A Look Inside Anorexia: A Personal Account

Eating disorders are all too common. The reasons behind eating disorders are varied and complicated. Each person has his or her own demons to fight, and a very high hill to climb, before achieving success in the battle.

Annie agreed to do this interview with me and share her experience with anorexia. I hope this interview reaches someone who needs it, and helps them overcome anorexia to live a healthy, happy life.

First, thank you for doing the interview with me, Annie. Now on to the questions.

Angel: How old were you when you became anorexic?

Annie: Around my 16th birthday.

Angel: How long were you able to hide the disorder from friends and family?

Annie: My family found out after I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa during the summer of 2004. I don't think I hid it too well up to that point, since my mom would constantly harass me about not eating. My father has never really cared about me or my life, so it didn't really matter to him. Ironically enough, my brother developed Anorexia one year after I was diagnosed, and I constantly feel like it was my fault, since he saw what was going on with me. He is still sick.

My friends, to this day, do not know about the disorder, save for a few close friends. They certainly suspected something was wrong with me, but they have never actually said they thought I was anorexic.

Angel: What was your lowest weight?

Annie: 99lbs.

Angel: Were you ever hospitalized for anorexia?

Annie: It was brought up a couple of times, but I could never be hospitalized because I didn't have insurance and the wait for hospitalization was extremely long. They expected me to wait a year to enter the hospital, and I simply could not wait that long. The cost of hospitalization, even with insurance, is extremely expensive also...many people go into bankruptcy getting their kids into treatment, and I didn't want to put my parents through that.

Angel: What was the treatment like?

Annie: I never received any treatment, but even requesting it was a lengthy process. They seemed more eager to turn me away than to welcome me for hospitalization.

Angel: How did you ultimately overcome anorexia?

Annie: I had to do self-treatment. It was extremely difficult since I had little support, but I began by trying to come to terms to what made me anorexic in the first place, and then starting on eliminating bad thoughts about eating. After that, I tried eating better, and it really did work. Having my fiancé by my side helped immensely, and he even read treatment books so he could fully help me overcome the disorder. He is a key part in why my recovery was so successful.

Angel: How long have you been in recovery?

Annie: Two years. I began recovering in November 2006.

Angel: What has been the hardest part of recovery?

Annie: Accepting myself and accepting that being me is the best gift I could give everyone. For years my mother harassed me for being overweight (I began puberty early) and I was severely bullied and sexually harassed at school. After I found out my boyfriend had been flirting with a friend, I flipped -- and I naturally assumed I wasn't good enough. So I thought losing weight would solve my problems, but it actually made things worse. I always saw myself as someone that was too fat and too dumb to be loved or do anything important, and I desperately tried to please anybody...my mom, friends, strangers. I had to accept that I had to care about me, not what others thought. I had to do things to better me. Pleasing others is not what I live for. I had to say no. I will be ME, not what others want me to be, and if people can't accept that, tough. Sure, my mom harps about me being too fat and not doing what she likes, but I realize now that she is the one that has a problem, not me. I drop the friends who provide a negative influence. I don't talk to family members who can't love me for being me. Getting rid of the negative and loving myself cures all ailments.

Angel: What was the reason behind your condition?

Annie: Well like I said before, my mother was extremely negative about my appearance. She never seemed to be satisfied with anything I did, even if I did exactly what she said. For example, the other day she asked me to open up the curtains and make sure they were in the middle, which I did, and she yelled at me for 10 minutes because the curtains were not turned clockwise. I could never, EVER make her happy and she constantly called me a spoiled brat.

She began calling me fat and stupid when I was 10, when I hit my first growth spurt. It was a bit strange since she always encouraged me to eat seconds and thirds, even offering things off her own plate. I was hiding food at 11 so she wouldn't see me eat. At 12, I was throwing up food after meals so that I wouldn't gain weight. At 16, I became anorexic, and even THAT wasn't good enough for her. Instead, she yelled at me for not eating enough and for being too thin. I was never okay for her.

Around the age of 12, I also was severely bullied and sexually harassed by several boys in my school. They often told me I looked like a man, that I was stupid, and that I was mute. They flung sharp pencils at me and threatened to do things to me because they thought I looked weird. I am half-Korean, so I've always looked a bit different, and I guess they didn't like that. I also began throwing up in school so I could be sent home...I was absolutely miserable and severely depressed. I also became friends, and later became the girlfriend of another boy, who cheated on me when I was 16, which nearly crushed my life. I stopped eating so I would look more attractive to him, but that never worked...ironically enough, he's gay now.

Angel: What advice would you give someone with anorexia?

Annie: I wasted so much of my life not eating, obsessing about calories, obsessing about being perfect. I only started living at 20. Do you know how weird that is, beginning your life then? No one should go through this. Get help, you deserve to be treated well. You are not here to make others happy...that's not your responsibility.

Angel: Is there anything else you would like to add?

Annie: There are several issues that are rarely highlighted in the eating disorder community. Getting help is nearly impossible because there just isn't a focus on it by the medical community. No one should have to wait 1 YEAR to receive treatment. That's insane. People shouldn't have to go bankrupt in order to get well either, even IF they have insurance. Insurance companies should be covering all treatment -- only offering coverage for a couple of months is not long enough for anorexics to recover. Recovery takes two years minimum. These issues need to be addressed so that all anorexics receive fair treatment. I was lucky that I recovered successfully, and it will certainly not work for everybody.

Anorexia and other eating disorders are serious problems that need to be taken care of quickly to avoid life-long complications, or worse, death. If you know someone with an eating disorder, please try to help! The following website provides information and support for people with eating disorders. Check it out and pass it along to anyone in need.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/index.php