A List of the Top 500 Keyword Searches on the Internet Reveals Mass Stupidity

Out of pure boredom and a touch of curiosity, I Googled "Google's top searched items" today in hopes of finding keywords for my articles that could maximize potential page views. Instead, my faith in humanity plummeted to its death from an already very low vantage point. Let's take a look at a few of the things people type into search engines frequently and discuss why these people should be removed from the Internet immediately. The rankings were provided by Portalmix.com.

#1 "yahoo" #5 "yahoo.com" & #14 "www.yahoo.com

The first problem with this astonishing find is that 2 of these 3 searches are actual web addresses. Meaning, instead of simply typing the addresses into the address bar and going directly to yahoo.com, millions of people are searching for it on a search engine. As if, Yahoo.com may have a different web address than it's clearly identifiable name. The second disturbing thing about this is that Yahoo.com (among other things) IS a search engine. Now, if you're using a search engine to find another search engine, you're probably wasting time, yeah? (In the hopes of saving time, space and sanity I want to mention that this same scenario plays out with Google and hotmail towards the top of the same Top 500). ::shivers in disappointment::

Utter laziness: #7 "EBAY"

Again, was typing ".com" after it too much work? I mean, you're planning on making purchases on the Internet, but can't find the address bar? You should be fired from life.

#3 "lyrics" - #6 "jokes" - #9 "games"

I wonder if this was what the early pioneers of the concept of the Internet had envisioned for the future. With a wealth of information and knowledge at our fingertips online, the most searched items listed are jokes, lyrics, and games. And you wonder why your boss has a content filter on the network? Get back to work!

#39 "Britney Spears"

I'm not terribly shocked that Britney Spears is the first celebrity listed in the Top 500. Sure you can see current pictures of her everyday on TMZ.com and every entertainment show on TV, but to find pictures of her when she was hot, you're going to need some help from the fine archive angels at Google.

#84 "Jennifer Lopez"

I suspect that Jennifer Lopez is the second most searched celebrity due to the high number of Private Detectives now implementing Internet research into their investigations. I mean how else is someone supposed to find her career without a little help from the web?

#90 "search engine"

Are people seriously using search engines to find search engines now? If you've ever done this, please press the power button on your computer until everything shuts off, then proceed to the nearest elementary school and donate it. Also, do not try to claim this as a tax deduction, because stupidity is not an exemption.

"Politics"?

Being as I am an obvious politics enthusiast, I scrolled the entire list (several times) trying to find out where the word "politics" ranks. It doesn't. I saw tons of porn searches, "spanking", "thong", "persiankitty.com", and "dragonballZ" (multiple times), but never "politics". I guess that's why Barack Obama didn't have such a hard time winning the vote this year. Maybe if McCain had run his campaign on a platform of "free desktop themes" and "horoscopes" more people would have taken a closer look at him.