A Little Irish Humor !!!

Why did God invent Whiskey ?
So the Irish would never rule the world...

What is black and blue and found floating upside downin the Irish Sea?
Someone who tell's a stupid Irish joke...

"T" Was the Irish what invented the pipes,you know,and they gave them to the Scots as a joke.And you Scots haven't gotten the joke yet !!! "

Two Irishmen had just won 50000,000 in a lottery.Having a pint in a pub.Tim say to Shawn, "what about all them beggin letters,Shawn replies,"we'll just keep sending them.."

Seamus do you understand French? "I do if it's spoken in Irish

What is Irish diplomacy?
Its the ability to tell a man to go to hell.So that he will look forward to making the trip..

Billy and Pa were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying,"Tree Fellers wanted." One of them said, "ye know,it's a shame Paddy isn't here.We could have gotten the job."

Irish toasts:

May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you are dead..

Irish Saint Patrick's Day ToastsSaint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here's a toasting to his health.
But not too many toasting
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.

'Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!'
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

An Irish Toast for a Bachelor

May you have nicer legs than yours under the table before the new spuds are up.
Irish Toasts for Everyday and Special Occasions

Irish Christmas Toasts'Nollaig shona duit!'
Happy Christmas!

'Nollaig faoi shéan is faoi shonas duit.'
A prosperous and happy Christmas to you.

May peace and plenty be the first to lift the latch on your door, and happiness be guided to your home by the candle of Christmas.

Irish New Year's Toasts'Go mbeire muid beo ar an am seo arís.'
May we be alive at this time next year.

'Athbhliain faoi mhaise duit!'
A prosperous New Year!

In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship but never in want.

Irish Saint Patrick's Day ToastsSaint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here's a toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.

'Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!'
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Irish Wedding Toasts'Sliocht sleachta ar shliocht bhur sleachta.'
May there be a generation of children on the children of your children.

Health and long life to you, land without rent to you, a child every year to you, and death in Old Ireland.

May the roof above you never fall in,
And those gathered beneath it never fall out.

Here's to health, peace and prosperity. May the flower of love never be nipped by the frost of disappointment, nor shadow of grief fall among your family and friends.

May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies and quick to make friends. And may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.

May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.

May I see you grey and combing your grand children's hair.

'Sláinte go saol agat,
Bean ar do mhian agat.
Leanbh gach blian agat,
is solas na bhflaitheas tareis antsail seo agat.'
Health for life to you,
A wife of your choice to you,
Land without rent to you,
A child every year to you,
And the light of heaven after this world for you.

Here's an Irish toast to your wedding:
May the roof over your heads be as well thatched
As those inside are well matched.

An Irish Toast for a Bachelor

May you have nicer legs than yours under the table before the new spuds are up.

Irish Birthday ToastsMay you live to be 100 years, with one extra year to repent.

We drink to your coffin. May it be built from the wood of a hundred year old oak tree that I shall plant tomorrow.

May God grant you many years to live, for sure he must be knowing, the earth has angels all too few and heaven is overflowing...

May the doctor never earn a pound out of you.

May the good Lord take a liking to you...
But not too soon!

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

Irish Toasts to DrinkingA bird with one wing can't fly. -said to encourage someone to take a second drink

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow
than to spend tonight like there's no money!

That the tap may be open when it rusts!

My friends are the best friends
Loyal, willing and able.
Now let's get to drinking!
All glasses off the table!

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint-- and another one!

Here's to a temperance supper,
With water in glasses tall,
And coffee and tea to end with--
And me not there at all!

When money's tight and hard to get,
and your horse is also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt,
a pint of plain is your only man.

Here's to being single...
Drinking doubles...
And seeing triple!

I drink to your health when I'm with you,
I drink to your health when I'm alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I'm starting to worry about my own!

Here's to women's kisses,
and to whiskey, amber clear;
Not as sweet as a woman's kiss,
but a darn sight more sincere!

Irish Blessings....

May luck be our companion
May friends stand by our side
May history remind us all
Of Ireland's faith and pride.
May God bless us with happiness
May love and faith abide

Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!
'Tis better to buy a small bouquet
And give to your friend this very day,
Than a bushel of roses white and red
To lay on his coffin after he's dead.

Old beer wise tells to keep them going:In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender used to yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. From where we get "mind your own P's and Q's". Long ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their beer mugs or ceramic/glass cups. The whistle was used to order services. Thus we get the phrase, "wet your whistle".

Hope you all have fun with this.Enjoy and have a Happy St. Patrick's Day ! May the luck of the Irish guide you through this day !!