes or a crisis occurs, partners can turn away from each other. When in the marriage for several years, the partners may feel lonely within the bond because they have not learned how to be friends with the person they live with, they love, and they have built a life together with! Lonely is always bad, even if there are no extramarital affairs or desire to stray doesn't happen. The pair may think that they are best friends when they are not. Unless they can talk to their partner about anything and everything, unless they do not fear opening up to let their partner into their heads and hearts on ANY topic, and if they are completely comfortable with their mate in any condition, they are not. Without having a friend in the marriage, the marriage grows into roommates with perks and shared responsibilities.

12. Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! : It may seem simple, but just like with children, people need to talk about animals. Whether it is their 16 year old pug or the kitten that comes up in the yard, pets and partners may not click. A cat lover and a rodent lover may face some special issues especially when they fail to discuss just how many of what kind of animal they plan to fill their lives with! Especially when the territory of animal or pet fears is overlooked! If the wife is afraid of snakes, it would be doubtful she would appreciate a 10 foot python in her living room. If the husband is deathly afraid of rats, a cage full of the naked tailed little rodents could spell trouble. Certainly some understanding can be reached, but it is not to be taken lightly. Pets have special meaning to their owners, often a member of the family! If the animal does not fit into the family, there can be major problems.

With the many factors that go into a successful marriage, it is easy to see how easy it is for the partners to get off track. The biggest factor that makes or breaks a marriage is the will of the people within it. If they are willing to work, if they are willing to understand that every marriage has problems and issues, and if they are willing to look at things from their partner's perspective and respect them even during disagreements, a marriage can last though good times and bad.

It has to be remembered that in a marriage will gain closeness when those within it feel that they are a solid unit, the us 'against the world'. That sacred bond can be tried on many occasions, there may be days where they do not like their mate, but if they are willing to walk life's path hand in hand no matter what, anything can be overcome. There will be dark days, but it only makes the bright and sunny ones that much better. Where there's a will on both sides, it can blossom and overcome any storm. Just remember, it takes two working actively for the marriage not just for their own personal agenda.