A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Where We Are

I was born several years after the last of the original Star Wars trilogy was released. Nevertheless, I grew up a Star Wars fanatic. Now, I'm not one of those Star Wars nerds who goes to conventions and dresses up like a storm trooper, Vader, Boba Fett, etc., but I could recite long bits of dialogue from each of the original three and tell you that Peter Mayhew played Chewbacca, the handsomest sonofawookiee this side of the Corellian system and who resembles that guy at the public pool who you wished never took off his shirt (you can't un-see that).

I was pumped to hear that they would re-release the original movies and show them in theaters in 1997, all completely restored and with some additional content. I grew up watching cheap, with-commercials VHS versions that had aired on TNT sometime perhaps in the late 80's, how could I not be bordering on arousal to hear I could see these films on the big screen?

Man oh man, I wish this was something time could undo. I went and saw the films and I enjoyed them, or at least those parts of them that remained, but I was horrified to see that George Lucas had not simply modernized the quality of the films but added some additional scenes and vignettes at the expense of others which I had come to know and love. Case and point: The end of Return of the Jedi when the Ewoks are celebrating... What happened to that? What was wrong with that? Why did you have to CG all over a bunch of little people dancing around in bear costumes, George!

This was just a grim premonition of what was to come in the years 1999, 2002, and 2005; Nostradamus himself could not have predicted such tragedy.

I went and I saw episodes I-III and naively enjoyed them at the time. I guess it was the novelty of adding on to the films I had loved growing up in tandem with the novelty of the nearly completely computer generated universe which was interesting for its own sake. Yet, you can only watch any of those films with blinders on so many times, and it doesn't take a genius to realize that they suck, they suck a lot.

The charm and the allure of the original trilogy was built upon the story, the acting, the characters which had all become so relatable. The new trilogy, however, had only its computer graphics to its merit. There was no case where I saw any of the characters become anything more than the lines they recited with flat affect. The stunning visuals were great, but due to the lack of anything substantive within the movies, like a plot, they seemed more like Lucas' attempt to flex his beer muscles and show everyone how great he was at making an epic movie through the art of pleasuring himself with computer graphics.

If there's anything redeeming about the new trilogy, and I really have to sit and think here, it's maybe that Yoda fought and it would have been difficult to do that, entertaining as it would have been to see, with a puppet. Also Natalie Portman is in them, a fact that is quickly negated by the addition of the deserving-a-swift-blow-to-the-head, Jar Jar Binks.

All said, episodes I-III are the worst sequels in cinema's short history. The only thing epic about them is their inability to captivate, and Lucas' failure is exacerbated by the fact that he thought it necessary to preemptively ruin episodes IV-VI and has stubbornly refused to re-release the originals. According to his own comments summarized by Michael Kaminski on "Obsessed With Film," the tainted "Special Editions" were much closer to Lucas' original vision and Lucas would rather have something he likes on the shelves than something that other people had enjoyed for two decades prior to its cinocide. Mr. Lucas, if I could type the middle finger here > < I would, and it would be for you, sir.

Michael Kaminski, "How the Grinch Stole STAR WARS," Obsessed With Film.

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. Twentieth Century Fox, 1977. Film.

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Twentieth Century Fox, 1980. Film.

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. Twentieth Century Fox, 1983. Film.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Lucasfilm, 1999. Film.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Lucasfilm, 2002. Film.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Lucasfilm, 2005. Film.