A Long Look Behind...

Often, we struggle with situations and look frantically for a way to get out of them; to put them behind us; to get on with our lives and forget about the past. We consider the past water under a bridge - a bridge that we once crossed with what we thought was a one way pass. So once we are clear of that bridge, we strike a match to burn that bridge down. Sometimes we come to our senses and put the fire out before there is any permanent damage; sometimes we stand there and watch that bridge burn until even the embers are simply a memory. Then there are those times when we are running so hard to get away and are so relieved to have crossed the river that we strike the match, but forget to look back to make sure the storm has not extinguished the flames. Then the time comes when hours, days, weeks, months, years, or even decades later, and we are again standing in front of that bridge; confused and surprised that we must cross that singed bridge again. Of course, we rarely recognize the bridge in its current form until we are in the middle of it. These bridges are often uneven and rickety, worn and decaying from years of neglect and misuse. What once was a few possibly forgettable feet, may now be miles and miles of rotting boards that lead to the top of a treacherous mountain; a mountain we find ourselves climbing without conscious thought until we are at the top and the way behind us has fallen away preventing our retreat.

That is the moment we realize that our past is never really behind us. Every moment we spend on earth is another moment to make us happy or break our hearts. We can remove ourselves from the situation, but we can never truly remove the situation from us. We will inevitably think about the "coulda, woulda, shoulda's", and the "what might have beens". It's who we are; it is human. The relationships of your past don't go away because you part ways. So, once we find that person that we think could be someone important to us, it is very key for us to think long and hard before allowing them to become part of our lives. No, we can't help who we fall in love with, but we can help who we associate with. Once we include them in our lives and allow them to get close to us, once we fall in love, there is no turning back. Sure, you can end things, but you will never forget a person once they have entered your heart. There is no way to prevent this. It's just important that we do our part to make sure the ones we give our hearts to are worth a lifetime of thoughts; that they are worth the lessons that we learn if the relationship comes to a screeching halt.

When someone from our past comes back into our lives, we often find it hard to sort out our feelings for them. We might know that we are perfectly happy where we are, but too often, recurring nagging feelings will creep into the back of our minds until these unwanted thoughts begin to invade our sanity. Even though we have moved on; gotten married; made a happy life for ourselves, those past relationships will come to mind. They come to mind to mind when you are having a romantic dinner. They come to mind when you have a fight. They come to mind even when you are having mind blowing sex. They come to mind when you are rocking your newborn to sleep at night. They come to mind when you are having drinks with the girls. They come to mind when some young blue eyed boy walks by you at the mall. It is inevitable for them to come to mind. They come to mind with a song on the radio, a car going down the street, a voice across the room, the scent of someone's cologne, or even a laugh heard in passing. They come to mind a million times when we are thinking about everything but them; when we don't have time to think about the important things in our lives, they come to mind. This is normal. It is normal to wonder - it is normal to remember - and sometimes those memories bring with them rose colored glasses.

When I was younger, I dated this particular boy, and a few months together was all we shared. It was nothing more than a glitch in time. We parted ways without much more than a good-bye. I think we both thought at the time "how could anyone want to spend a forever with a person like that?'. We hadn't really spoken in years until I ran into someone one night that knew him. Somehow we started talking to him and I said I lot of things that I should not. I will admit he was not necessarily a bad guy; he just wasn't the one for me, nor was I right for him. I don't regret the relationship nor do I regret that the relationship ended. I also credit him in helping in the growing up process; because as I said earlier, everything in your past is part of your present.

It's not that I want him back, but every time I turn around he is opening another door into my life. The life choices that we make are continuing to bring us together whether we like it or not. When things like this happen, you begin to wonder if you really made the right choice. This is when the rose colored glasses take the place of reality and you start to think that things really weren't as bad as they seemed to be at the time. As a matter of fact, you suddenly have the epiphany that your relationship was absolutely perfect and you were an idiot for breaking up.

If you have not moved on with someone new, you begin to wonder, "was he my last chance for happiness?" "Was he all that I will ever get?" "Did I let my insecurities and slight snobbishness get in the way of true happiness?" These harmful thoughts can even invade your life and cause you to put yourself right back into the situation you went running and screaming from the first time. If you are in a new relationship, these thoughts can cause you to destroy what you have built. There will come a time when you and your significant other will get into a fight. You will begin to think, "Well, when Steve and I were together, we didn't have this problem". "Steve never minded when I did ..." "Steve always did this..." These thoughts are all fine and dandy, but you always need to remember that there was a reason that the two of you are no longer together and the reason is probably bigger than the fight that you are having with the new guy over whether to watch Bass fishing or The Real World on television.

One of the hardest things for us to remember is that the grass really isn't greener on the other side. Why would you be willing to give up your current happiness for something you already know doesn't work. As hard as it is to remember sometimes, nobody is perfect and it is inevitable that you will have fights with someone whom you spend large amounts of time. Don't let this become a continual cycle of unhappiness for you. A good rule of thumb is that there is a major problem with your relationship if you are unhappy a larger percent of the time than you are happy. That is when you should reconsider the relationship. Don't make one fight the "Be all, end all" of your relationship. The "Perfect 10" doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for you! In order for Mr. Perfect to remain Mr. Perfect, you can't let the past take away one of the most important aspects of a relationship: TRUST!